a light in the dark

Overwhelmed by this profound journey of faith, broken more times than I can count, humbled by Christ's unrivaled & unconditional compassion for the entire world, and marveled by my expanding concept of who/what God really is, I am emerging from the darkness, stepping into his light, seeking him (even though he's been seeking me all along), and being transformed by the Advocate...

“in the dark” : the absence of physical light... not fully knowing, not clearly seeing, scary, cut off from the rest of the world... cold, blinded, hidden, confused, lost, isolated, alone, gloomy, morbid, clouded, vulnerable, shameful, a result of selfishness... often helpless, frightened, desperate, miserable, terrified, panicked, seemingly hopeless... a breeding ground of fear & anxiety which causes us to exaggerate and distort reality... and an eternal death.

“in the light” : in plain view, clear as day, safe, assurance, an awakening, unconcealed astonishment... warm, revealed, found, connected, illuminated, enlightened, knowledgeable, confident... evidence of true HOPE... an incredible, complex combination of color as seen in a rainbow... and an eternal life through atonement.

Now, this blog entry is by no means intended to over-emphasize, dramatize or exploit the negative, the despair and the darkness of the world; rather, I want to highlight the positive, the hope and the light that is possible in every situation (only through the gift of a personal relationship with him).

So this is my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... as of India anyway.

We spent our last day in India visiting the Mother Teresa sites in Kolkata (her tomb in the Mother House, her home for children, and her home for the sick & dying). After spending six long weeks traveling throughout this chaotic country, I felt especially moved by her obedience, her devotion & her perseverance in the midst of the darkness, poverty, sickness, starvation, filth & hopelessness found in Kolkata and scattered throughout India... In fact, one of the many things that I learned from our visit at the Mother House was that she learned to embrace and love the darkness because it drew her closer to God, closer to understanding Christ’s experience on Earth & his unfathomable passion of sacrifice on the cross, and closer to piercing through the darkness of human suffering by sharing his light with the world. What a profound testimony of faith and hope! Like Gandhi's "be the change you want to see in the world," Mother Teresa's life inspired me to be the light I want to see in the darkness of the world, to love as Christ loved us (even while surrounded by darkness), and to try not to let the "darkness" ever consume me, drag me down or distract me from seeing his "divine intent" in others.

We arrived in Thailand (8 Nov) just in time to attend an incredibly spirit-filled conference in the one of the most perpetually disturbing cities I've ever visited: Pattaya -- the prostitution capital of the world. This seedy place gave us a stark reminder of just how much the "darkness" grips and consumes the world (namely the sexual tourists, their SE Asian concubines/"bar girls"/prostitutes, and all the individuals effected by this chosen or *pressured* lifestyle). Not surprisingly, the government isn't insistent about putting an end to this terrible tourist industry because it directly benefits the economy... To top it all off, the superficial glamour, the desperate income, the temporary security, and the hopeless wealth all feed the sex trade and make these sexual slaves search for "salvation" in all the wrong places (like in rich white foreigners)... *Unfortunately, families often pressure their youth into the sex trade in order to increase their income & status, especially when they see their neighbors' daughters bring back a lot of foreign money from Pattaya.* It's a vicious cycle, but there IS hope... there's always hope... After leaving the majestical haven of a conference, we visited two ministries doing amazing work in the slums, on the streets, in the bars and now in the surrounding villages with the people effected by this sexual tourism. Little by little, individual by individual, Christ is using the women & new disciples from these ministries to pierce through the darkness that tries to make Pattaya seem hopeless.

Cambodia just recently survived a very very dark period of their history, one in which the Khmer Rouge killed nearly 2 million people (about 1/4 of the population), 1975-1979 & beyond. Defensive national sentiments still persist along side a desperation for hope (especially in the form of capitalism, animism & ancient Hindu-influenced Buddhist religiosity), but they don't directly admit it or reveal their true feelings. (This "concealing" tendency seems to be a cultural trait, but the political regime also suppressed them for so long that they just don't communicate openly.) In fact, despite the more noticeable language & cultural barriers for us (which often leaves us "in the dark"), we've noticed that many Indochinese people initially come across as very polite, passive and non-confrontational (especially in order to please their foreign visitors), but very quickly (sometimes without notice or maybe at the smallest misunderstanding) their pent up aggression can explode & become hostile. Then they hold onto these hardened feelings & misconceptions until the other party humbly and submissively takes the blame... It's very challenging to work through the language barrier and cultural sensitivity issues when this emotion gets out of control, but fortunately God sustained our spirits and gave us the strength, wisdom & peace to humbly wade through the manure of a couple sticky situations there. After processing these personal experiences, I feel more confident and assured that the Spirit's peace can work through us (in spite of us), and I feel more connected to the living God who makes all of us more capable of forgiving, loving, extending kindness, respecting others, and unifying in him as one body with many parts... Now, I can't explain the apparent absence of God's light during the genocide that occurred here or anywhere else in the world for that matter (it's one of my biggest questions for God, especially after visiting Tuol Sleng & the Killing Fields), but the closest I have come to understanding it for myself is that this darkness was a direct cause of people trying to take matters into their own hands and using their "free will" to "play God" for their own selfish desires. When all of this happens without the light of God's will & blessing, the darkness prevails, fear spreads, and humans reek havoc... Thus proving that there's no firm foundation on Earth without God's truth to support it. Actually, I'm just now discovering that the more I acknowledge & attribute to God, the more firm his foundation becomes through the intricate pattern of his creation -- life.

Continuing our travels through Thailand again, we picked up Heather's boyfriend in Bangkok and headed south. The most notable differences down the west coast of the peninsula (versus Eastern Thailand) are the higher costs, the steadier stream of tourists (not during the monsoon seasons) and the emotional, mental & physical effects of the Tsunami (Dec 04), which wiped away everything completely -- businesses, homes, lives and hope. The only thing people really had to fall back on was tourism. Fortunately, there is an increasing popularity of eco-tourism and community development excursions, but some people still wear a sort of superficial "tourist" mask of pleasantries & adventure packages which hide the thick under layer of darkness here. (Not to mention that most tourists either don't care or can't dig too deep into the emotional trauma due to their language barriers, limited holiday itineraries and inability to commit, invest or relate to them.) Nobody really talks in depth about this hidden layer of darkness, but we've managed to learn a bit about it through keen observation and blessed conversations. The source of this unstable layer (throughout Asia) includes pluralistic spiritualism, avid religiosity toward ancient folklore, sensible way-of-life philosophies without a true promise of hope, feel-good superstitious practices of "security" (like scarecrows to keep away bad spirits or spirit houses to "house" good spirits around the home or business)... and then more specifically here on the west coast of Thailand: festivals of "purification" (whereby people call on spirits to possess them & then they voluntarily stab themselves to prove that these embodied spirits "protect" them), fortune tellers (predicting the next Tsunami to hit 23 Dec), and a traumatized karma (which locals blame as the reason the Tsunami hit there in the first place)... But there IS hope. In fact, there is supposedly more hope for the people now than there was before the Tsunami: more NGOs, more relief aid, more skills trainings from outside groups, more local empowerment, more care for one another, and more room for God's light to shine.

Overall, the major elements of my transformation include hearing people's stories, surviving India with an unexplainable peace, songs like The Potter's Hands and In Christ Alone, finishing Dangerous Wonder, talking everything over with Heather, reading the rather objective daily devotional My Utmost for His Highest*, reading The Bible with a new vision, accepting his truth, and praying... *In fact, the devotional reading the other day (12 Dec) was particularly inspiring:

When love, or the Spirit of God strikes a man, he is transformed, he no longer insists upon his separate individuality [...] If you give up your right to yourself to God, the real true nature of your personality answers to God straight away. Jesus Christ emancipates the personality, and the individuality is transfigured, the transfiguring element is love, personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality.

This was my transformation. Now I can more easily locate the Spirit of God within me for others. I can practice patience more readily. I feel more at peace with my natural self. I've healed. I've died and been reborn... And only I can testify to it because it's my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... Everyone has their own process of discovering what piece of God's image they're made in & made for... I'm still trying to figure out my piece, but I'm closer than I ever have been.

I know it'll be a constant struggle, though. It's as if my soul is in a lifelong tug-of-war, and just because I've decided to accept & trust God doesn't mean that I'm some kind of superhero. I'm just as susceptible as the next person to physical pain, emotional distress, mental anguish, worldly desires, sudden miscommunication, fear, anger, depression, etc... but now I understand my process of letting go and letting God work it all out in & through me. It's not by my doing; it's by his doing through my being... All the more reason we need to love, support & embody the light for each other in the dark, rather than taking matters into our own hands by trying to "do" God's job... a job too great for us. After all, we are human "beings" not human "doings".