"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest." (Elderidge 185)
The wait is most certainly not over, but I'm content with the mystery of His plan & I'm excited to watch as His purpose for my life is unfolded layer by layer.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
let's unite!
For a year, my sister & I traveled in faith around the world, and God gave us the opportunity to fellowship with all kinds of communities of Christian Faith (including Andries Louw's!). What an amazing & enlightening experience.
[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]
Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.
Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.
God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.
So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?
How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!
Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.
Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.
[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]
Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.
Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.
God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.
So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?
How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!
Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.
Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.
[I wrote this as a response to
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
there is always hope!
the general discourse of many people in the world these days (no thanks to the US media) is seemingly hopeless. i say, there is always hope! it's been right in front of us all this time, and everything of this world prevents us from seeing it, believing it and experiencing it fully, wholy & simply...
i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).
i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!
check it out:
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i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).
i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!
check it out:
...
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 NLT
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May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV
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That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.
All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:18-27 The Message
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God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times. Lamentations 3:25-26 The Message
Thursday, March 05, 2009
a glimpse into Guatemala
These seven weeks flew by, and I feel like I barely got to “know” Guatemala. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written anything in a while. (The other part is that I haven’t had the time & space to sit down to write.) I tried to just take it all in – listening, learning, observing, and finding the words to describe it all. The longer I wait, though, the harder it is (especially now that I’m home finishing this post).
Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.
Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.
Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.
As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...
Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.
Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.
Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.
As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.
¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.
All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.
Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.
Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.
As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...
Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.
Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.
As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.
¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.
All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.
aquí estoy yo
Here I am. At the very end of my journey to Guatemala. Alive and, well, nearly as uncertain of my future as when I left. No surprise, really. I wasn’t expecting to figure it all out, but I hoped to pick up some more pieces of the puzzle at least. I definitely have a few more clues now, but I’m sure they won’t make sense or fall into place until later. I guess that’s the glorious gift of our ongoing creation and the wondrous mystery of how God weaves & unfolds it all.
In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.
Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.
Here I am.
In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.
Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.
Here I am.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
bendición profunda
What a “profound blessing” this journey has been... last week in particular. It’s like I finally woke up, started praising God for everything, felt His hope, and began to trust His plan. From the amazing host families to the teachers & other students at my language school, I have so much to be thankful for... So here I am, finally recognizing the light of “Esperanza” (Hope) that He’s give me.
Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.
In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.
Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)
Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...
Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.
Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.
Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.
Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.
In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)
Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...
Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.
Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.
Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
expectations
I try not to have any expectations so I'm never disappointed in anything, but sometimes I do & I am. The challenge is to find contentment and to praise God regardless of the circumstances.
Well, here I am... still waiting, hoping, expecting God to open doors, heal me, move me, strength me to take more steps forward, and/or change my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I'm also praying fervently, trying to put the word out there, and attempting to connect with people... It's just it would have been so much easier to take the tourist track or to join a missions tour or something.
Waiting, hoping, expecting... “esperando.” Just one word for such an intense process: esperar.
Since my last post, I left Guatemala City, took a “first class” bus (rather than a second class “chicken bus”) to Quetzaltenango (Xela), settled in with my new God-sent host family (incidentally in a little outlying town called “La Esperanza”) , and started “school” with a Spanish tutor at Utatlan in downtown Xela. Really, I have no complaints, but for some reason, I´m struggling to find contentment & “esperanza” in my path. How do I truly “esperar” for God? How can I rest in His hands -- when I struggle trusting His plan? when I don´t even know what His plan is? when can´t figure out what He wants me to do? when I can´t make any decisions for myself? when I´m so focused on my own issues? when I can´t let go of my own selfish desires? when I expect too much & don´t get any response?
Waiting, hoping, expecting… todavía esperando.
The problem is that I want things to work out for myself, not necessarily just for God’s glory. That’s not to say that there´s always a complete difference, but a lot of times, there is. For example, my current host family here planned to go hiking up a volcano & camping this weekend, but at the very last minute, it was cancelled due to a death in their church (7th Day Adventist). I understood & totally respected the fact that they needed to grieve together as a Body of believers, but I have to admit, I was selfishly a little disappointed. I had really hoped & nearly expected that this was finally a breakthrough in this season of “esperando”, but apparently, I have some more waiting to do… and definitely a whole lot more learning to do in order to rest & find contentment in His hands.
I thank God nothing bad has happened to me, but for quite some time, I was virtually stunned & nearly paralyzed by the heavy cloud of fear that threatens to contaminate the entire subcontinent (due to the increase in violent crime, the infiltrating drug cartel, the corruption in the government, the underpaid police force, and so much more than meets the eye... not to mention many people´s valid yet persistent guardedness & paranoia about the crime).
Everyone has a story about how crime has affected them. For example, just last week, my family´s cousin was assaulted, robbed of $200,000, and kidnapped from his own place of business. They still don´t know where he is, and the only thing they can do is pray & negotiate with the kidnappers. Please pray for a miracle.
Fortunately, not everyone is paralyzed by this dark cloud. In fact, Guatemala is a beautiful country full of the nicest people, but unfortunately, many of them are too intimidated to stand up against or even report the corruption that takes place. I don´t blame them, though; the Enemy is embedded in the social system & overwhelmingly strong among the people here. In fact, according to a local missionary here, the corruption is even seeping into the Church. If the people can´t even turn to the Church for help, where else can they turn?
I also thank God for my two blessed host families (in Guatemala City and here in Xela), and I know that He prepared a small place for me among them, even just for short time... However, since their houses are a bit far from the city centers, I´ve felt a little isolated from the hub of the culture. In Guatemala City, I couldn´t come or go on my own at all, because it was too dangerous, too far away from everything, & initially too difficult to get around on my own. In Xela, I could finally come & go on my own, but I´d have to leave the city center by 5:30 at the latest to catch the bus home (30-45 minutes in transit), thus missing out on some of the activities at the school or with the other students… Granted, I know I´m not here to hang out with other travelers, but I´d selfishly like to get to know the city some more & take a little more advantage being here. Plus, Heather & I learned last year that “being” among other travelers is a form of ministry in and of itself... Regardless, I definitely sense that it´s time to move out of my current host family, simply because there isn´t really enough room for me. (The 5 of them are humbly & graciously sharing a room so I can have my own room.)
So what should I do? Logically, I should move closer to town & maybe even stay with a random host family that the school can set up for me. However, nothing is quite that simple for me. In fact, I may have made it even harder on myself by asking for help from a local missionary here. Maybe not, though. We´ll see after today. The bottom line is that I wasn´t sure what to do or where to go, so I couldn´t commit to a host family from the school. Nevertheless, I asked the local missionary for help in finding a host family and/or an opportunity to serve for the rest of the time I´m in Xela. She got back to me with news of a new host family (still a little ways from downtown & still $35/week like all the other home-stays), but nothing about serving anywhere. I was extremely grateful to connect with her, but I was still a little confused about what to do, where to go, & why I haven´t “plugged in” anywhere, yet. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer & a number of decent secular programs doing great things in the community, so why haven´t I jumped in anywhere? I don´t know. I either haven´t been available (due to my Spanish tutoring schedule or my home-stay locale), I´m not here long enough to commit the required amount of time for volunteers, or I haven´t felt the call or pull towards any of them, yet. Then again, this may only be an introduction, a chance for God to plant some seeds in my life & in the lives of those I encounter. His purpose is far greater than I can imagine, so maybe I´m just here to learn to be content in Him… as much as I want to see, do, go & be somewhere else.
In the meantime, I´m trying to breathe deep, wait patiently, praise God in all circumstances, look for the positive, be thankful for the opportunities I'm given, focus on & pray for His will, “be” Christ with those around me, spend time in the Word, listen to the whisper of the Spirit, and forget about myself.
Well, here I am... still waiting, hoping, expecting God to open doors, heal me, move me, strength me to take more steps forward, and/or change my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I'm also praying fervently, trying to put the word out there, and attempting to connect with people... It's just it would have been so much easier to take the tourist track or to join a missions tour or something.
Waiting, hoping, expecting... “esperando.” Just one word for such an intense process: esperar.
Since my last post, I left Guatemala City, took a “first class” bus (rather than a second class “chicken bus”) to Quetzaltenango (Xela), settled in with my new God-sent host family (incidentally in a little outlying town called “La Esperanza”) , and started “school” with a Spanish tutor at Utatlan in downtown Xela. Really, I have no complaints, but for some reason, I´m struggling to find contentment & “esperanza” in my path. How do I truly “esperar” for God? How can I rest in His hands -- when I struggle trusting His plan? when I don´t even know what His plan is? when can´t figure out what He wants me to do? when I can´t make any decisions for myself? when I´m so focused on my own issues? when I can´t let go of my own selfish desires? when I expect too much & don´t get any response?
Waiting, hoping, expecting… todavía esperando.
The problem is that I want things to work out for myself, not necessarily just for God’s glory. That’s not to say that there´s always a complete difference, but a lot of times, there is. For example, my current host family here planned to go hiking up a volcano & camping this weekend, but at the very last minute, it was cancelled due to a death in their church (7th Day Adventist). I understood & totally respected the fact that they needed to grieve together as a Body of believers, but I have to admit, I was selfishly a little disappointed. I had really hoped & nearly expected that this was finally a breakthrough in this season of “esperando”, but apparently, I have some more waiting to do… and definitely a whole lot more learning to do in order to rest & find contentment in His hands.
I thank God nothing bad has happened to me, but for quite some time, I was virtually stunned & nearly paralyzed by the heavy cloud of fear that threatens to contaminate the entire subcontinent (due to the increase in violent crime, the infiltrating drug cartel, the corruption in the government, the underpaid police force, and so much more than meets the eye... not to mention many people´s valid yet persistent guardedness & paranoia about the crime).
Everyone has a story about how crime has affected them. For example, just last week, my family´s cousin was assaulted, robbed of $200,000, and kidnapped from his own place of business. They still don´t know where he is, and the only thing they can do is pray & negotiate with the kidnappers. Please pray for a miracle.
Fortunately, not everyone is paralyzed by this dark cloud. In fact, Guatemala is a beautiful country full of the nicest people, but unfortunately, many of them are too intimidated to stand up against or even report the corruption that takes place. I don´t blame them, though; the Enemy is embedded in the social system & overwhelmingly strong among the people here. In fact, according to a local missionary here, the corruption is even seeping into the Church. If the people can´t even turn to the Church for help, where else can they turn?
I also thank God for my two blessed host families (in Guatemala City and here in Xela), and I know that He prepared a small place for me among them, even just for short time... However, since their houses are a bit far from the city centers, I´ve felt a little isolated from the hub of the culture. In Guatemala City, I couldn´t come or go on my own at all, because it was too dangerous, too far away from everything, & initially too difficult to get around on my own. In Xela, I could finally come & go on my own, but I´d have to leave the city center by 5:30 at the latest to catch the bus home (30-45 minutes in transit), thus missing out on some of the activities at the school or with the other students… Granted, I know I´m not here to hang out with other travelers, but I´d selfishly like to get to know the city some more & take a little more advantage being here. Plus, Heather & I learned last year that “being” among other travelers is a form of ministry in and of itself... Regardless, I definitely sense that it´s time to move out of my current host family, simply because there isn´t really enough room for me. (The 5 of them are humbly & graciously sharing a room so I can have my own room.)
So what should I do? Logically, I should move closer to town & maybe even stay with a random host family that the school can set up for me. However, nothing is quite that simple for me. In fact, I may have made it even harder on myself by asking for help from a local missionary here. Maybe not, though. We´ll see after today. The bottom line is that I wasn´t sure what to do or where to go, so I couldn´t commit to a host family from the school. Nevertheless, I asked the local missionary for help in finding a host family and/or an opportunity to serve for the rest of the time I´m in Xela. She got back to me with news of a new host family (still a little ways from downtown & still $35/week like all the other home-stays), but nothing about serving anywhere. I was extremely grateful to connect with her, but I was still a little confused about what to do, where to go, & why I haven´t “plugged in” anywhere, yet. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer & a number of decent secular programs doing great things in the community, so why haven´t I jumped in anywhere? I don´t know. I either haven´t been available (due to my Spanish tutoring schedule or my home-stay locale), I´m not here long enough to commit the required amount of time for volunteers, or I haven´t felt the call or pull towards any of them, yet. Then again, this may only be an introduction, a chance for God to plant some seeds in my life & in the lives of those I encounter. His purpose is far greater than I can imagine, so maybe I´m just here to learn to be content in Him… as much as I want to see, do, go & be somewhere else.
In the meantime, I´m trying to breathe deep, wait patiently, praise God in all circumstances, look for the positive, be thankful for the opportunities I'm given, focus on & pray for His will, “be” Christ with those around me, spend time in the Word, listen to the whisper of the Spirit, and forget about myself.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
esperando... waiting
How easily things can change. I’m still in Guatemala City, but I really hope to go to Xela tomorrow. The problem is that I am at the mercy of my hosts, who live far south of the city, and I don’t know my way (nor do I feel comfortable or safe) to get around by myself, yet.
Why didn’t I go on Sunday like I’d planned? Well, I must have looked uneasy about the trip, because my host brother sat me down & sincerely asked me if I really felt ready to go. The truth is I didn’t feel ready because I didn’t have a bus ticket & because I hadn’t signed up for any language school there yet (to start Monday)… Not to mention, I started feeling really paranoid about traveling by myself in an increasingly dangerous country. (My hosts, their friends and the US State Dept persistently warn against traveling alone, after dark, with anything valuable, and into certain areas of the city or countryside.)
So since I didn’t have anything sorted out for Xela & since I’m traveling alone, I started to cave in under the anxiety, and it showed. In trying my best to explain myself to my host brother, I realized that maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to take another day to pray about it all. Maybe I needed to repack & reconsider what I should leave behind (including my laptop). Maybe I needed to at least make contact a few language schools (even if I don’t know where they are in relation to where I’m staying, yet). Maybe I just needed to slow down and WAIT.
While that seemed like a good idea at first, I’m wrestling with it. Waiting is so hard, and while I feel like I’ve had lots of practice in waiting (while traveling the world, having done vipassana, doing community work, living at home with my parents for a couple months, etc), it’s as if I’ve forgotten & I’m relearning how to truly WAIT... be still, and know God.
Why didn’t I go on Sunday like I’d planned? Well, I must have looked uneasy about the trip, because my host brother sat me down & sincerely asked me if I really felt ready to go. The truth is I didn’t feel ready because I didn’t have a bus ticket & because I hadn’t signed up for any language school there yet (to start Monday)… Not to mention, I started feeling really paranoid about traveling by myself in an increasingly dangerous country. (My hosts, their friends and the US State Dept persistently warn against traveling alone, after dark, with anything valuable, and into certain areas of the city or countryside.)
So since I didn’t have anything sorted out for Xela & since I’m traveling alone, I started to cave in under the anxiety, and it showed. In trying my best to explain myself to my host brother, I realized that maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to take another day to pray about it all. Maybe I needed to repack & reconsider what I should leave behind (including my laptop). Maybe I needed to at least make contact a few language schools (even if I don’t know where they are in relation to where I’m staying, yet). Maybe I just needed to slow down and WAIT.
While that seemed like a good idea at first, I’m wrestling with it. Waiting is so hard, and while I feel like I’ve had lots of practice in waiting (while traveling the world, having done vipassana, doing community work, living at home with my parents for a couple months, etc), it’s as if I’ve forgotten & I’m relearning how to truly WAIT... be still, and know God.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
el milagro primero
the first miracle of the journey is that i actually arrived in one piece. seriously. it seemed like nearly all forces were working against me... except the Force that matters most, apparently, 'cause i made it! Gracias a Dios!
here's how it went down: i got sick (sensitive tonsils, swollen glands, chronic headache, sleepless nights, aching body & pure exhaustion) the day before i left my parents’ house in Connecticut. i called AA at the last minute but decided that it wasn't worth canceling/postponing the trip. i bit the bullet and literally threw all my stuff together to go anyway. (can you tell i was starting to drag my feet?) i took the train down to NYC, lugged my tiresome body through the streets & subway to a friend's house in Queens, and slept only 6 hours before taking a cab to LGA amid a snow storm. (thankfully, i wasn't on the flight from LGA to Charlotte that day, or the trip would have really been canceled.) what followed should have been a 6-hour trip through Miami turned into a 15-hour one with 6 delays!
several times i'd asked myself: had i pushed my own agenda to go? was i going against God's desire? or was all this just the Enemy's attempt at discouraging me? there's a fine line there, but i'm confident (hopeful & trusting) that God will humble me, stretch me, strengthen me and teach me to depend more on Him than ever before... in fact, He's already doing that.
in the end, my contact in Guatemala City was there at the airport to pick me up. she & her brother quickly embraced me as a sister in faith, whizzed me off to their little town just south of the city (up & down the hills, through the darkened streets, past a few stumbling night-owls, safely back to their home), and welcomed me into their family.
so here i am. somewhat rested, healing, and trying to jump into the culture & the language with both feet. sí, completamente en español. ay ay ay.
all this is MUCH easier said then done. believe me... so please continue to pray for protection, discernment, wisdom, Divine appointments, cultural sensitivity, and expedient language learning. also, i'm about to take off again, moving forward into the unknown abyss of this journey, by continuing on to Quetzaltenango (Xela) tomorrow in order to enroll in a language school for a couple weeks.
the next miracle is that God hooked me up with another host family there -- one that my new Guatemalan brother here knows.
to be continued...
here's how it went down: i got sick (sensitive tonsils, swollen glands, chronic headache, sleepless nights, aching body & pure exhaustion) the day before i left my parents’ house in Connecticut. i called AA at the last minute but decided that it wasn't worth canceling/postponing the trip. i bit the bullet and literally threw all my stuff together to go anyway. (can you tell i was starting to drag my feet?) i took the train down to NYC, lugged my tiresome body through the streets & subway to a friend's house in Queens, and slept only 6 hours before taking a cab to LGA amid a snow storm. (thankfully, i wasn't on the flight from LGA to Charlotte that day, or the trip would have really been canceled.) what followed should have been a 6-hour trip through Miami turned into a 15-hour one with 6 delays!
several times i'd asked myself: had i pushed my own agenda to go? was i going against God's desire? or was all this just the Enemy's attempt at discouraging me? there's a fine line there, but i'm confident (hopeful & trusting) that God will humble me, stretch me, strengthen me and teach me to depend more on Him than ever before... in fact, He's already doing that.
in the end, my contact in Guatemala City was there at the airport to pick me up. she & her brother quickly embraced me as a sister in faith, whizzed me off to their little town just south of the city (up & down the hills, through the darkened streets, past a few stumbling night-owls, safely back to their home), and welcomed me into their family.
so here i am. somewhat rested, healing, and trying to jump into the culture & the language with both feet. sí, completamente en español. ay ay ay.
all this is MUCH easier said then done. believe me... so please continue to pray for protection, discernment, wisdom, Divine appointments, cultural sensitivity, and expedient language learning. also, i'm about to take off again, moving forward into the unknown abyss of this journey, by continuing on to Quetzaltenango (Xela) tomorrow in order to enroll in a language school for a couple weeks.
the next miracle is that God hooked me up with another host family there -- one that my new Guatemalan brother here knows.
to be continued...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"showing up" in Guatemala
Again, the time has come for a new adventure to begin. This time by myself... and to Guatemala for about 7 weeks without any agenda. I don't know what I'll be doing exactly yet, but I trust the Spirit will lead me.
Why Guatemala? Initially, I just wanted to study Spanish through immersion again, but I had to put that idea on hold for a while. Upon considering it four years later, though, it became clear that it would be more than just a language immersion experience -- it would be another journey of faith with purpose greater than I could imagine... even if I don't know what it is yet.
On last year's journey, my sister & I took plenty of chances, put ourselves out there in connecting with people we didn't know, watched God masterfully weave it all together, and experienced transformation in the process. I tangibly learned what living in faith is all about -- believing without seeing, going without knowing where you're going to land, following the lead of the Spirit, and letting Him really plan the journey... All of which I'll be doing this time around, too, in taking another giant leap.
So what's my so-called plan? I arrive Jan. 15, and I'll stay until March 4. A friend (who my sister & I met in Thailand last year) & her family are graciously hosting me for the first few days in Guatemala City. Then, I hope to go up to Quetzaltenango (Xela) or possibly Antigua for a couple weeks to do language study. After that? I don't know really. I'm open to going wherever, but I don't have anything set-up yet... When, where & what are all to be determined.
Basically, I'm hoping to "show up" & "be" there for others, to serve with "cultural intelligence", and to connect with local people, ministries & organizations doing incarnational, contextualized, missiological Community-work. All I have to offer are my God-given hands, heart, ears, eyes, compassion, willingness, strength, time, interest, prayer, and experience doing some project management & community organizing. I reckon that'll be enough to serve & glorify Him with. ;)
Please write me & share your stories, contacts and favorite places there, so you can be part of my evolving journey. hope(at)deifell(dot)com
Thank you ahead of time for all your love, compassion, support, prayers and best wishes. Please keep them coming!
Why Guatemala? Initially, I just wanted to study Spanish through immersion again, but I had to put that idea on hold for a while. Upon considering it four years later, though, it became clear that it would be more than just a language immersion experience -- it would be another journey of faith with purpose greater than I could imagine... even if I don't know what it is yet.
On last year's journey, my sister & I took plenty of chances, put ourselves out there in connecting with people we didn't know, watched God masterfully weave it all together, and experienced transformation in the process. I tangibly learned what living in faith is all about -- believing without seeing, going without knowing where you're going to land, following the lead of the Spirit, and letting Him really plan the journey... All of which I'll be doing this time around, too, in taking another giant leap.
So what's my so-called plan? I arrive Jan. 15, and I'll stay until March 4. A friend (who my sister & I met in Thailand last year) & her family are graciously hosting me for the first few days in Guatemala City. Then, I hope to go up to Quetzaltenango (Xela) or possibly Antigua for a couple weeks to do language study. After that? I don't know really. I'm open to going wherever, but I don't have anything set-up yet... When, where & what are all to be determined.
Basically, I'm hoping to "show up" & "be" there for others, to serve with "cultural intelligence", and to connect with local people, ministries & organizations doing incarnational, contextualized, missiological Community-work. All I have to offer are my God-given hands, heart, ears, eyes, compassion, willingness, strength, time, interest, prayer, and experience doing some project management & community organizing. I reckon that'll be enough to serve & glorify Him with. ;)
Please write me & share your stories, contacts and favorite places there, so you can be part of my evolving journey. hope(at)deifell(dot)com
Thank you ahead of time for all your love, compassion, support, prayers and best wishes. Please keep them coming!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
random acts with purpose
i'm finally breaking the silence...
"clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet"
our stories involve process, purpose, and a promise of completion. there's no wishful-thinking hope; there's always confident hope in the One that weaves us all together and openly completes us with His perfect love once we ask for it. everything happens for a reason, so as we continue to contribute to the "ongoing creation of the world"*, it's our choice to respond.
all last year, i wondered about Purpose... the ultimate question "Why?"... the big picture. the reason things happen the way they do. the reason i haven't posted anything in a year. the reason i bother with it anymore.
searching for the real reason for being here, doing what we do, feeling what we feel... desiring to understand what happens naturally... seeking an explanation of pain, suffering, war, earth wakes, political oppression, social & spiritual suppression, mental illness, distance, miscommunication, prejudice, disease, death... noticing the effects of our choices: the time we manage, the decisions we make, the actions we take, the phone calls we answer, the emails/blogs we write, the feelings we act out, the emotions we let consume us, the places we land, the people we love...
science can't explain Purpose and i can't understand "Why?" any more than eluding to its magnitude, diversity & complication... but that's what faith is all about -- confidently trusting and knowing Someone who can and does.
sometimes, we'll never know how it all fits together. other times, we'll learn and then refine that understanding down the road. and in all ways we can come to know the Way of Truth & Life through the One that testifies to it. pure & simple.
life is God’s gift to us, so life should be our gift to God. unfold it. make life the dangerous wonder that continually gives back and uncovers the mystery "Why".
"clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet"
our stories involve process, purpose, and a promise of completion. there's no wishful-thinking hope; there's always confident hope in the One that weaves us all together and openly completes us with His perfect love once we ask for it. everything happens for a reason, so as we continue to contribute to the "ongoing creation of the world"*, it's our choice to respond.
all last year, i wondered about Purpose... the ultimate question "Why?"... the big picture. the reason things happen the way they do. the reason i haven't posted anything in a year. the reason i bother with it anymore.
searching for the real reason for being here, doing what we do, feeling what we feel... desiring to understand what happens naturally... seeking an explanation of pain, suffering, war, earth wakes, political oppression, social & spiritual suppression, mental illness, distance, miscommunication, prejudice, disease, death... noticing the effects of our choices: the time we manage, the decisions we make, the actions we take, the phone calls we answer, the emails/blogs we write, the feelings we act out, the emotions we let consume us, the places we land, the people we love...
science can't explain Purpose and i can't understand "Why?" any more than eluding to its magnitude, diversity & complication... but that's what faith is all about -- confidently trusting and knowing Someone who can and does.
sometimes, we'll never know how it all fits together. other times, we'll learn and then refine that understanding down the road. and in all ways we can come to know the Way of Truth & Life through the One that testifies to it. pure & simple.
life is God’s gift to us, so life should be our gift to God. unfold it. make life the dangerous wonder that continually gives back and uncovers the mystery "Why".
Thursday, January 17, 2008
the gravity of judgment
since our arrival in Indochina, there's one thought that continues to surface in my mind: our human tendency to place judgment on others -- whether good, bad or indifferent.
maybe this reoccurring thought comes from the fact that many people seem to "judge" us by our outward appearances (young backpacking women of european decent, just like all the other hordes of travelers) and take advantage of our innocence/ignorance (treating us as if we have lots of money, hungrily seeking us out to get more $ out of us, generally over-charging us for everything, under serving us what they'd normally give to locals for the same price, etc)... or maybe the "judgement" comes from the language barrier here that prevents us from seeking personal answers to our curious questions. maybe it comes from our assumptions about different people groups, their traditions & their socio-cultural behaviors... or maybe it comes from our own mix of observations, circumstances, personal encounters, habits, fears, layers of memory, philosophies, belief systems, and/or cultural context.
wherever these thoughts come from, the truth is that human beings have the tendency to judge one another... we're all guilty of it, whether we admit it or not... it's part of how we operate, perceive, relate to & understand the world around us. it defines the undefinable, provides guidelines, promotes awareness, controls knowledge, gives us comfort, keeps us safe, forms our traditions, tests our philosophies, supports our beliefs, and shapes our lives... however, the gravity of judgment can also lead to danger -- blinding us from the truth, unjustly drawing biased conclusions about others, destructing our confidence, unequally dispersing power, spreading fear & disgust, making us unnecessarily defensive/offensive, formulating hypocritical attitudes & exclusive behavior toward others, corrupting our potential, deceiving us from living purely positive lives, and preventing us from truly loving & accepting one another as fellow human beings.
therefore, in order to address this profoundly instinctive habit, we really need to cease from judging others all together. "For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged" (Matt 7:1-2, NLT).
this leads me to recall 4 surprising observations in which God reminded me that it's not my place to judge others.
(1) Buddhist monks & novices are everywhere here, and they are easily visible -- cloaked in bright, simple, modest saffron-colored robes. they are so respected & revered that they receive alms every morning from locals (in a very ceremonial sort of way), they receive donations from just about any business they want (including restaurants, Internet cafes & even elephant riding places), they have right of way on public transportation (next to the elderly & handicapped), and they aren't ever supposed to be touched by or be left alone with a woman (although a monk asked for my number once at the Royal Palace in Phnom Penh, and several younger monks sat next to me at the beach in Muang Ngoi so i got them to teach me a little Lao).
basically, they have special privileges, and people don't ever question their actions/behaviors. however, apparently, they can still have fun with their friends -- riding bikes, spinning Chinese tops in the yard of their wat, participating in the annual water-throwing fights during the Thai New Year in April... or hiding on the riverbank to smoke a cigarette?? well, maybe those novices weren't really novices. after all, some kids supposedly dress up as novices/monks in order to take advantage of the generous system with no questions asked (according to the warnings in our guidebook anyway). 
but what about the older monks that we've seen blatantly smoking cigarettes? aren't they breaking one of the main precepts (or at least one of the 250+ precepts) that Buddhist monks are supposed to follow?... my revered perception of monks was beginning to deteriorate.
the tradition is still very respectable, though... we've been told that nearly every Indochinese boy becomes a novice at some point in their lives (either to fulfill their socio-cultural obligation, to lessen the economic burden on their parents, to seek a free education, to learn & supposedly live out the religious precepts of their forefathers, or perhaps to do it because everyone else is doing it).
however, not all of them actually enter into full monk hood. of those who become monks, a very small percentage remain committed for their entire lives. we met several monks that "quit" after several years because they wanted to "live life on the outside." we met one that became so disillusioned by the "business" of the religion (cleansing this house or that tree, casting out spirits, managing the coin-slot fortune telling machines, blessing this business or that Buddha statue). he also told us that the further up the ladder you go as a monk the more rules/precepts there were to follow -- making it nearly impossible to maintain them all as perfectly & tirelessly as you're supposed to in order to reach enlightenment.
there was no promise in that way of living/being, he explained... but that is not what the majority wants to believe. they want to believe that if they do X, Y & Z (namely give alms, pray ritualistically, set up a spirit house out front, pay a monk to bless you, make a trip down to the local shrine or temple to make offerings or to add a gold leaf onto one of the Buddha statues), then they'll be safe for the time being or in their next life. tradition is what seems to give them hope, but how frail is that to place your hope in this "luck," these earthly practices, or this temporary state of being?... 
my understanding of Buddhism began to fall through the cracks of human imperfection, individualism, indifference, detachment, & desperation. Buddhism is a wonderfully positive philosophy, but that's all it is -- a philosophy & a way of being... not a spirituality with any hope or true promise of life or of reaching that final perfection. in fact, i'm sure Buddha wouldn't have wanted humans to gravitate to this false/superficial way of practicing his philosophy. (some Christians have the same problem following what Christ taught.)
so what about these monks & novices? what are their intentions? are they just living out a tradition? are they really practicing this philosophy? are they serving as pawns for the rest of the people who are hoping to buy their way into the next life? how many of them come for the free handouts? how many just want an education? how many are pressured by their families? how many of them last until monk hood? how many of them are truly able to maintain that perfect balance? and for how long?... these questions may never be answered, because no one can ask monks these sorts of questions. we can be curious, but there's no need to stop or judge the practice. that's not our job.
(2) it's common to see Western men marry Thai women, but not all of them marry for the same reasons. unfortunately, the strong social stigma around them presupposes that they come out of the sex industry or some mail-order-bride place, that they marry out of desperation, and/or that there's a sad story behind it all. while some of this might be true about some couples, it's definitely not true about all of them. they might be mutually helping each other out. they might have found love at first sight (something Thai men aren't accustomed to pursuing). they might have met under normal circumstances where sparks fly and romance fills the air. they might truly love each other... who knows, but it's not our place to judge them or exclude them from leading a happy life. at first though, i have to admit, i saw so many "bar girls" in Pattaya desperately calling out to western men and walking off with them arm in arm that my mind tended to jump to conclusions about all the other similarly mixed-race couples i saw... but then i met a few couples that didn't fit that stereotype, that didn't seem all that sleazy, that had a wonderfully mutual partnership, and that had so much love to share that it was contagious. these couples challenged my previous misconceptions and reminded me that we should never judge anything by its cover. only God knows our true intentions.
(3) speaking of people's intentions, throughout our travels heather & i have had to become a bit hardened to a world tainted by tourism. so many people try to take advantage of us (white American women) that we constantly feel on the defensive, fighting for a better price, and/or burnt by their dishonesty. in Africa & India, it wasn't so bad because we learned how to negotiate with them, but Indochina is different. as a foreigner, you have to expect that they'll start 3-5 times the asking price (or more), and they usually don't come down too much. also, in many cases, things are either non-negotiable or vendors seem offended by your negotiating.
so about a week ago we rented a motorbike for the day in Luang Namtha. we had a great day exploring the area, but at the very end, we took a very tiny spill on the bike, broke one of the side mirrors and damaged the plastic cover near the mirror. we instantly worried about how much the damage would cost, and we jumped to conclusions that the owners would try to take advantage of us... to make a long story short, they were totally fair & honest about the whole situation... we left it to God to sort it out, to help us humbly face the owners, and to keep them honest. it could have been worse -- they could have been deeply offended by the transaction, but everything went smooth and they didn't try to cheat us.
(4) in fact, the Indochinese (particularly Thai) get offended by the most random things sometimes. it's no surprise that there are different social & behavioral norms in every country 'round the world, but some things i just don't understand, so i try to just add them to my memory bank without placing any definitive judgment on them... like it's okay to pick your nose in public but never pick your teeth without covering your mouth with your other hand. also, a married couple can not show any affection publicly, which includes walking down the street hand in hand. finally, you should never ever step over someone or touch someone on the head or feet. in fact, you should also never sit on a pillow meant for the head either... actually, it's interesting to notice the unspoken respect people have for each other's personal space. it's no wonder Americans like Thailand so much.
finally, considering all the "dangers" of judgment, i realize i just need to be aware of the fine line that exists between leading an innocent life with eyes & hearts wide open and leading a prejudicial life with selfish fixed lenses of the world... let's call this fine line the "gray area" of our "free will." we use our judgment or our "free will" to choose between good & bad, right & wrong, happiness & despair, the safe & the unsafe, the holding on & the letting go... but it's not always that easy to choose or see the difference. life is not always defined by contrasts, so there's that gray area that makes it difficult for us to use our judgment... that's when we have to shake free the gravity of judgment and rely on our intuition, our nurtured learning, our abilities, our surroundings, and the One that ties it all together.
maybe this reoccurring thought comes from the fact that many people seem to "judge" us by our outward appearances (young backpacking women of european decent, just like all the other hordes of travelers) and take advantage of our innocence/ignorance (treating us as if we have lots of money, hungrily seeking us out to get more $ out of us, generally over-charging us for everything, under serving us what they'd normally give to locals for the same price, etc)... or maybe the "judgement" comes from the language barrier here that prevents us from seeking personal answers to our curious questions. maybe it comes from our assumptions about different people groups, their traditions & their socio-cultural behaviors... or maybe it comes from our own mix of observations, circumstances, personal encounters, habits, fears, layers of memory, philosophies, belief systems, and/or cultural context.
wherever these thoughts come from, the truth is that human beings have the tendency to judge one another... we're all guilty of it, whether we admit it or not... it's part of how we operate, perceive, relate to & understand the world around us. it defines the undefinable, provides guidelines, promotes awareness, controls knowledge, gives us comfort, keeps us safe, forms our traditions, tests our philosophies, supports our beliefs, and shapes our lives... however, the gravity of judgment can also lead to danger -- blinding us from the truth, unjustly drawing biased conclusions about others, destructing our confidence, unequally dispersing power, spreading fear & disgust, making us unnecessarily defensive/offensive, formulating hypocritical attitudes & exclusive behavior toward others, corrupting our potential, deceiving us from living purely positive lives, and preventing us from truly loving & accepting one another as fellow human beings.
therefore, in order to address this profoundly instinctive habit, we really need to cease from judging others all together. "For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged" (Matt 7:1-2, NLT).
this leads me to recall 4 surprising observations in which God reminded me that it's not my place to judge others.
(1) Buddhist monks & novices are everywhere here, and they are easily visible -- cloaked in bright, simple, modest saffron-colored robes. they are so respected & revered that they receive alms every morning from locals (in a very ceremonial sort of way), they receive donations from just about any business they want (including restaurants, Internet cafes & even elephant riding places), they have right of way on public transportation (next to the elderly & handicapped), and they aren't ever supposed to be touched by or be left alone with a woman (although a monk asked for my number once at the Royal Palace in Phnom Penh, and several younger monks sat next to me at the beach in Muang Ngoi so i got them to teach me a little Lao).
basically, they have special privileges, and people don't ever question their actions/behaviors. however, apparently, they can still have fun with their friends -- riding bikes, spinning Chinese tops in the yard of their wat, participating in the annual water-throwing fights during the Thai New Year in April... or hiding on the riverbank to smoke a cigarette?? well, maybe those novices weren't really novices. after all, some kids supposedly dress up as novices/monks in order to take advantage of the generous system with no questions asked (according to the warnings in our guidebook anyway). 
but what about the older monks that we've seen blatantly smoking cigarettes? aren't they breaking one of the main precepts (or at least one of the 250+ precepts) that Buddhist monks are supposed to follow?... my revered perception of monks was beginning to deteriorate.the tradition is still very respectable, though... we've been told that nearly every Indochinese boy becomes a novice at some point in their lives (either to fulfill their socio-cultural obligation, to lessen the economic burden on their parents, to seek a free education, to learn & supposedly live out the religious precepts of their forefathers, or perhaps to do it because everyone else is doing it).
however, not all of them actually enter into full monk hood. of those who become monks, a very small percentage remain committed for their entire lives. we met several monks that "quit" after several years because they wanted to "live life on the outside." we met one that became so disillusioned by the "business" of the religion (cleansing this house or that tree, casting out spirits, managing the coin-slot fortune telling machines, blessing this business or that Buddha statue). he also told us that the further up the ladder you go as a monk the more rules/precepts there were to follow -- making it nearly impossible to maintain them all as perfectly & tirelessly as you're supposed to in order to reach enlightenment.
there was no promise in that way of living/being, he explained... but that is not what the majority wants to believe. they want to believe that if they do X, Y & Z (namely give alms, pray ritualistically, set up a spirit house out front, pay a monk to bless you, make a trip down to the local shrine or temple to make offerings or to add a gold leaf onto one of the Buddha statues), then they'll be safe for the time being or in their next life. tradition is what seems to give them hope, but how frail is that to place your hope in this "luck," these earthly practices, or this temporary state of being?... 
my understanding of Buddhism began to fall through the cracks of human imperfection, individualism, indifference, detachment, & desperation. Buddhism is a wonderfully positive philosophy, but that's all it is -- a philosophy & a way of being... not a spirituality with any hope or true promise of life or of reaching that final perfection. in fact, i'm sure Buddha wouldn't have wanted humans to gravitate to this false/superficial way of practicing his philosophy. (some Christians have the same problem following what Christ taught.)so what about these monks & novices? what are their intentions? are they just living out a tradition? are they really practicing this philosophy? are they serving as pawns for the rest of the people who are hoping to buy their way into the next life? how many of them come for the free handouts? how many just want an education? how many are pressured by their families? how many of them last until monk hood? how many of them are truly able to maintain that perfect balance? and for how long?... these questions may never be answered, because no one can ask monks these sorts of questions. we can be curious, but there's no need to stop or judge the practice. that's not our job.
(2) it's common to see Western men marry Thai women, but not all of them marry for the same reasons. unfortunately, the strong social stigma around them presupposes that they come out of the sex industry or some mail-order-bride place, that they marry out of desperation, and/or that there's a sad story behind it all. while some of this might be true about some couples, it's definitely not true about all of them. they might be mutually helping each other out. they might have found love at first sight (something Thai men aren't accustomed to pursuing). they might have met under normal circumstances where sparks fly and romance fills the air. they might truly love each other... who knows, but it's not our place to judge them or exclude them from leading a happy life. at first though, i have to admit, i saw so many "bar girls" in Pattaya desperately calling out to western men and walking off with them arm in arm that my mind tended to jump to conclusions about all the other similarly mixed-race couples i saw... but then i met a few couples that didn't fit that stereotype, that didn't seem all that sleazy, that had a wonderfully mutual partnership, and that had so much love to share that it was contagious. these couples challenged my previous misconceptions and reminded me that we should never judge anything by its cover. only God knows our true intentions.
(3) speaking of people's intentions, throughout our travels heather & i have had to become a bit hardened to a world tainted by tourism. so many people try to take advantage of us (white American women) that we constantly feel on the defensive, fighting for a better price, and/or burnt by their dishonesty. in Africa & India, it wasn't so bad because we learned how to negotiate with them, but Indochina is different. as a foreigner, you have to expect that they'll start 3-5 times the asking price (or more), and they usually don't come down too much. also, in many cases, things are either non-negotiable or vendors seem offended by your negotiating.
so about a week ago we rented a motorbike for the day in Luang Namtha. we had a great day exploring the area, but at the very end, we took a very tiny spill on the bike, broke one of the side mirrors and damaged the plastic cover near the mirror. we instantly worried about how much the damage would cost, and we jumped to conclusions that the owners would try to take advantage of us... to make a long story short, they were totally fair & honest about the whole situation... we left it to God to sort it out, to help us humbly face the owners, and to keep them honest. it could have been worse -- they could have been deeply offended by the transaction, but everything went smooth and they didn't try to cheat us.(4) in fact, the Indochinese (particularly Thai) get offended by the most random things sometimes. it's no surprise that there are different social & behavioral norms in every country 'round the world, but some things i just don't understand, so i try to just add them to my memory bank without placing any definitive judgment on them... like it's okay to pick your nose in public but never pick your teeth without covering your mouth with your other hand. also, a married couple can not show any affection publicly, which includes walking down the street hand in hand. finally, you should never ever step over someone or touch someone on the head or feet. in fact, you should also never sit on a pillow meant for the head either... actually, it's interesting to notice the unspoken respect people have for each other's personal space. it's no wonder Americans like Thailand so much.
finally, considering all the "dangers" of judgment, i realize i just need to be aware of the fine line that exists between leading an innocent life with eyes & hearts wide open and leading a prejudicial life with selfish fixed lenses of the world... let's call this fine line the "gray area" of our "free will." we use our judgment or our "free will" to choose between good & bad, right & wrong, happiness & despair, the safe & the unsafe, the holding on & the letting go... but it's not always that easy to choose or see the difference. life is not always defined by contrasts, so there's that gray area that makes it difficult for us to use our judgment... that's when we have to shake free the gravity of judgment and rely on our intuition, our nurtured learning, our abilities, our surroundings, and the One that ties it all together.
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness*
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness*
Monday, December 24, 2007
the perfect gift
Imagine that you’re invited to a very special birthday party of someone who you’ve heard a lot about, you think you know, but you don’t really know all that well. After feeling a little stubborn & reluctant to accept an invitation that society’s made out to seem fictitious, you’re suddenly very curious and then inexplicably compelled to go check out what the party is all about. As guests arrive, the hosts unexpectedly & humbly give away all the birthday boy’s presents to everyone. “This is why our son was born,” the hosts inform, “To joyfully welcome you into our home and to unconditionally share our gifts with you.” For a moment, you’re in shock and taken aback by their abounding love. You don’t really feel like you deserve it.
All the presents come from the same place & look the same to all the curious guests, but as soon as you receive your gift, it miraculously shapes into the relationship you’ve always wanted... one that lasts forever, that goes beyond your wildest dreams, that completes your emptiness, that perfectly satisfies your every need (at all the right moments in life), that uplifts your spirit, that heals your ailments, that always takes the load for you, that continually teaches you lessons but never disappoints, that speaks every language, that crosses every cultural (ethnic & religious) boundary, that serves as your permanent VIP-pass / eternal sacrament for peace & happiness, that liberates you from all earthly vices or desires... and that you can’t find anywhere else in the entire universe.
No strings attached. No need to return the gesture. No debt because the cost has already been paid in full for everyone. You’re absolutely free to do whatever you want with it – accept it or decline it, take it or deny it, use it or abuse it – yet your naturally-born reasoning self quickly realizes that every cell in your body wants to absorb it and reciprocate its pure & perfect goodness forever, because it’s exactly what quenches your body’s thirst. So you decide to selflessly accept it, take it and use it for the hosts’ glory.
After being genuinely affected by this mind-blowing event of generosity, you want so desperately for everyone else in the world to know & understand what you’ve just witnessed, experienced and received... The only trouble is that as soon as you accept the gift, it becomes translucent to everyone else but you, so you don’t have anything tangible to logically or scientifically prove it to the sceptical, analytical, politically-correct, pluralistic, consumerist, post-modern world around you... except maybe the book that tells the account of the event and maybe the friends that have been to the party with you. Fear starts to grab a hold of you, but then the gift kicks in the very moment you ask for help and you realize that it’s not your job to convince anyone – they’ve got to experience it for themselves in their own time, when their hearts are willing to accept the greatest gift of all... In the meantime, though, you can use your story to encourage others to eventually accept this ongoing birthday invitation one day.
Filled with joy, love, hope and peace, you begin to adjust, settle down, breathe more deeply than you ever have, meet others where they are at in their journeys, graciously forgive the past, confidently embrace the future, and learn to use your gift in the ways your divine hosts intended... All thanks to the immaculate birth of Divinity in the flesh, the sacrificial death of this perfect Son, and the spiritual Advocate that followed as a result.
What an amazingly joyous celebration for everyone! And a very happy birthday to God FOR us! Thanks to the hosts & their baby boy for inviting us, for drawing us in, for hosting us, for providing for us, for joining us, for walking on earth amongst us, for connecting us all, ... and for so much more than we can fathom.
All the presents come from the same place & look the same to all the curious guests, but as soon as you receive your gift, it miraculously shapes into the relationship you’ve always wanted... one that lasts forever, that goes beyond your wildest dreams, that completes your emptiness, that perfectly satisfies your every need (at all the right moments in life), that uplifts your spirit, that heals your ailments, that always takes the load for you, that continually teaches you lessons but never disappoints, that speaks every language, that crosses every cultural (ethnic & religious) boundary, that serves as your permanent VIP-pass / eternal sacrament for peace & happiness, that liberates you from all earthly vices or desires... and that you can’t find anywhere else in the entire universe.
No strings attached. No need to return the gesture. No debt because the cost has already been paid in full for everyone. You’re absolutely free to do whatever you want with it – accept it or decline it, take it or deny it, use it or abuse it – yet your naturally-born reasoning self quickly realizes that every cell in your body wants to absorb it and reciprocate its pure & perfect goodness forever, because it’s exactly what quenches your body’s thirst. So you decide to selflessly accept it, take it and use it for the hosts’ glory.
After being genuinely affected by this mind-blowing event of generosity, you want so desperately for everyone else in the world to know & understand what you’ve just witnessed, experienced and received... The only trouble is that as soon as you accept the gift, it becomes translucent to everyone else but you, so you don’t have anything tangible to logically or scientifically prove it to the sceptical, analytical, politically-correct, pluralistic, consumerist, post-modern world around you... except maybe the book that tells the account of the event and maybe the friends that have been to the party with you. Fear starts to grab a hold of you, but then the gift kicks in the very moment you ask for help and you realize that it’s not your job to convince anyone – they’ve got to experience it for themselves in their own time, when their hearts are willing to accept the greatest gift of all... In the meantime, though, you can use your story to encourage others to eventually accept this ongoing birthday invitation one day.
Filled with joy, love, hope and peace, you begin to adjust, settle down, breathe more deeply than you ever have, meet others where they are at in their journeys, graciously forgive the past, confidently embrace the future, and learn to use your gift in the ways your divine hosts intended... All thanks to the immaculate birth of Divinity in the flesh, the sacrificial death of this perfect Son, and the spiritual Advocate that followed as a result.
What an amazingly joyous celebration for everyone! And a very happy birthday to God FOR us! Thanks to the hosts & their baby boy for inviting us, for drawing us in, for hosting us, for providing for us, for joining us, for walking on earth amongst us, for connecting us all, ... and for so much more than we can fathom.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
a light in the dark
Overwhelmed by this profound journey of faith, broken more times than I can count, humbled by Christ's unrivaled & unconditional compassion for the entire world, and marveled by my expanding concept of who/what God really is, I am emerging from the darkness, stepping into his light, seeking him (even though he's been seeking me all along), and being transformed by the Advocate...
Now, this blog entry is by no means intended to over-emphasize, dramatize or exploit the negative, the despair and the darkness of the world; rather, I want to highlight the positive, the hope and the light that is possible in every situation (only through the gift of a personal relationship with him).
So this is my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... as of India anyway.
We spent our last day in India visiting the Mother Teresa sites in Kolkata (her tomb in the Mother House, her home for children, and her home for the sick & dying). After spending six long weeks traveling throughout this chaotic country, I felt especially moved by her obedience, her devotion & her perseverance in the midst of the darkness, poverty, sickness, starvation, filth & hopelessness found in Kolkata and scattered throughout India... In fact, one of the many things that I learned from our visit at the Mother House was that she learned to embrace and love the darkness because it drew her closer to God, closer to understanding Christ’s experience on Earth & his unfathomable passion of sacrifice on the cross, and closer to piercing through the darkness of human suffering by sharing his light with the world. What a profound testimony of faith and hope! Like Gandhi's "be the change you want to see in the world," Mother Teresa's life inspired me to be the light I want to see in the darkness of the world, to love as Christ loved us (even while surrounded by darkness), and to try not to let the "darkness" ever consume me, drag me down or distract me from seeing his "divine intent" in others.
We arrived in Thailand (8 Nov) just in time to attend an incredibly spirit-filled conference in the one of the most perpetually disturbing cities I've ever visited: Pattaya -- the prostitution capital of the world. This seedy place gave us a stark reminder of just how much the "darkness" grips and consumes the world (namely the sexual tourists, their SE Asian concubines/"bar girls"/prostitutes, and all the individuals effected by this chosen or *pressured* lifestyle). Not surprisingly, the government isn't insistent about putting an end to this terrible tourist industry because it directly benefits the economy... To top it all off, the superficial glamour, the desperate income, the temporary security, and the hopeless wealth all feed the sex trade and make these sexual slaves search for "salvation" in all the wrong places (like in rich white foreigners)... *Unfortunately, families often pressure their youth into the sex trade in order to increase their income & status, especially when they see their neighbors' daughters bring back a lot of foreign money from Pattaya.* It's a vicious cycle, but there IS hope... there's always hope... After leaving the majestical haven of a conference, we visited two ministries doing amazing work in the slums, on the streets, in the bars and now in the surrounding villages with the people effected by this sexual tourism. Little by little, individual by individual, Christ is using the women & new disciples from these ministries to pierce through the darkness that tries to make Pattaya seem hopeless.
Cambodia just recently survived a very very dark period of their history, one in which the Khmer Rouge killed nearly 2 million people (about 1/4 of the population), 1975-1979 & beyond. Defensive national sentiments still persist along side a desperation for hope (especially in the form of capitalism, animism & ancient Hindu-influenced Buddhist religiosity), but they don't directly admit it or reveal their true feelings. (This "concealing" tendency seems to be a cultural trait, but the political regime also suppressed them for so long that they just don't communicate openly.) In fact, despite the more noticeable language & cultural barriers for us (which often leaves us "in the dark"), we've noticed that many Indochinese people initially come across as very polite, passive and non-confrontational (especially in order to please their foreign visitors), but very quickly (sometimes without notice or maybe at the smallest misunderstanding) their pent up aggression can explode & become hostile. Then they hold onto these hardened feelings & misconceptions until the other party humbly and submissively takes the blame... It's very challenging to work through the language barrier and cultural sensitivity issues when this emotion gets out of control, but fortunately God sustained our spirits and gave us the strength, wisdom & peace to humbly wade through the manure of a couple sticky situations there. After processing these personal experiences, I feel more confident and assured that the Spirit's peace can work through us (in spite of us), and I feel more connected to the living God who makes all of us more capable of forgiving, loving, extending kindness, respecting others, and unifying in him as one body with many parts... 
Now, I can't explain the apparent absence of God's light during the genocide that occurred here or anywhere else in the world for that matter (it's one of my biggest questions for God, especially after visiting Tuol Sleng & the Killing Fields), but the closest I have come to understanding it for myself is that this darkness was a direct cause of people trying to take matters into their own hands and using their "free will" to "play God" for their own selfish desires. When all of this happens without the light of God's will & blessing, the darkness prevails, fear spreads, and humans reek havoc... Thus proving that there's no firm foundation on Earth without God's truth to support it. Actually, I'm just now discovering that the more I acknowledge & attribute to God, the more firm his foundation becomes through the intricate pattern of his creation -- life.
Continuing our travels through Thailand again, we picked up Heather's boyfriend in Bangkok and headed south. The most notable differences down the west coast of the peninsula (versus Eastern Thailand) are the higher costs, the steadier stream of tourists (not during the monsoon seasons) and the emotional, mental & physical effects of the Tsunami (Dec 04), which wiped away everything completely -- businesses, homes, lives and hope. The only thing people really had to fall back on was tourism. Fortunately, there is an increasing popularity of eco-tourism and community development excursions, but some people still wear a sort of superficial "tourist" mask of pleasantries & adventure packages which hide the thick under layer of darkness here.
(Not to mention that most tourists either don't care or can't dig too deep into the emotional trauma due to their language barriers, limited holiday itineraries and inability to commit, invest or relate to them.) Nobody really talks in depth about this hidden layer of darkness, but we've managed to learn a bit about it through keen observation and blessed conversations. The source of this unstable layer (throughout Asia) includes pluralistic spiritualism, avid religiosity toward ancient folklore, sensible way-of-life philosophies without a true promise of hope, feel-good superstitious practices of "security" (like scarecrows to keep away bad spirits or spirit houses to "house" good spirits around the home or business)... 
and then more specifically here on the west coast of Thailand: festivals of "purification" (whereby people call on spirits to possess them & then they voluntarily stab themselves to prove that these embodied spirits "protect" them), fortune tellers (predicting the next Tsunami to hit 23 Dec), and a traumatized karma (which locals blame as the reason the Tsunami hit there in the first place)... But there IS hope. In fact, there is supposedly more hope for the people now than there was before the Tsunami: more NGOs, more relief aid, more skills trainings from outside groups, more local empowerment, more care for one another, and more room for God's light to shine.
Overall, the major elements of my transformation include hearing people's stories, surviving India with an unexplainable peace, songs like The Potter's Hands and In Christ Alone, finishing Dangerous Wonder, talking everything over with Heather, reading the rather objective daily devotional My Utmost for His Highest*, reading The Bible with a new vision, accepting his truth, and praying... *In fact, the devotional reading the other day (12 Dec) was particularly inspiring:
This was my transformation. Now I can more easily locate the Spirit of God within me for others. I can practice patience more readily. I feel more at peace with my natural self. I've healed. I've died and been reborn... And only I can testify to it because it's my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... Everyone has their own process of discovering what piece of God's image they're made in & made for... I'm still trying to figure out my piece, but I'm closer than I ever have been.
I know it'll be a constant struggle, though. It's as if my soul is in a lifelong tug-of-war, and just because I've decided to accept & trust God doesn't mean that I'm some kind of superhero. I'm just as susceptible as the next person to physical pain, emotional distress, mental anguish, worldly desires, sudden miscommunication, fear, anger, depression, etc... but now I understand my process of letting go and letting God work it all out in & through me. It's not by my doing; it's by his doing through my being... All the more reason we need to love, support & embody the light for each other in the dark, rather than taking matters into our own hands by trying to "do" God's job... a job too great for us. After all, we are human "beings" not human "doings".
“in the dark” : the absence of physical light... not fully knowing, not clearly seeing, scary, cut off from the rest of the world... cold, blinded, hidden, confused, lost, isolated, alone, gloomy, morbid, clouded, vulnerable, shameful, a result of selfishness... often helpless, frightened, desperate, miserable, terrified, panicked, seemingly hopeless... a breeding ground of fear & anxiety which causes us to exaggerate and distort reality... and an eternal death.
“in the light” : in plain view, clear as day, safe, assurance, an awakening, unconcealed astonishment... warm, revealed, found, connected, illuminated, enlightened, knowledgeable, confident... evidence of true HOPE... an incredible, complex combination of color as seen in a rainbow... and an eternal life through atonement.
Now, this blog entry is by no means intended to over-emphasize, dramatize or exploit the negative, the despair and the darkness of the world; rather, I want to highlight the positive, the hope and the light that is possible in every situation (only through the gift of a personal relationship with him).
So this is my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... as of India anyway.
We spent our last day in India visiting the Mother Teresa sites in Kolkata (her tomb in the Mother House, her home for children, and her home for the sick & dying). After spending six long weeks traveling throughout this chaotic country, I felt especially moved by her obedience, her devotion & her perseverance in the midst of the darkness, poverty, sickness, starvation, filth & hopelessness found in Kolkata and scattered throughout India... In fact, one of the many things that I learned from our visit at the Mother House was that she learned to embrace and love the darkness because it drew her closer to God, closer to understanding Christ’s experience on Earth & his unfathomable passion of sacrifice on the cross, and closer to piercing through the darkness of human suffering by sharing his light with the world. What a profound testimony of faith and hope! Like Gandhi's "be the change you want to see in the world," Mother Teresa's life inspired me to be the light I want to see in the darkness of the world, to love as Christ loved us (even while surrounded by darkness), and to try not to let the "darkness" ever consume me, drag me down or distract me from seeing his "divine intent" in others.
We arrived in Thailand (8 Nov) just in time to attend an incredibly spirit-filled conference in the one of the most perpetually disturbing cities I've ever visited: Pattaya -- the prostitution capital of the world. This seedy place gave us a stark reminder of just how much the "darkness" grips and consumes the world (namely the sexual tourists, their SE Asian concubines/"bar girls"/prostitutes, and all the individuals effected by this chosen or *pressured* lifestyle). Not surprisingly, the government isn't insistent about putting an end to this terrible tourist industry because it directly benefits the economy... To top it all off, the superficial glamour, the desperate income, the temporary security, and the hopeless wealth all feed the sex trade and make these sexual slaves search for "salvation" in all the wrong places (like in rich white foreigners)... *Unfortunately, families often pressure their youth into the sex trade in order to increase their income & status, especially when they see their neighbors' daughters bring back a lot of foreign money from Pattaya.* It's a vicious cycle, but there IS hope... there's always hope... After leaving the majestical haven of a conference, we visited two ministries doing amazing work in the slums, on the streets, in the bars and now in the surrounding villages with the people effected by this sexual tourism. Little by little, individual by individual, Christ is using the women & new disciples from these ministries to pierce through the darkness that tries to make Pattaya seem hopeless.
Cambodia just recently survived a very very dark period of their history, one in which the Khmer Rouge killed nearly 2 million people (about 1/4 of the population), 1975-1979 & beyond. Defensive national sentiments still persist along side a desperation for hope (especially in the form of capitalism, animism & ancient Hindu-influenced Buddhist religiosity), but they don't directly admit it or reveal their true feelings. (This "concealing" tendency seems to be a cultural trait, but the political regime also suppressed them for so long that they just don't communicate openly.) In fact, despite the more noticeable language & cultural barriers for us (which often leaves us "in the dark"), we've noticed that many Indochinese people initially come across as very polite, passive and non-confrontational (especially in order to please their foreign visitors), but very quickly (sometimes without notice or maybe at the smallest misunderstanding) their pent up aggression can explode & become hostile. Then they hold onto these hardened feelings & misconceptions until the other party humbly and submissively takes the blame... It's very challenging to work through the language barrier and cultural sensitivity issues when this emotion gets out of control, but fortunately God sustained our spirits and gave us the strength, wisdom & peace to humbly wade through the manure of a couple sticky situations there. After processing these personal experiences, I feel more confident and assured that the Spirit's peace can work through us (in spite of us), and I feel more connected to the living God who makes all of us more capable of forgiving, loving, extending kindness, respecting others, and unifying in him as one body with many parts... 
Now, I can't explain the apparent absence of God's light during the genocide that occurred here or anywhere else in the world for that matter (it's one of my biggest questions for God, especially after visiting Tuol Sleng & the Killing Fields), but the closest I have come to understanding it for myself is that this darkness was a direct cause of people trying to take matters into their own hands and using their "free will" to "play God" for their own selfish desires. When all of this happens without the light of God's will & blessing, the darkness prevails, fear spreads, and humans reek havoc... Thus proving that there's no firm foundation on Earth without God's truth to support it. Actually, I'm just now discovering that the more I acknowledge & attribute to God, the more firm his foundation becomes through the intricate pattern of his creation -- life.Continuing our travels through Thailand again, we picked up Heather's boyfriend in Bangkok and headed south. The most notable differences down the west coast of the peninsula (versus Eastern Thailand) are the higher costs, the steadier stream of tourists (not during the monsoon seasons) and the emotional, mental & physical effects of the Tsunami (Dec 04), which wiped away everything completely -- businesses, homes, lives and hope. The only thing people really had to fall back on was tourism. Fortunately, there is an increasing popularity of eco-tourism and community development excursions, but some people still wear a sort of superficial "tourist" mask of pleasantries & adventure packages which hide the thick under layer of darkness here.
(Not to mention that most tourists either don't care or can't dig too deep into the emotional trauma due to their language barriers, limited holiday itineraries and inability to commit, invest or relate to them.) Nobody really talks in depth about this hidden layer of darkness, but we've managed to learn a bit about it through keen observation and blessed conversations. The source of this unstable layer (throughout Asia) includes pluralistic spiritualism, avid religiosity toward ancient folklore, sensible way-of-life philosophies without a true promise of hope, feel-good superstitious practices of "security" (like scarecrows to keep away bad spirits or spirit houses to "house" good spirits around the home or business)... 
and then more specifically here on the west coast of Thailand: festivals of "purification" (whereby people call on spirits to possess them & then they voluntarily stab themselves to prove that these embodied spirits "protect" them), fortune tellers (predicting the next Tsunami to hit 23 Dec), and a traumatized karma (which locals blame as the reason the Tsunami hit there in the first place)... But there IS hope. In fact, there is supposedly more hope for the people now than there was before the Tsunami: more NGOs, more relief aid, more skills trainings from outside groups, more local empowerment, more care for one another, and more room for God's light to shine.Overall, the major elements of my transformation include hearing people's stories, surviving India with an unexplainable peace, songs like The Potter's Hands and In Christ Alone, finishing Dangerous Wonder, talking everything over with Heather, reading the rather objective daily devotional My Utmost for His Highest*, reading The Bible with a new vision, accepting his truth, and praying... *In fact, the devotional reading the other day (12 Dec) was particularly inspiring:
When love, or the Spirit of God strikes a man, he is transformed, he no longer insists upon his separate individuality [...] If you give up your right to yourself to God, the real true nature of your personality answers to God straight away. Jesus Christ emancipates the personality, and the individuality is transfigured, the transfiguring element is love, personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality.
This was my transformation. Now I can more easily locate the Spirit of God within me for others. I can practice patience more readily. I feel more at peace with my natural self. I've healed. I've died and been reborn... And only I can testify to it because it's my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... Everyone has their own process of discovering what piece of God's image they're made in & made for... I'm still trying to figure out my piece, but I'm closer than I ever have been.
I know it'll be a constant struggle, though. It's as if my soul is in a lifelong tug-of-war, and just because I've decided to accept & trust God doesn't mean that I'm some kind of superhero. I'm just as susceptible as the next person to physical pain, emotional distress, mental anguish, worldly desires, sudden miscommunication, fear, anger, depression, etc... but now I understand my process of letting go and letting God work it all out in & through me. It's not by my doing; it's by his doing through my being... All the more reason we need to love, support & embody the light for each other in the dark, rather than taking matters into our own hands by trying to "do" God's job... a job too great for us. After all, we are human "beings" not human "doings".
Friday, November 02, 2007
india: a culture too complex to capture
every state has its own culture, its own customs, its own food, its own landscape, and even its own language. only the dress, the family tradition, the cultural festivals and the age-old rituals unite them. in fact, even though Hindi is the national language (with English being a close runner-up), many people don't know more than their local language... this makes a sense of nationalism rather difficult, let alone possible for one administration to govern... as reflected by recent conflicts between the national government pushing industrialization & Progress (probably out of desperation due its debt to the World Bank) and the landless farm-workers & Marxist-led people marching on Delhi (or protesting in Kolkatta) in order to stand up for their rights, their freedom, their land and their heritage amidst encroaching globalization. (as one Indian told us, "where there isn't any running water or electricity, you'll still find coke, pepsi, cellphones and hints of a decaying family structure"... and, yes, walmart is on its way here too.)
yesterday, Heather and I visited a national monument/museum of India's Nobel Prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore (who inspired me to get back to my writing)... leading the country in its own Renaissance movement at the turn of the 20th century, he paved the way to creatively and peacefully take back & save their culture from being corrupted by western influences, which people had begun "following blindly"... we need more leaders like him today! because even though he (& his good friend Gandhi) left India with an incredible legacy of peaceful resistance and a stronger sense of heritage (in fact, one of his poems is now their national anthem), there is still an implicit extreme pressure and national sentiment to strive hard for success. (i'm not sure where it comes from exactly, but it's one of the biggest moral problems that Indians claim to have here... if you come home from school with an 88% on a test, and your parents will scold you for not doing better.)
unfortunately, many people throughout the underdeveloped and developing world are still following the example of the West -- blindly... reflecting on what the West is offering the world, i ask myself:
yesterday, Heather and I visited a national monument/museum of India's Nobel Prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore (who inspired me to get back to my writing)... leading the country in its own Renaissance movement at the turn of the 20th century, he paved the way to creatively and peacefully take back & save their culture from being corrupted by western influences, which people had begun "following blindly"... we need more leaders like him today! because even though he (& his good friend Gandhi) left India with an incredible legacy of peaceful resistance and a stronger sense of heritage (in fact, one of his poems is now their national anthem), there is still an implicit extreme pressure and national sentiment to strive hard for success. (i'm not sure where it comes from exactly, but it's one of the biggest moral problems that Indians claim to have here... if you come home from school with an 88% on a test, and your parents will scold you for not doing better.)
unfortunately, many people throughout the underdeveloped and developing world are still following the example of the West -- blindly... reflecting on what the West is offering the world, i ask myself:
"Do we want the world to follow our poor example? What are we telling the world by disrespecting our elders, by neglecting our children, by supporting a wasteful & consuming society, by devoting so much importance to a media that demoralizes the human heart, by living up to the title 'fast food nation', by fearing the unknown, by playing the 'us' versus 'them' card all the time, by self-righteously fighting "terror" or by endorsing war in the 'name of God' (i.e. using a religious platform for a political agenda)? What example are we setting for the world?"
• being ever so patient with the differences (like endless interrupting questions & over-insistence to eat, buy, hire, give, sit, say something, stay, and not cleanup after yourself... hoping to leave you with a good enough impression to hurry back),
• admiring the cultural richness (like the religious diversity)
• and staying true to ourselves...
since everyone looks up to us, i am seriously worried about what this world is coming to... thank God that the world's salvation is not my burden to bare, and thank God i have the privilege & rational mind to understand that.
______________________________
so, we've been in India nearly 6 weeks now, and we've managed to survive, namely by:
• being ever so patient with the differences (like endless interrupting questions & over-insistence to eat, buy, hire, give, sit, say something, stay, and not cleanup after yourself... hoping to leave you with a good enough impression to hurry back),
• admiring the cultural richness (like the religious diversity)
• and staying true to ourselves...
in fact, it's an interesting challenge to think about and seek to understand the complexity of it all without reacting to anything... constantly humbling myself, quietly observing, respectfully asking questions, non-judgementally listening, dissolving mental & emotional boundaries, and still expanding my comfort zone.
one very important part of this process (through every culture) requires that we suspend our opinionated logic long enough to carefully understand the differences in the logic here.
take the environment, for example. while you might find people habitually dropping their trash wherever (which accumulates everywhere fast), Indians are not at all wasteful. (seems ironic, doesn't it?) they limit their consumption, they recycle by creatively reusing, they use water instead of toilet paper (for the most part), they depend on public transportation or they use minimum-waste vehicles (trains, auto- or cycle-rickshaws, bicycles, buses, motorcycles), and there is a growing number of environmental & public health NGOs that are beginning to make a remarkable difference here.
next, take arranged marriages. from what i understand, the ideal arranged-marriage is one where families very carefully select life-partners for their children (through a series of "profile" exchanges, reference checks, personal interviews and then a vote by the groom-to-be), then the couple grows to love each other over time (establishing a committed partnership), and then the two wedded families are equally held accountable for the success of the marriage. if something goes wrong, they have their two families to support them. (supposedly in a love-marriage, they don't have that kind of support, because the families aren't to blame for the success of your relationship.) ... of course, this doesn't always happen this way. for example, some families still "marry off" their children for money -- illegally practicing the dowry system of arranged marriages whereby the bride's family "pays off" the groom's family to ensure good care of their daughter, who usually doesn't have any choice or say in the matter. (although, this is changing a little bit now in major cities.)
so what about the overt subordination, exploitation and submission of women? for example, the wife is expected not to eat with her family or husband at a meal but to serve them only. also, most women are often blatantly excluded from debates, discussion and decision-making... yeah, so, i'm still trying to figure that one out.
finally, take religious diversity & cultural sensitivity. one interesting common sentiment here is that everyone claims to have a religious tolerance of each other. while this theory is practiced in an initial, superficial, welcoming sort of way, it is definitely not always practiced on a deeper level between folks... even still, it permeates into the culture in the form of religious/cultural festivals, tourism, commercialism, and media. for example, as one woman recently reminded us, Hinduism is a more of a way of life than a religion: they get up early, do their yoga, light their candle & incense, say their prayers, work hard, respect others and stay faithful to "their god." (note, she did not say "gods" because she's a devotee to Krishna; however, she also said that she still believes in and prays to Jesus.) from what i understand, there is a sense of security in this type of pluralistic way of thinking, believing & living, so you'll find hints of it everywhere with every god or guru represented... the bottom line is that Hinduism is so much a part of the culture, the society, the tradition & the dress (even the bindis and the sarees) that anything else is not truly Indian. in fact, now you'll find all Indians (regardless of their religion of choice) practicing these age-old Hindu customs.
which brings me to another part of Indian logic that i still can't fully grasp: the culturally- and psychologically-ingrained Hindu legacy of the caste system (i.e. religious intolerance via social hierarchy)... at the very bottom of which you'll find Christians (below the "untouchables") and at the very top of which you'll find upper-eschelon Hindu priests... in fact, here's an interesting picture of what Christians face in this country:
... in India, becoming a Christian isn't just a case of crying 'hallelujah' and digging Jehovah instead of Siva and his henchmen, it's a case of voluntarily ostracising yourself from society. Hindus reject those of their faith who switch to another: after all, you are born a Hindu and will die a Hindu, and that's all there is to it.
i couldn't have said it better... except to add that Christians are the minority (only about 3% of the entire population), so their faith is that of a set of true & liberated survivors -- humbly & lovingly battling all odds against an overwhelming & oppressing society... and knowing that everyone is equal at the foot of the cross.
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