"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest." (Elderidge 185)
The wait is most certainly not over, but I'm content with the mystery of His plan & I'm excited to watch as His purpose for my life is unfolded layer by layer.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
let's unite!
For a year, my sister & I traveled in faith around the world, and God gave us the opportunity to fellowship with all kinds of communities of Christian Faith (including Andries Louw's!). What an amazing & enlightening experience.
[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]
Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.
Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.
God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.
So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?
How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!
Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.
Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.
[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]
Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.
Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.
God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.
So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?
How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!
Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.
Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.
[I wrote this as a response to
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
there is always hope!
the general discourse of many people in the world these days (no thanks to the US media) is seemingly hopeless. i say, there is always hope! it's been right in front of us all this time, and everything of this world prevents us from seeing it, believing it and experiencing it fully, wholy & simply...
i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).
i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!
check it out:
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i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).
i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!
check it out:
...
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 NLT
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May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV
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That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.
All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:18-27 The Message
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God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times. Lamentations 3:25-26 The Message
Thursday, March 05, 2009
a glimpse into Guatemala
These seven weeks flew by, and I feel like I barely got to “know” Guatemala. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written anything in a while. (The other part is that I haven’t had the time & space to sit down to write.) I tried to just take it all in – listening, learning, observing, and finding the words to describe it all. The longer I wait, though, the harder it is (especially now that I’m home finishing this post).
Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.
Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.
Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.
As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...
Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.
Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.
Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.
As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.
¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.
All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.
Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.
Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.
As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...
Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.
Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.
As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.
¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.
All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.
aquí estoy yo
Here I am. At the very end of my journey to Guatemala. Alive and, well, nearly as uncertain of my future as when I left. No surprise, really. I wasn’t expecting to figure it all out, but I hoped to pick up some more pieces of the puzzle at least. I definitely have a few more clues now, but I’m sure they won’t make sense or fall into place until later. I guess that’s the glorious gift of our ongoing creation and the wondrous mystery of how God weaves & unfolds it all.
In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.
Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.
Here I am.
In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.
Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.
Here I am.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
bendición profunda
What a “profound blessing” this journey has been... last week in particular. It’s like I finally woke up, started praising God for everything, felt His hope, and began to trust His plan. From the amazing host families to the teachers & other students at my language school, I have so much to be thankful for... So here I am, finally recognizing the light of “Esperanza” (Hope) that He’s give me.
Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.
In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.
Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)
Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...
Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.
Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.
Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.
Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.
In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)
Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...
Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.
Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.
Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
expectations
I try not to have any expectations so I'm never disappointed in anything, but sometimes I do & I am. The challenge is to find contentment and to praise God regardless of the circumstances.
Well, here I am... still waiting, hoping, expecting God to open doors, heal me, move me, strength me to take more steps forward, and/or change my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I'm also praying fervently, trying to put the word out there, and attempting to connect with people... It's just it would have been so much easier to take the tourist track or to join a missions tour or something.
Waiting, hoping, expecting... “esperando.” Just one word for such an intense process: esperar.
Since my last post, I left Guatemala City, took a “first class” bus (rather than a second class “chicken bus”) to Quetzaltenango (Xela), settled in with my new God-sent host family (incidentally in a little outlying town called “La Esperanza”) , and started “school” with a Spanish tutor at Utatlan in downtown Xela. Really, I have no complaints, but for some reason, I´m struggling to find contentment & “esperanza” in my path. How do I truly “esperar” for God? How can I rest in His hands -- when I struggle trusting His plan? when I don´t even know what His plan is? when can´t figure out what He wants me to do? when I can´t make any decisions for myself? when I´m so focused on my own issues? when I can´t let go of my own selfish desires? when I expect too much & don´t get any response?
Waiting, hoping, expecting… todavía esperando.
The problem is that I want things to work out for myself, not necessarily just for God’s glory. That’s not to say that there´s always a complete difference, but a lot of times, there is. For example, my current host family here planned to go hiking up a volcano & camping this weekend, but at the very last minute, it was cancelled due to a death in their church (7th Day Adventist). I understood & totally respected the fact that they needed to grieve together as a Body of believers, but I have to admit, I was selfishly a little disappointed. I had really hoped & nearly expected that this was finally a breakthrough in this season of “esperando”, but apparently, I have some more waiting to do… and definitely a whole lot more learning to do in order to rest & find contentment in His hands.
I thank God nothing bad has happened to me, but for quite some time, I was virtually stunned & nearly paralyzed by the heavy cloud of fear that threatens to contaminate the entire subcontinent (due to the increase in violent crime, the infiltrating drug cartel, the corruption in the government, the underpaid police force, and so much more than meets the eye... not to mention many people´s valid yet persistent guardedness & paranoia about the crime).
Everyone has a story about how crime has affected them. For example, just last week, my family´s cousin was assaulted, robbed of $200,000, and kidnapped from his own place of business. They still don´t know where he is, and the only thing they can do is pray & negotiate with the kidnappers. Please pray for a miracle.
Fortunately, not everyone is paralyzed by this dark cloud. In fact, Guatemala is a beautiful country full of the nicest people, but unfortunately, many of them are too intimidated to stand up against or even report the corruption that takes place. I don´t blame them, though; the Enemy is embedded in the social system & overwhelmingly strong among the people here. In fact, according to a local missionary here, the corruption is even seeping into the Church. If the people can´t even turn to the Church for help, where else can they turn?
I also thank God for my two blessed host families (in Guatemala City and here in Xela), and I know that He prepared a small place for me among them, even just for short time... However, since their houses are a bit far from the city centers, I´ve felt a little isolated from the hub of the culture. In Guatemala City, I couldn´t come or go on my own at all, because it was too dangerous, too far away from everything, & initially too difficult to get around on my own. In Xela, I could finally come & go on my own, but I´d have to leave the city center by 5:30 at the latest to catch the bus home (30-45 minutes in transit), thus missing out on some of the activities at the school or with the other students… Granted, I know I´m not here to hang out with other travelers, but I´d selfishly like to get to know the city some more & take a little more advantage being here. Plus, Heather & I learned last year that “being” among other travelers is a form of ministry in and of itself... Regardless, I definitely sense that it´s time to move out of my current host family, simply because there isn´t really enough room for me. (The 5 of them are humbly & graciously sharing a room so I can have my own room.)
So what should I do? Logically, I should move closer to town & maybe even stay with a random host family that the school can set up for me. However, nothing is quite that simple for me. In fact, I may have made it even harder on myself by asking for help from a local missionary here. Maybe not, though. We´ll see after today. The bottom line is that I wasn´t sure what to do or where to go, so I couldn´t commit to a host family from the school. Nevertheless, I asked the local missionary for help in finding a host family and/or an opportunity to serve for the rest of the time I´m in Xela. She got back to me with news of a new host family (still a little ways from downtown & still $35/week like all the other home-stays), but nothing about serving anywhere. I was extremely grateful to connect with her, but I was still a little confused about what to do, where to go, & why I haven´t “plugged in” anywhere, yet. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer & a number of decent secular programs doing great things in the community, so why haven´t I jumped in anywhere? I don´t know. I either haven´t been available (due to my Spanish tutoring schedule or my home-stay locale), I´m not here long enough to commit the required amount of time for volunteers, or I haven´t felt the call or pull towards any of them, yet. Then again, this may only be an introduction, a chance for God to plant some seeds in my life & in the lives of those I encounter. His purpose is far greater than I can imagine, so maybe I´m just here to learn to be content in Him… as much as I want to see, do, go & be somewhere else.
In the meantime, I´m trying to breathe deep, wait patiently, praise God in all circumstances, look for the positive, be thankful for the opportunities I'm given, focus on & pray for His will, “be” Christ with those around me, spend time in the Word, listen to the whisper of the Spirit, and forget about myself.
Well, here I am... still waiting, hoping, expecting God to open doors, heal me, move me, strength me to take more steps forward, and/or change my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I'm also praying fervently, trying to put the word out there, and attempting to connect with people... It's just it would have been so much easier to take the tourist track or to join a missions tour or something.
Waiting, hoping, expecting... “esperando.” Just one word for such an intense process: esperar.
Since my last post, I left Guatemala City, took a “first class” bus (rather than a second class “chicken bus”) to Quetzaltenango (Xela), settled in with my new God-sent host family (incidentally in a little outlying town called “La Esperanza”) , and started “school” with a Spanish tutor at Utatlan in downtown Xela. Really, I have no complaints, but for some reason, I´m struggling to find contentment & “esperanza” in my path. How do I truly “esperar” for God? How can I rest in His hands -- when I struggle trusting His plan? when I don´t even know what His plan is? when can´t figure out what He wants me to do? when I can´t make any decisions for myself? when I´m so focused on my own issues? when I can´t let go of my own selfish desires? when I expect too much & don´t get any response?
Waiting, hoping, expecting… todavía esperando.
The problem is that I want things to work out for myself, not necessarily just for God’s glory. That’s not to say that there´s always a complete difference, but a lot of times, there is. For example, my current host family here planned to go hiking up a volcano & camping this weekend, but at the very last minute, it was cancelled due to a death in their church (7th Day Adventist). I understood & totally respected the fact that they needed to grieve together as a Body of believers, but I have to admit, I was selfishly a little disappointed. I had really hoped & nearly expected that this was finally a breakthrough in this season of “esperando”, but apparently, I have some more waiting to do… and definitely a whole lot more learning to do in order to rest & find contentment in His hands.
I thank God nothing bad has happened to me, but for quite some time, I was virtually stunned & nearly paralyzed by the heavy cloud of fear that threatens to contaminate the entire subcontinent (due to the increase in violent crime, the infiltrating drug cartel, the corruption in the government, the underpaid police force, and so much more than meets the eye... not to mention many people´s valid yet persistent guardedness & paranoia about the crime).
Everyone has a story about how crime has affected them. For example, just last week, my family´s cousin was assaulted, robbed of $200,000, and kidnapped from his own place of business. They still don´t know where he is, and the only thing they can do is pray & negotiate with the kidnappers. Please pray for a miracle.
Fortunately, not everyone is paralyzed by this dark cloud. In fact, Guatemala is a beautiful country full of the nicest people, but unfortunately, many of them are too intimidated to stand up against or even report the corruption that takes place. I don´t blame them, though; the Enemy is embedded in the social system & overwhelmingly strong among the people here. In fact, according to a local missionary here, the corruption is even seeping into the Church. If the people can´t even turn to the Church for help, where else can they turn?
I also thank God for my two blessed host families (in Guatemala City and here in Xela), and I know that He prepared a small place for me among them, even just for short time... However, since their houses are a bit far from the city centers, I´ve felt a little isolated from the hub of the culture. In Guatemala City, I couldn´t come or go on my own at all, because it was too dangerous, too far away from everything, & initially too difficult to get around on my own. In Xela, I could finally come & go on my own, but I´d have to leave the city center by 5:30 at the latest to catch the bus home (30-45 minutes in transit), thus missing out on some of the activities at the school or with the other students… Granted, I know I´m not here to hang out with other travelers, but I´d selfishly like to get to know the city some more & take a little more advantage being here. Plus, Heather & I learned last year that “being” among other travelers is a form of ministry in and of itself... Regardless, I definitely sense that it´s time to move out of my current host family, simply because there isn´t really enough room for me. (The 5 of them are humbly & graciously sharing a room so I can have my own room.)
So what should I do? Logically, I should move closer to town & maybe even stay with a random host family that the school can set up for me. However, nothing is quite that simple for me. In fact, I may have made it even harder on myself by asking for help from a local missionary here. Maybe not, though. We´ll see after today. The bottom line is that I wasn´t sure what to do or where to go, so I couldn´t commit to a host family from the school. Nevertheless, I asked the local missionary for help in finding a host family and/or an opportunity to serve for the rest of the time I´m in Xela. She got back to me with news of a new host family (still a little ways from downtown & still $35/week like all the other home-stays), but nothing about serving anywhere. I was extremely grateful to connect with her, but I was still a little confused about what to do, where to go, & why I haven´t “plugged in” anywhere, yet. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer & a number of decent secular programs doing great things in the community, so why haven´t I jumped in anywhere? I don´t know. I either haven´t been available (due to my Spanish tutoring schedule or my home-stay locale), I´m not here long enough to commit the required amount of time for volunteers, or I haven´t felt the call or pull towards any of them, yet. Then again, this may only be an introduction, a chance for God to plant some seeds in my life & in the lives of those I encounter. His purpose is far greater than I can imagine, so maybe I´m just here to learn to be content in Him… as much as I want to see, do, go & be somewhere else.
In the meantime, I´m trying to breathe deep, wait patiently, praise God in all circumstances, look for the positive, be thankful for the opportunities I'm given, focus on & pray for His will, “be” Christ with those around me, spend time in the Word, listen to the whisper of the Spirit, and forget about myself.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
esperando... waiting
How easily things can change. I’m still in Guatemala City, but I really hope to go to Xela tomorrow. The problem is that I am at the mercy of my hosts, who live far south of the city, and I don’t know my way (nor do I feel comfortable or safe) to get around by myself, yet.
Why didn’t I go on Sunday like I’d planned? Well, I must have looked uneasy about the trip, because my host brother sat me down & sincerely asked me if I really felt ready to go. The truth is I didn’t feel ready because I didn’t have a bus ticket & because I hadn’t signed up for any language school there yet (to start Monday)… Not to mention, I started feeling really paranoid about traveling by myself in an increasingly dangerous country. (My hosts, their friends and the US State Dept persistently warn against traveling alone, after dark, with anything valuable, and into certain areas of the city or countryside.)
So since I didn’t have anything sorted out for Xela & since I’m traveling alone, I started to cave in under the anxiety, and it showed. In trying my best to explain myself to my host brother, I realized that maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to take another day to pray about it all. Maybe I needed to repack & reconsider what I should leave behind (including my laptop). Maybe I needed to at least make contact a few language schools (even if I don’t know where they are in relation to where I’m staying, yet). Maybe I just needed to slow down and WAIT.
While that seemed like a good idea at first, I’m wrestling with it. Waiting is so hard, and while I feel like I’ve had lots of practice in waiting (while traveling the world, having done vipassana, doing community work, living at home with my parents for a couple months, etc), it’s as if I’ve forgotten & I’m relearning how to truly WAIT... be still, and know God.
Why didn’t I go on Sunday like I’d planned? Well, I must have looked uneasy about the trip, because my host brother sat me down & sincerely asked me if I really felt ready to go. The truth is I didn’t feel ready because I didn’t have a bus ticket & because I hadn’t signed up for any language school there yet (to start Monday)… Not to mention, I started feeling really paranoid about traveling by myself in an increasingly dangerous country. (My hosts, their friends and the US State Dept persistently warn against traveling alone, after dark, with anything valuable, and into certain areas of the city or countryside.)
So since I didn’t have anything sorted out for Xela & since I’m traveling alone, I started to cave in under the anxiety, and it showed. In trying my best to explain myself to my host brother, I realized that maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to take another day to pray about it all. Maybe I needed to repack & reconsider what I should leave behind (including my laptop). Maybe I needed to at least make contact a few language schools (even if I don’t know where they are in relation to where I’m staying, yet). Maybe I just needed to slow down and WAIT.
While that seemed like a good idea at first, I’m wrestling with it. Waiting is so hard, and while I feel like I’ve had lots of practice in waiting (while traveling the world, having done vipassana, doing community work, living at home with my parents for a couple months, etc), it’s as if I’ve forgotten & I’m relearning how to truly WAIT... be still, and know God.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
el milagro primero
the first miracle of the journey is that i actually arrived in one piece. seriously. it seemed like nearly all forces were working against me... except the Force that matters most, apparently, 'cause i made it! Gracias a Dios!
here's how it went down: i got sick (sensitive tonsils, swollen glands, chronic headache, sleepless nights, aching body & pure exhaustion) the day before i left my parents’ house in Connecticut. i called AA at the last minute but decided that it wasn't worth canceling/postponing the trip. i bit the bullet and literally threw all my stuff together to go anyway. (can you tell i was starting to drag my feet?) i took the train down to NYC, lugged my tiresome body through the streets & subway to a friend's house in Queens, and slept only 6 hours before taking a cab to LGA amid a snow storm. (thankfully, i wasn't on the flight from LGA to Charlotte that day, or the trip would have really been canceled.) what followed should have been a 6-hour trip through Miami turned into a 15-hour one with 6 delays!
several times i'd asked myself: had i pushed my own agenda to go? was i going against God's desire? or was all this just the Enemy's attempt at discouraging me? there's a fine line there, but i'm confident (hopeful & trusting) that God will humble me, stretch me, strengthen me and teach me to depend more on Him than ever before... in fact, He's already doing that.
in the end, my contact in Guatemala City was there at the airport to pick me up. she & her brother quickly embraced me as a sister in faith, whizzed me off to their little town just south of the city (up & down the hills, through the darkened streets, past a few stumbling night-owls, safely back to their home), and welcomed me into their family.
so here i am. somewhat rested, healing, and trying to jump into the culture & the language with both feet. sí, completamente en español. ay ay ay.
all this is MUCH easier said then done. believe me... so please continue to pray for protection, discernment, wisdom, Divine appointments, cultural sensitivity, and expedient language learning. also, i'm about to take off again, moving forward into the unknown abyss of this journey, by continuing on to Quetzaltenango (Xela) tomorrow in order to enroll in a language school for a couple weeks.
the next miracle is that God hooked me up with another host family there -- one that my new Guatemalan brother here knows.
to be continued...
here's how it went down: i got sick (sensitive tonsils, swollen glands, chronic headache, sleepless nights, aching body & pure exhaustion) the day before i left my parents’ house in Connecticut. i called AA at the last minute but decided that it wasn't worth canceling/postponing the trip. i bit the bullet and literally threw all my stuff together to go anyway. (can you tell i was starting to drag my feet?) i took the train down to NYC, lugged my tiresome body through the streets & subway to a friend's house in Queens, and slept only 6 hours before taking a cab to LGA amid a snow storm. (thankfully, i wasn't on the flight from LGA to Charlotte that day, or the trip would have really been canceled.) what followed should have been a 6-hour trip through Miami turned into a 15-hour one with 6 delays!
several times i'd asked myself: had i pushed my own agenda to go? was i going against God's desire? or was all this just the Enemy's attempt at discouraging me? there's a fine line there, but i'm confident (hopeful & trusting) that God will humble me, stretch me, strengthen me and teach me to depend more on Him than ever before... in fact, He's already doing that.
in the end, my contact in Guatemala City was there at the airport to pick me up. she & her brother quickly embraced me as a sister in faith, whizzed me off to their little town just south of the city (up & down the hills, through the darkened streets, past a few stumbling night-owls, safely back to their home), and welcomed me into their family.
so here i am. somewhat rested, healing, and trying to jump into the culture & the language with both feet. sí, completamente en español. ay ay ay.
all this is MUCH easier said then done. believe me... so please continue to pray for protection, discernment, wisdom, Divine appointments, cultural sensitivity, and expedient language learning. also, i'm about to take off again, moving forward into the unknown abyss of this journey, by continuing on to Quetzaltenango (Xela) tomorrow in order to enroll in a language school for a couple weeks.
the next miracle is that God hooked me up with another host family there -- one that my new Guatemalan brother here knows.
to be continued...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
"showing up" in Guatemala
Again, the time has come for a new adventure to begin. This time by myself... and to Guatemala for about 7 weeks without any agenda. I don't know what I'll be doing exactly yet, but I trust the Spirit will lead me.
Why Guatemala? Initially, I just wanted to study Spanish through immersion again, but I had to put that idea on hold for a while. Upon considering it four years later, though, it became clear that it would be more than just a language immersion experience -- it would be another journey of faith with purpose greater than I could imagine... even if I don't know what it is yet.
On last year's journey, my sister & I took plenty of chances, put ourselves out there in connecting with people we didn't know, watched God masterfully weave it all together, and experienced transformation in the process. I tangibly learned what living in faith is all about -- believing without seeing, going without knowing where you're going to land, following the lead of the Spirit, and letting Him really plan the journey... All of which I'll be doing this time around, too, in taking another giant leap.
So what's my so-called plan? I arrive Jan. 15, and I'll stay until March 4. A friend (who my sister & I met in Thailand last year) & her family are graciously hosting me for the first few days in Guatemala City. Then, I hope to go up to Quetzaltenango (Xela) or possibly Antigua for a couple weeks to do language study. After that? I don't know really. I'm open to going wherever, but I don't have anything set-up yet... When, where & what are all to be determined.
Basically, I'm hoping to "show up" & "be" there for others, to serve with "cultural intelligence", and to connect with local people, ministries & organizations doing incarnational, contextualized, missiological Community-work. All I have to offer are my God-given hands, heart, ears, eyes, compassion, willingness, strength, time, interest, prayer, and experience doing some project management & community organizing. I reckon that'll be enough to serve & glorify Him with. ;)
Please write me & share your stories, contacts and favorite places there, so you can be part of my evolving journey. hope(at)deifell(dot)com
Thank you ahead of time for all your love, compassion, support, prayers and best wishes. Please keep them coming!
Why Guatemala? Initially, I just wanted to study Spanish through immersion again, but I had to put that idea on hold for a while. Upon considering it four years later, though, it became clear that it would be more than just a language immersion experience -- it would be another journey of faith with purpose greater than I could imagine... even if I don't know what it is yet.
On last year's journey, my sister & I took plenty of chances, put ourselves out there in connecting with people we didn't know, watched God masterfully weave it all together, and experienced transformation in the process. I tangibly learned what living in faith is all about -- believing without seeing, going without knowing where you're going to land, following the lead of the Spirit, and letting Him really plan the journey... All of which I'll be doing this time around, too, in taking another giant leap.
So what's my so-called plan? I arrive Jan. 15, and I'll stay until March 4. A friend (who my sister & I met in Thailand last year) & her family are graciously hosting me for the first few days in Guatemala City. Then, I hope to go up to Quetzaltenango (Xela) or possibly Antigua for a couple weeks to do language study. After that? I don't know really. I'm open to going wherever, but I don't have anything set-up yet... When, where & what are all to be determined.
Basically, I'm hoping to "show up" & "be" there for others, to serve with "cultural intelligence", and to connect with local people, ministries & organizations doing incarnational, contextualized, missiological Community-work. All I have to offer are my God-given hands, heart, ears, eyes, compassion, willingness, strength, time, interest, prayer, and experience doing some project management & community organizing. I reckon that'll be enough to serve & glorify Him with. ;)
Please write me & share your stories, contacts and favorite places there, so you can be part of my evolving journey. hope(at)deifell(dot)com
Thank you ahead of time for all your love, compassion, support, prayers and best wishes. Please keep them coming!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
random acts with purpose
i'm finally breaking the silence...
"clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet"
our stories involve process, purpose, and a promise of completion. there's no wishful-thinking hope; there's always confident hope in the One that weaves us all together and openly completes us with His perfect love once we ask for it. everything happens for a reason, so as we continue to contribute to the "ongoing creation of the world"*, it's our choice to respond.
all last year, i wondered about Purpose... the ultimate question "Why?"... the big picture. the reason things happen the way they do. the reason i haven't posted anything in a year. the reason i bother with it anymore.
searching for the real reason for being here, doing what we do, feeling what we feel... desiring to understand what happens naturally... seeking an explanation of pain, suffering, war, earth wakes, political oppression, social & spiritual suppression, mental illness, distance, miscommunication, prejudice, disease, death... noticing the effects of our choices: the time we manage, the decisions we make, the actions we take, the phone calls we answer, the emails/blogs we write, the feelings we act out, the emotions we let consume us, the places we land, the people we love...
science can't explain Purpose and i can't understand "Why?" any more than eluding to its magnitude, diversity & complication... but that's what faith is all about -- confidently trusting and knowing Someone who can and does.
sometimes, we'll never know how it all fits together. other times, we'll learn and then refine that understanding down the road. and in all ways we can come to know the Way of Truth & Life through the One that testifies to it. pure & simple.
life is God’s gift to us, so life should be our gift to God. unfold it. make life the dangerous wonder that continually gives back and uncovers the mystery "Why".
"clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet"
our stories involve process, purpose, and a promise of completion. there's no wishful-thinking hope; there's always confident hope in the One that weaves us all together and openly completes us with His perfect love once we ask for it. everything happens for a reason, so as we continue to contribute to the "ongoing creation of the world"*, it's our choice to respond.
all last year, i wondered about Purpose... the ultimate question "Why?"... the big picture. the reason things happen the way they do. the reason i haven't posted anything in a year. the reason i bother with it anymore.
searching for the real reason for being here, doing what we do, feeling what we feel... desiring to understand what happens naturally... seeking an explanation of pain, suffering, war, earth wakes, political oppression, social & spiritual suppression, mental illness, distance, miscommunication, prejudice, disease, death... noticing the effects of our choices: the time we manage, the decisions we make, the actions we take, the phone calls we answer, the emails/blogs we write, the feelings we act out, the emotions we let consume us, the places we land, the people we love...
science can't explain Purpose and i can't understand "Why?" any more than eluding to its magnitude, diversity & complication... but that's what faith is all about -- confidently trusting and knowing Someone who can and does.
sometimes, we'll never know how it all fits together. other times, we'll learn and then refine that understanding down the road. and in all ways we can come to know the Way of Truth & Life through the One that testifies to it. pure & simple.
life is God’s gift to us, so life should be our gift to God. unfold it. make life the dangerous wonder that continually gives back and uncovers the mystery "Why".
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