spontaneous good times

my last weekend in San Francisco ended up being really incredible. i spent real quality time with my closest friends there, and i took each random opportunity to hang out with them as a much-needed blessing to free myself from my own mind and heartbreak.

thurs: my brother's Seeing Beyond Salon party.
fri: lunch w/ Rhea, then over to Jen's place and out w/ her & Sebastian to the Supper Club.
sat: Joel helped my pack my bike for shipping, then we all went to see Bjork at the Shoreline Amphitheathre.
sun: roamed around Noe Valley with Kirstin & Grant, went to an underground punk show with them, and spent the night over at their beautiful little cabin in the woods in Canyon.
mon: packed my bags and had a wonderful dinner with Mardie, Caleb and Steve at Coco500.
tues: Caleb took me to the OAK airport at 4:30 in the morning! and my brother & Brian picked me up at RDU around 5 pm.

it's so wonderful to be pleasantly reminded and surprised that i have friends that care about and love me deeply... this weekend was exactly what i needed, and i couldn't have asked for anything more... thank God for friends.

the beautiful sky

"At sunset look to the west and the waxing crescent Moon and the planet Venus will be within one degree of each other, being the two brightest objects in the evening sky."

what a beautiful site last night... and how amazing it would be if we all suspended our earthly possessions, attachments, assumptions, thoughts and emotions for a few peaceful moments... basking in the light of this distant cosmic dance: the crescent moon escorted by venus... in motion, alone, always changing, as they are, unaffected by others, and possibly unnoticed by most... much like how we are as organic beings. connected by the heavens.

finding peace

it's funny how quickly emotions can lead us astray. shortly after my previous post, i began to slowly spiral downward in anticipation of my departure... or, rather, as a reaction to this incredibly huge decision set before me: to leave or not to leave.

why was i wavering? for one thing, my sister & i haven't bought our RTW tickets, yet, but also i guess i was somehow waiting for a sign to confirm my decision either way...

an endless stream of life-altering questions flows through my mind. what am i doing? what could i be throwing away? is this the end or will it come full circle? would it be a mistake to stay or to go?

the only thing i have to hold on to is the faith that this feeling of devastation will pass and that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to... but there's no sense in hanging on to the unknown right now. i've only got this one precious life to live, and i'm taking a huge bold leap to claim it for myself... God willing.

"We had definitely committed ourselves
and were halfway out of our ruts.
We had put down our passage money
-- booked a sailing to Bombay.
This may sound too simple,
but is great in consequence.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),
there is one elementary truth
the ignorance of which kills
countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself,
providence moves too.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
raising in one's favor
all manner of unforeseen incidents,
meetings and material assistance
which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"

Excerpt from The Scottish Himalaya Expedition [1951]

silent meditations & sweet reflections

time stood still while on the 10-day vipassana retreat, and now it's flying by while visiting alaska again...

first, the retreat:
it was so amazing, fulfilling, transforming and intense (more than 10 years of counseling or therapy). that's what over 100 hours of sitting in silent meditation will do to someone that works patiently and persistently at this incredibly healing universal method... however, it's not for everyone. it takes a lot of self-determination and strong-will to complete the course, but it is well worth it. i highly recommend it.

so it's been about 3 weeks since the retreat, "Do i still feel a difference?" absolutely but the initial empowered feeling is fading a little. like any practice, it's really hard to maintain amidst our everyday realities, especially when our emotions, fears and wants get in the way... nevertheless, i definitely find myself letting go of things, not reacting as quickly, trying to change the patterns in my mind, and generally feeling happier... bottom line: it helps me put things in a much better perspective.

now, my visit to anchorage:
i have tried to do something everyday... whether it's cooking, yoga, church, the slush cup, frisbee golf, chipping the golf ball in the backyard, dinner with friends, movies, biking around the 'hood, riding the bus, salsa dancing lessons, hiking or cleaning, it's just nice to be here... although, sometimes i sense that my inevitable departure for NC and then around the world is difficult for me to swallow.

words of encouragement: a letter from a friend

Dear Hope,
We understand from your brother that you are going to attend the ten days vipassana meditation course. We are excited and happy for you and sending you encouragement. Having tried and experimented with many forms of inner transformational and spiritual work, we have experienced the pratice of vipassana to be one of the most useful and good tool for our lives. We know you will gain great insight and clarity for your life and be benefitted by the practice of meditation.
We imagine you may scared thinking about doing something you don't know for 10 days and there may be a temptation to withdraw or second guess yourself. It therefore takes courage to discover the strength you have wished for. So, we wish you a wondeful course and may you be happy on your journey.
With love...

Animator_vs_Animation

simple yet innovative computer animation at work... cute.

Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object)

way too much time online

i am continually amazed by how much time and energy people spend online... from technocrats to myspacers to bloggers, it's a little ridiculous. i'm rather tired of it all, and i don't want to lose myself in it... you see, as of late, i'm just as guilty of it... doing a bunch of online marketing for my brother's new book... anyway, it's easy to get sucked in, to compare pages & profiles, to forget how to directly interact with others, and to waste endless amounts of time on it all... it's sad, really... i definitely think we all need to take a serious break from it all. otherwise, at this rate, where will we be in 5, 10, 20 years from now? with microchip implants in our brains or something? it's like we're mutating into cylons. (did anyone see this week's season finale of battlestar galactica? crazy.) i mean i know for a fact that there are a LOT of good, progressive, interactive online communities out there, but i'm just worried about those folks that aren't necessarily doing something positive with their time online.

so these are some of the many reasons i'm taking a break from the world and participating in a 10-day vipassana (silent meditation) retreat near yosemite at the beginning of april.

... btw, one cool hybrid of online and offline communities is SF Zero, which hosts real world "tasks" and creates community online too... in fact, my brother posted an innovative task in conjunction with his recently published book Seeing Beyond Sight. check it out and join his myspace page. (how's that for an ironic twist... encouraging you to extend your time online.)

unconditional love

after a red-eye flight back to SF from AK and then a day-long trip cross-country to SC, i spent a week visiting my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and mom (who also came down for a visit from CT). it was like a mini-family-reunion. i loved it... it's amazing to have such a supportive family with unconditional love, open-arms, and generous, genuine care for one another, even if i'm down and out about something.

unfortunately, however, i've realized that i pretty much expect everyone else to be capable of the same sort of behavior. is that wrong to hope or assume about the world? i know that everyone is effected by different things and has had different experiences in life, but what would happen if everyone relinquished all fear and embraced genuine love for each other? what would the world be like? it almost doesn't seem possible to even imagine.

anyway, speaking of the world... our travel plans are coming along, but we need to get into high gear. my sister is doing some fundraising as well as some investigating into 'round-the-world plane tickets. i’m supposed to figure out all the other travel logistics, like visas, travel between countries, places to stay and website stuff... all very time consuming and easy to procrastinate on.

in fact, i'm dragging my feet a little because i've had some serious mixed emotions about the trip... the length of it (constantly on the road), the extreme self-awareness (for our safety), the fighting for rates on everything from cab fares to basic information, the anti-americanism everywhere, the sticking out like a sore thumb as 2 white american women with backpacks... and, to top it off, the sacrifice in leaving my beloved behind for so long. am i selfish to go and make him wait anyway? shouldn't i just have faith that everything will work out for the best? i'm trying to listen to my heart, maintain a balance with my mind, discern what's right, and let go and let God... that's one of the several reasons why i signed up for a 10-day vipassana retreat near yosemite: to clear my mind of all this mental chatter and to more clearly make the right decisions.

Anchorage, AK

so now i'm in big wild alaska!

it's gorgeous here in the winter. i'm surrounded by beautiful majestic snow-covered mountains. 10-25 degree days with clear skies and high wind gusts (for now), and 5-10 degree nights. cold... but i managed to get out to see a little reggae music our first night. then i went out and about to check out a little of this winter festival as well as the ceremonial iditarod dog sled race, which actually started the next day up the valley.

on sunday, i went to Mass at noon, then caught a parade downtown (closing the furroundy), and finally i ended up going back out to watch the sunset… which are super-long here (nearly 4 hours long) because the sun just hangs really low in the sky before it finally gives way to the horizon.

anyway, that's all for now. gotta run.

NOLA

a few weeks ago i went down to New Orleans to do some contracted playground-building work for my old employer, and i stayed on for a few days to volunteer for another organization that builds playgrounds around the world.

in the 2 weeks i spent there, i participated in 4 playground builds, dodged 2 tornadoes, shielded myself from unusually cold weather, toured the 9th ward and st. bernard parish (among other devastated areas)*, heard some great local music (Washboard Chaz), found some cool dive bars (the Circle Bar), witnessed the traditional season of debauchery (Mardi Gras), cheered for the less oligarchical floats (in the Muses), caught some beads and other cheap crap (made in China), hung out with old friends (Jenn Potts) and met some new ones (from San Clemente, CA)... i had a good time while there, but it was challenging to comprehend what happened there, what racial and socio-economic divisions there were, are and always will be, how crime has risen, and what anyone could do to help the situation... it's puzzling.

*devastated areas? anywhere outside the French Qtr anyway. there were water marks as high as 9 ft in some places. the only time water makes a mark like that is when it sits without receding for weeks. we built a playground in the East Bank between a new mobile-unit school and its old school building whose roof caved in and which reeked of mold. what a travesty. i had no idea. i'd heard about the flood waters and seen the gutted houses (with nothing but a chandelier hanging in one), but i'd never smelled that intense mold or understood the X's on the front of many places (marking the date, the initials of the group that searched, and the number of people or what animals were found dead). crazy.

disconnected

so close but so far away. i've been so removed, so disconnected from the world lately. i guess that's the privilege i have. i don't really have to think about the world all the time... or do i (especially since i'm planning this world trip with my sister)?... yes. i need to get going and plug myself back into the world.

well, the problem i have at the moment is that i'm not feeling altogether myself these days... i'm feeling a little ill, i'm not clearheaded, and i'm homeless & unsettled. so you can see why a big part of me feels a little out of sorts... sad, isn't it?

i guess it's not so bad. it does feel good to begin a new era again... you know, sheding old stuff and renewing my independence... only last weekend, i moved out of my apartment of 2 1/2 years in San Francisco, and i'm slowly saying goodbye to people. you see, i'm continuing to travel & Second for my old job (for supplimental income), and i'm staying at my brother's place in between trips until the end of February or maybe March... who knows?

in the meantime, i'll keep myself busy with the Seconding on playground builds and with helping my brother Tony out on publicizing his new book (soon to be released in the Spring).

off the map

I know. I've fallen off the face of the planet, right? well, that's why I hate these damn personal internet pages; somehow, it's almost an expectation never to drop out and stop updating them. i mean, heaven forbid we all go back into the world of the living and start interacting with each other more in person... so why bother to keep this page up to date? I don't know. I guess I want to be able to look back at this blog someday and remember all the places I've been... that's what this page is coming to: a personal journal, a list of random life occurrences, a place to put myself out there in the hopes that my friends and family will want to check in to see how I'm doing, and a chance to (re)connect with people.

speaking of the real world, a lot has been going on in my life. i'm about to embark on a completely new journey and experience in life. i quit my job. i'm head over heals in love. i'm about to travel the world with my sister for about 6 months... and today is the first day of the rest of my life. God is good.

since I last wrote, I built playgrounds in Sacramento, Austin, Venice (IL) and Houston, I built an ice rink in Buffalo, and I spent some time in Western North Carolina with my siblings and friends there. I also spent Thanksgiving with a good friend in Springfield, MO, and then Christmas with my family in Wethersfield, CT.

then everything at work flipped upside down, and I decided to quit. I left on good terms though, and I still plan to do some externally contracted work for them... in the meantime, I'm leaving my home of 2 1/2 years in SF, having to get rid of almost everything I own, and preparing to essentially live out of my bags for a whole year... coach-surfing, seconding for my old emplorer, moving back to NC maybe, and traveling the world with my sister.

the world (my world) is in flux, but i have an unusual peace about how it's all going to work out. I've just got to let go and let God.

unbelievable

time is flying by. i've been so busy that i haven't taken the time to write about it. and now it's too late to remember everything... but i'll try.





July: Liz Middleton visited, Whitney's B-day and Flint/MI Playground Build

August: Rock the Bells (8 hs of awesome Hip Hop in an outdoor concert), Playground Build and personal time in Twin Falls/ID, Green Bay/WI Playground Build, Woodburn/OR Build and visit with Matt Forness in Portland




September: Burning Man, the wdydwyd? project, Heather in town for more than 3 weeks
(starting in August), Design Day in Austin/TX, Pirates Rock Orchestra Puppet Show in SF, Ra in town for a weekend visit!, Playground Build & personal time in Vancouver & Whistler, Folsom Street Fair, Design Day and Playground Build in Illinois, Thursday night church at Dolores Park Church, Design Day in Buffalo/NY for an ICE RINK!, and my first visit to Burbank.

fun in the sun

man, it's been a while... i've been working hard and hardly working... at least enough to be too distracted to write about it.

since my trip to memphis back in early june, i've...

- hung out at Ocean Beach with good friends, like Kirsten!

- worked some long, hard hours for a playground/skatepark build in North Chicago.

- lead a Design Day meeting to kick off the start of a project that I also lead the outreach for (in Green Bay, WI).

- spent some quality time with my immediate family and some other extended Deifell relatives at Topsail Beach, NC.

- lead another Design Day meeting for the beginning of a playground project in Vancouver, BC, and spent some time touring the city a bit with my friend, Bryan Wilson. (It was so awesome to be introduced to such a great place by an old friend.)

what do NC, MI and TN have in common?

they've all recently seen the likes of Hope Deifell (aka, The Hope Deifell (THD), H2D (Hope Holliday Deifell), Ms. High Definition, Hope-alicious or Hoperino).

just before memorial day weekend, I Seconded for another project manager's playground build in Charlotte, NC. then, my old friend Felica came through (from Durham) to pick me up on her way up to camp in the Western North Carolina mountains. we hadn't seen each other in 2 years, so it was really awesome to reconnect and catch up with her.

while up in black mountain and asheville, i hung out with my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and several friends. we went to the Asheville Tourist's thirsty-Thursday baseball game. we hosted a clothes-swap with 17 women & clothes from 21 women, we went to a wedding, and we hosted a 6-hour-long cook-out up at our mountain house. it was an awesome long memorial weekend, and it was so great to be with so many friends and family!




then Felica dropped me back off at the CLT airport, and I flew back to SF for only 2 nights before heading to Flint, MI, for a playground Design Day meeting... finally, i have a new project, but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing... suffice it to say, I'm excited about working in Flint, but I still don't feel good about being left out of the game for so long.

after my short trip to Flint, I came back to SF for what ended up being an amazing weekend with my Alaskan friend named Ra... then, just last week, I Seconded for another project manager's playground build just outside of Memphis, TN. the weather was great, i got my sweet-tea fix, i drove by Graceland & through downtown Memphis, and the playground build went really well... but I suffered from a cold and a urinary tract infection all week. once I finally got home to SF, I went to the UCSF urgent care clinic to get a prescription for antibiotics... now, i'm much better but my back still hurts a bit. regardless, i have to go into work tomorrow... ughh. monday