a light in the dark

Overwhelmed by this profound journey of faith, broken more times than I can count, humbled by Christ's unrivaled & unconditional compassion for the entire world, and marveled by my expanding concept of who/what God really is, I am emerging from the darkness, stepping into his light, seeking him (even though he's been seeking me all along), and being transformed by the Advocate...

“in the dark” : the absence of physical light... not fully knowing, not clearly seeing, scary, cut off from the rest of the world... cold, blinded, hidden, confused, lost, isolated, alone, gloomy, morbid, clouded, vulnerable, shameful, a result of selfishness... often helpless, frightened, desperate, miserable, terrified, panicked, seemingly hopeless... a breeding ground of fear & anxiety which causes us to exaggerate and distort reality... and an eternal death.

“in the light” : in plain view, clear as day, safe, assurance, an awakening, unconcealed astonishment... warm, revealed, found, connected, illuminated, enlightened, knowledgeable, confident... evidence of true HOPE... an incredible, complex combination of color as seen in a rainbow... and an eternal life through atonement.

Now, this blog entry is by no means intended to over-emphasize, dramatize or exploit the negative, the despair and the darkness of the world; rather, I want to highlight the positive, the hope and the light that is possible in every situation (only through the gift of a personal relationship with him).

So this is my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... as of India anyway.

We spent our last day in India visiting the Mother Teresa sites in Kolkata (her tomb in the Mother House, her home for children, and her home for the sick & dying). After spending six long weeks traveling throughout this chaotic country, I felt especially moved by her obedience, her devotion & her perseverance in the midst of the darkness, poverty, sickness, starvation, filth & hopelessness found in Kolkata and scattered throughout India... In fact, one of the many things that I learned from our visit at the Mother House was that she learned to embrace and love the darkness because it drew her closer to God, closer to understanding Christ’s experience on Earth & his unfathomable passion of sacrifice on the cross, and closer to piercing through the darkness of human suffering by sharing his light with the world. What a profound testimony of faith and hope! Like Gandhi's "be the change you want to see in the world," Mother Teresa's life inspired me to be the light I want to see in the darkness of the world, to love as Christ loved us (even while surrounded by darkness), and to try not to let the "darkness" ever consume me, drag me down or distract me from seeing his "divine intent" in others.

We arrived in Thailand (8 Nov) just in time to attend an incredibly spirit-filled conference in the one of the most perpetually disturbing cities I've ever visited: Pattaya -- the prostitution capital of the world. This seedy place gave us a stark reminder of just how much the "darkness" grips and consumes the world (namely the sexual tourists, their SE Asian concubines/"bar girls"/prostitutes, and all the individuals effected by this chosen or *pressured* lifestyle). Not surprisingly, the government isn't insistent about putting an end to this terrible tourist industry because it directly benefits the economy... To top it all off, the superficial glamour, the desperate income, the temporary security, and the hopeless wealth all feed the sex trade and make these sexual slaves search for "salvation" in all the wrong places (like in rich white foreigners)... *Unfortunately, families often pressure their youth into the sex trade in order to increase their income & status, especially when they see their neighbors' daughters bring back a lot of foreign money from Pattaya.* It's a vicious cycle, but there IS hope... there's always hope... After leaving the majestical haven of a conference, we visited two ministries doing amazing work in the slums, on the streets, in the bars and now in the surrounding villages with the people effected by this sexual tourism. Little by little, individual by individual, Christ is using the women & new disciples from these ministries to pierce through the darkness that tries to make Pattaya seem hopeless.

Cambodia just recently survived a very very dark period of their history, one in which the Khmer Rouge killed nearly 2 million people (about 1/4 of the population), 1975-1979 & beyond. Defensive national sentiments still persist along side a desperation for hope (especially in the form of capitalism, animism & ancient Hindu-influenced Buddhist religiosity), but they don't directly admit it or reveal their true feelings. (This "concealing" tendency seems to be a cultural trait, but the political regime also suppressed them for so long that they just don't communicate openly.) In fact, despite the more noticeable language & cultural barriers for us (which often leaves us "in the dark"), we've noticed that many Indochinese people initially come across as very polite, passive and non-confrontational (especially in order to please their foreign visitors), but very quickly (sometimes without notice or maybe at the smallest misunderstanding) their pent up aggression can explode & become hostile. Then they hold onto these hardened feelings & misconceptions until the other party humbly and submissively takes the blame... It's very challenging to work through the language barrier and cultural sensitivity issues when this emotion gets out of control, but fortunately God sustained our spirits and gave us the strength, wisdom & peace to humbly wade through the manure of a couple sticky situations there. After processing these personal experiences, I feel more confident and assured that the Spirit's peace can work through us (in spite of us), and I feel more connected to the living God who makes all of us more capable of forgiving, loving, extending kindness, respecting others, and unifying in him as one body with many parts... Now, I can't explain the apparent absence of God's light during the genocide that occurred here or anywhere else in the world for that matter (it's one of my biggest questions for God, especially after visiting Tuol Sleng & the Killing Fields), but the closest I have come to understanding it for myself is that this darkness was a direct cause of people trying to take matters into their own hands and using their "free will" to "play God" for their own selfish desires. When all of this happens without the light of God's will & blessing, the darkness prevails, fear spreads, and humans reek havoc... Thus proving that there's no firm foundation on Earth without God's truth to support it. Actually, I'm just now discovering that the more I acknowledge & attribute to God, the more firm his foundation becomes through the intricate pattern of his creation -- life.

Continuing our travels through Thailand again, we picked up Heather's boyfriend in Bangkok and headed south. The most notable differences down the west coast of the peninsula (versus Eastern Thailand) are the higher costs, the steadier stream of tourists (not during the monsoon seasons) and the emotional, mental & physical effects of the Tsunami (Dec 04), which wiped away everything completely -- businesses, homes, lives and hope. The only thing people really had to fall back on was tourism. Fortunately, there is an increasing popularity of eco-tourism and community development excursions, but some people still wear a sort of superficial "tourist" mask of pleasantries & adventure packages which hide the thick under layer of darkness here. (Not to mention that most tourists either don't care or can't dig too deep into the emotional trauma due to their language barriers, limited holiday itineraries and inability to commit, invest or relate to them.) Nobody really talks in depth about this hidden layer of darkness, but we've managed to learn a bit about it through keen observation and blessed conversations. The source of this unstable layer (throughout Asia) includes pluralistic spiritualism, avid religiosity toward ancient folklore, sensible way-of-life philosophies without a true promise of hope, feel-good superstitious practices of "security" (like scarecrows to keep away bad spirits or spirit houses to "house" good spirits around the home or business)... and then more specifically here on the west coast of Thailand: festivals of "purification" (whereby people call on spirits to possess them & then they voluntarily stab themselves to prove that these embodied spirits "protect" them), fortune tellers (predicting the next Tsunami to hit 23 Dec), and a traumatized karma (which locals blame as the reason the Tsunami hit there in the first place)... But there IS hope. In fact, there is supposedly more hope for the people now than there was before the Tsunami: more NGOs, more relief aid, more skills trainings from outside groups, more local empowerment, more care for one another, and more room for God's light to shine.

Overall, the major elements of my transformation include hearing people's stories, surviving India with an unexplainable peace, songs like The Potter's Hands and In Christ Alone, finishing Dangerous Wonder, talking everything over with Heather, reading the rather objective daily devotional My Utmost for His Highest*, reading The Bible with a new vision, accepting his truth, and praying... *In fact, the devotional reading the other day (12 Dec) was particularly inspiring:

When love, or the Spirit of God strikes a man, he is transformed, he no longer insists upon his separate individuality [...] If you give up your right to yourself to God, the real true nature of your personality answers to God straight away. Jesus Christ emancipates the personality, and the individuality is transfigured, the transfiguring element is love, personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality.

This was my transformation. Now I can more easily locate the Spirit of God within me for others. I can practice patience more readily. I feel more at peace with my natural self. I've healed. I've died and been reborn... And only I can testify to it because it's my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... Everyone has their own process of discovering what piece of God's image they're made in & made for... I'm still trying to figure out my piece, but I'm closer than I ever have been.

I know it'll be a constant struggle, though. It's as if my soul is in a lifelong tug-of-war, and just because I've decided to accept & trust God doesn't mean that I'm some kind of superhero. I'm just as susceptible as the next person to physical pain, emotional distress, mental anguish, worldly desires, sudden miscommunication, fear, anger, depression, etc... but now I understand my process of letting go and letting God work it all out in & through me. It's not by my doing; it's by his doing through my being... All the more reason we need to love, support & embody the light for each other in the dark, rather than taking matters into our own hands by trying to "do" God's job... a job too great for us. After all, we are human "beings" not human "doings".

india: a culture too complex to capture

every state has its own culture, its own customs, its own food, its own landscape, and even its own language. only the dress, the family tradition, the cultural festivals and the age-old rituals unite them. in fact, even though Hindi is the national language (with English being a close runner-up), many people don't know more than their local language... this makes a sense of nationalism rather difficult, let alone possible for one administration to govern... as reflected by recent conflicts between the national government pushing industrialization & Progress (probably out of desperation due its debt to the World Bank) and the landless farm-workers & Marxist-led people marching on Delhi (or protesting in Kolkatta) in order to stand up for their rights, their freedom, their land and their heritage amidst encroaching globalization. (as one Indian told us, "where there isn't any running water or electricity, you'll still find coke, pepsi, cellphones and hints of a decaying family structure"... and, yes, walmart is on its way here too.)

yesterday, Heather and I visited a national monument/museum of India's Nobel Prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore (who inspired me to get back to my writing)... leading the country in its own Renaissance movement at the turn of the 20th century, he paved the way to creatively and peacefully take back & save their culture from being corrupted by western influences, which people had begun "following blindly"... we need more leaders like him today! because even though he (& his good friend Gandhi) left India with an incredible legacy of peaceful resistance and a stronger sense of heritage (in fact, one of his poems is now their national anthem), there is still an implicit extreme pressure and national sentiment to strive hard for success. (i'm not sure where it comes from exactly, but it's one of the biggest moral problems that Indians claim to have here... if you come home from school with an 88% on a test, and your parents will scold you for not doing better.)

unfortunately, many people throughout the underdeveloped and developing world are still following the example of the West -- blindly... reflecting on what the West is offering the world, i ask myself:

"Do we want the world to follow our poor example? What are we telling the world by disrespecting our elders, by neglecting our children, by supporting a wasteful & consuming society, by devoting so much importance to a media that demoralizes the human heart, by living up to the title 'fast food nation', by fearing the unknown, by playing the 'us' versus 'them' card all the time, by self-righteously fighting "terror" or by endorsing war in the 'name of God' (i.e. using a religious platform for a political agenda)? What example are we setting for the world?"

since everyone looks up to us, i am seriously worried about what this world is coming to... thank God that the world's salvation is not my burden to bare, and thank God i have the privilege & rational mind to understand that.

______________________________

so, we've been in India nearly 6 weeks now, and we've managed to survive, namely by:

• tuning-out the annoyances (like the obsessive horn-honking and the hovering, nearly-glaring, curious onlookers),
• being ever so patient with the differences (like endless interrupting questions & over-insistence to eat, buy, hire, give, sit, say something, stay, and not cleanup after yourself... hoping to leave you with a good enough impression to hurry back),
• admiring the cultural richness (like the religious diversity)
• and staying true to ourselves...

in fact, it's an interesting challenge to think about and seek to understand the complexity of it all without reacting to anything... constantly humbling myself, quietly observing, respectfully asking questions, non-judgementally listening, dissolving mental & emotional boundaries, and still expanding my comfort zone.

one very important part of this process (through every culture) requires that we suspend our opinionated logic long enough to carefully understand the differences in the logic here.

take the environment, for example. while you might find people habitually dropping their trash wherever (which accumulates everywhere fast), Indians are not at all wasteful. (seems ironic, doesn't it?) they limit their consumption, they recycle by creatively reusing, they use water instead of toilet paper (for the most part), they depend on public transportation or they use minimum-waste vehicles (trains, auto- or cycle-rickshaws, bicycles, buses, motorcycles), and there is a growing number of environmental & public health NGOs that are beginning to make a remarkable difference here.

next, take arranged marriages. from what i understand, the ideal arranged-marriage is one where families very carefully select life-partners for their children (through a series of "profile" exchanges, reference checks, personal interviews and then a vote by the groom-to-be), then the couple grows to love each other over time (establishing a committed partnership), and then the two wedded families are equally held accountable for the success of the marriage. if something goes wrong, they have their two families to support them. (supposedly in a love-marriage, they don't have that kind of support, because the families aren't to blame for the success of your relationship.) ... of course, this doesn't always happen this way. for example, some families still "marry off" their children for money -- illegally practicing the dowry system of arranged marriages whereby the bride's family "pays off" the groom's family to ensure good care of their daughter, who usually doesn't have any choice or say in the matter. (although, this is changing a little bit now in major cities.)

so what about the overt subordination, exploitation and submission of women? for example, the wife is expected not to eat with her family or husband at a meal but to serve them only. also, most women are often blatantly excluded from debates, discussion and decision-making... yeah, so, i'm still trying to figure that one out.

finally, take religious diversity & cultural sensitivity. one interesting common sentiment here is that everyone claims to have a religious tolerance of each other. while this theory is practiced in an initial, superficial, welcoming sort of way, it is definitely not always practiced on a deeper level between folks... even still, it permeates into the culture in the form of religious/cultural festivals, tourism, commercialism, and media. for example, as one woman recently reminded us, Hinduism is a more of a way of life than a religion: they get up early, do their yoga, light their candle & incense, say their prayers, work hard, respect others and stay faithful to "their god." (note, she did not say "gods" because she's a devotee to Krishna; however, she also said that she still believes in and prays to Jesus.) from what i understand, there is a sense of security in this type of pluralistic way of thinking, believing & living, so you'll find hints of it everywhere with every god or guru represented... the bottom line is that Hinduism is so much a part of the culture, the society, the tradition & the dress (even the bindis and the sarees) that anything else is not truly Indian. in fact, now you'll find all Indians (regardless of their religion of choice) practicing these age-old Hindu customs.

which brings me to another part of Indian logic that i still can't fully grasp: the culturally- and psychologically-ingrained Hindu legacy of the caste system (i.e. religious intolerance via social hierarchy)... at the very bottom of which you'll find Christians (below the "untouchables") and at the very top of which you'll find upper-eschelon Hindu priests... in fact, here's an interesting picture of what Christians face in this country:

... in India, becoming a Christian isn't just a case of crying 'hallelujah' and digging Jehovah instead of Siva and his henchmen, it's a case of voluntarily ostracising yourself from society. Hindus reject those of their faith who switch to another: after all, you are born a Hindu and will die a Hindu, and that's all there is to it.

i couldn't have said it better... except to add that Christians are the minority (only about 3% of the entire population), so their faith is that of a set of true & liberated survivors -- humbly & lovingly battling all odds against an overwhelming & oppressing society... and knowing that everyone is equal at the foot of the cross.

india: impressions

Two and a half weeks in India. Only four more to go. Adjustment* takes half the time, so hopefully Exploration will take the other half. Trouble is: we don't have enough time to venture very far from the major cities that we have contacts in (Mumbai, Kochi, Chennai, Bangalore, Delhi, and Kolkata). Hopefully, we'll still plan a day trip to Mysore, a few days up near Mussoorie & Dehradun, and a small getaway in West Bengal.

[* to the unique culture, the engulfing heat & humidity, the rushing hectic pace of the city, the nail-biting & horn-honking kamikaze traffic, the wonderfully spicy & distinctly flavorful food, the somewhat invasive inquisitiveness of seemingly impatient/distracted people (that don't always wait for you to fully answer their questions before they ask another one or try to finish your thought for you)... and so much more.]

Nevertheless, thanks to our incredible hosts and new friends in Kalyan (a Mumbai suburb), in Ernakulum (a commercial district adjacent to Kochi), in Vazhakulam (a "pineapple city" in rural Kerala), and now in Chennai, we've managed to survive gracefully, adjust rapidly, breathe a little more deeply, eat wholesomely, see a lot locally (especially by moto & on local transport), and learn more directly from the contemporary culture.

Therefore, even though this visit is only a short introduction to the second most-populous country in the world, I can still mention some notable impressions and interesting observations about this place...

First, I must say, India is everything "they" say it is and more... Hot, humid, hectic, holy, overly hospitable, and always in a hurry... Aromatic, savory, spicy and sanctified... Seemingly chaotic, crowded, colourful, confident, constantly moving, and consecrated by all those who “believe” in some higher power. In fact, I remember someone saying, “If you’re not religious, you’ll find religion in India.” Even if only referring to the faith that you absolutely must have to survive the traffic here, it seems like everyone depends on their faith in order to survive even their own world. Religiosity is nearly a requirement of the culture.

Now, some other random bits of India for you, before we move on from here and before I give up on updating this blog altogether:

• Indians are generally so warm, welcoming, friendly, helpful, and insistent that you stay and/or keep eating... unlike most Americans who are quick to judge and discriminate against them.
• (as mentioned) incessant curiosity & inquisitiveness; everyone wants to know everyone else's business or story or testimony, asking how you like it, what you think, how it's different, if you like the (spicy) food (assuming you don't or can't take it as a foreigner); they watch your every move (even how you eat); sharing information with each other about you... it's rather nerve-wracking sometimes.
• everyone is in a rush and programmatic -- they want to know your every move, every plan, hopes, visions, where you've been, where you're going... everything starts on time (mirroring their excellent train system). crowds push like mad to try to get on the train and fight to get off.
• like Madagascar, traffic flows organically, like a river or like a herd of cattle. autos, motos, bicyclists and pedestrians all squeeze through. drivers are all confident of not hitting each other. bus drivers are the craziest and most bold.
• safety is not an issue in most places. for example, no one wears seatbelts and motorcyclists don't wear helmets (even though it's now against the law, it's not generally enforced). in fact, many times families of four will all pile on one bike together: small child in front, then the father, and finally the mother riding side-saddle at the back with her smaller child in hand... no one wearing a helmet.
• bodily functions are quite open and excepted in public -- no shame, no embarrassment, no reservations, no pardons necessary. for example, folks without amenities relieve themselves wherever there's a spot to squat -- along the train tracks, off the coastline, in a field or an abandoned lot -- bucket of water in hand... burbs and farts are the same.
• grime and mold stream down patchworked buildings which are sealed to prevent leaks (along the Mumbai local train route).
• trash everywhere and no one seems to have a second thought about littering.
• "wild" domesticated animals freely roam the streets between traffic: hundreds of dogs (in Mumbai especially), monkeys of the side of the road on the way up to Pune, goats, roosters, an elephant and camels (probably for tourists), and hundreds of cows meandering on the roads or pulling carts alongside everyone else.
• shoes off before entering any home and/or sacred place.
• women wear sarees or shawls over their head during prayer time.
• spiritual leaders are roles reserved for men.
• ritualistic & seemingly monotonous prayer, mosques sound their time to pray, temples have schedules for non-Hindus, idols everywhere (Hindu & Catholic alike)
• the wobbly-head thing that everyone does in agreement with what you're saying (not to be confused with shaking their head in disagreement).
• never put your mouth directly on the opening of a bottled-drink (namely water) so you can hygienically share it with others; instead, pour it into your mouth a gulp at a time.
• everyone eats with their right hand and wipes with their left hand (using only a sprayer next to the toilet or a small bucket of water), even though you wash your hands before and after eating (most homes have a separate, common-use sink for such purposes); we decided that we preferred using toilet paper instead.
• all woman wear beautiful, colorful and sometimes rather ornate dresses or sarees (wraps); while many men can look quite shabby or simple, wearing lungis or dhothis (wrapped skirts, like sarongs), that look like diapers when they tuck the bottom edge to into the top when it's hot.

There is so much more, but I won't ever post this if I don't stop here.

"how do you find it here?"

just a quick note to report that we've made it to Mumbai, India, and we're staying with my friend Manju's uncle's pastor's family just outside the city in Kalyan. heather is trying to recover from a stomach bug (picked up in Madagascar, we think), and i'm getting over another small sinus cold... while both of us are managing to adjust to the extreme humidity (relative to southern Africa but not to where we're headed further south in India).

we're also eating glorious food prepared by the pastor's wife, Gracey, and trying to catch up a bit on emails at a nearby cybercafe before we head back "home," past a drum ensemble celebrating the end of a recent idol-worshipping Hindu holiday: Ganesh Cathurthi (the elephant-headed god of prosperity and wisdom is immersed in the sea in a ritual "originally promoted by freedom-fighters to circumvent British anti-assembly legislation" (Rough Guide 2005).

tonight we're going to a "prayer meeting" (type of house-worship) and then to a dinner (around 10 pm!) with Manju's precious family... by Monday, we'll head down the west coast (maybe by way of a coastal route) to Cochin/Kochi.

one interesting note is how inquisitive Indians are (even our hosts' neighbor commented on that)... only 2.5 days into our stay in India, and everyone is already asking us how we like it, how it's different, if we're accustomed to eating with our hand (right only), etc...