Saturday, May 07, 2011
Monday, May 24, 2010
what if...
... we could live the questions of our lives confident of the answer that we need to live into the questions.
"Are you still searching for your calling? Are you still wrestling with your purpose on this earth? Our calling is to please Him--to wake up every morning saying, "Yes, Lord," then live through the day to discover His questions." (Beth Moore, Living Beyond Yourself)
Remember, God is LOVE, and He is only and always good. His Spirit is the evidence of His "Yes".
"Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1:19-21 (in Context)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
living the questions
I love having deep & deliberate conversations around faith, spirituality, life, and matters of the heart. So it's no surprise that I've sought out opportunities (and that I've been invited) to engage with folks on that level.
For one such engagement, one co-inspirer of the group shared this with us to spark a very fruitful discussion:
When we were together last, I mentioned this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet:
I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
My suggestion is that, to frame our time together, we think/talk about the questions we are “living”—those “unresolved” matters that keep us searching, even if the answers are elusive. My experience is that “living the questions” yields something better than answers; it stretches our capacity for wonder and mystery.
So what is/are the question(s) that you are living out in your life?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
consider hope
a birthday wish & letter to my friends:
Warmest greetings to you!My birthday is tomorrow (Friday), and I'd love to celebrate with you somehow -- in person and/or in spirit!Whether or not you can join me, please consider something with me:What is the meaning of "hope" in your life? What brings you true hope? What is the reason for your hope?As a form of celebrating with me (near or far), please just spend time thinking about this in depth.Then, if you feel inspired, see if you can come up with something you can share with me that represents it, like an object, a picture, a poem, a thought, a dream, a song, a symbol, a story, an action, etc. I would love to hear your take on it and also to begin collecting these sorts of stories & such from folks. Now, if you can't think of something specific, don't worry, just keep thinking about it. (Believe me, I've thought about it for nearly 31 years, especially the past 2.5, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.)Something will come to you eventually... and if not, ask someone who you consider to be "hope"-filled for the reason for their hope. That way, the essence of this birthday gift will continue to grow!Meanwhile, please know that I love & miss you dearly.Gratefully,Hope Deifell
Monday, March 01, 2010
testimony
I never feel like I can put my story in writing, because it's still being written. However, I've been asked to share it with folks, so here it goes:
My sister, Heather, and I dreamed of taking a trip around the world for over 10 years. (It took us 7 years of talking about it before we started saving money & setting a date to take off... 3 years later: July 2007.) About one year before our journey began, Heather felt compelled by the Spirit to consider this God's trip, not hers, but I rejected the idea. I didn't want to have anything to do with doing "missions" on this trip. I just wanted to see the world, meet interesting people, immerse myself into other cultures, expand my mind, experience life elsewhere, and travel the circumference of the earth... but not through missions. In fact, I was adamantly against it, mainly because I had an archaic, oppressive, crusader-type conception of missionaries. (Little did I know.)
Anyway, I decided that we would start off together but that I would take off on my own while she visited ministries & "did missions". Well, it turns out that traveling separately in Africa (our first stop) was not only dangerous at times, it was also logistically impossible to expect to get back together in a timely manner. Plus, I didn't have any particular direction to follow, and Heather did. So I decided to give up the fight (within myself) and stick with her.*
In the process (because it really has been a process), I realized how stubborn and prideful I had become within myself and also how judgmental and hypocritical I was towards missionaries & Christians, in particular. In fact, I used to boast about how open-minded, accepting & understanding I was toward everyone, but then it hit me -- I wasn't! I swallowed my pride, reserved my judgment, and decided to listen to them... really listen to their stories, their perspective and their journeys of faith.
Around the same time, I really wanted to talk with an old friend, someone I thought would be glad to hear from me, so I decided to call my ex-boyfriend one evening (plus, I was jealous that heather got to talk with her boyfriend all the time). Note: by this time, we were a month & a half into our year-long journey around the world, and I really just wanted that loving & caring connection with a friend, too. That night, though, he was not at all the loving, caring, supportive and excited-to-hear-from-me friend that I thought he'd be or that I needed him to be, so I made the very painful decision to cut those last few remaining heart strings between us and let him go. The result: a whiplash of emotion, a pendulum from hope to hopelessness, a deep depression, a void of love, an emptiness that I thought nothing could fill, and a brokenness below the depth that my heart is capable of feeling (which is very deep).
The very next morning, we went to church with our South African hosts, and there were three significant things that occurred. First, the entire service was in Afrikaans, so one of our hosts had to interpret the whole service for us. Already, I needed to learn to trust and depend on the messenger as well as the message -- translated. Second, the lead pastor humbled himself in such a powerful way by admitting that he was really struggling with his faith and that he needed prayer. The congregation surrounded him and prayed over him, right then and there. This is not something I'd ever witnessed from a leader of faith (to admit his struggles of faith in front of his own congregation). To me, it was a huge testament of genuine humility that proved his humanity, his imperfection, his need for prayer, his desperation for a supportive community, and his loneliness. My pride was on its way out.
Third (and most importantly), the pastor's sermon outlined the PERFECT love of Christ -- in all He said and did -- and how that perfect love can complete us, fill us, mend us & make us whole. I thought, "That's it! That's what I need in my life!" Even though I'd heard about God's love my whole life (growing up in the church, in a Christian home and as a pastor's kid), it never quite hit me the same way until that moment and in those circumstances. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. It was then I realized that no other human being could complete me like that -- only the divine, supernatural & perfect love of God's perfect Son can.
All of this didn't come to me right away, though. Remember, I was still wrestling with some pride, and I was way too stubborn to accept Him all at once. It was an intense process that took months to take root. However, that same Sunday afternoon, I retreated into my room, crawled under the covers (still in a depression from the night before), and cried my eyes out for several hours. In the midst of that brokenness and pain, I cried out, "Okay, God, if you're real, I really need you to prove Yourself to me, and in the meantime, I'll try out this relationship with Your Son."
That night, our host (the same one who translated the service for Heather & me that morning) offered to do some theophostics with me -- an intense inner healing prayer technique that traces a particular & prominent lie back through your memories to find the root and to pray for healing & forgiveness in that area of your life. I took her up on it, because I was still feeling pretty desperate for healing & restoration. However, what blew me away more than the actual healing that took place during that prayer session was her command and use of the name of Jesus, against the powers of darkness that threatened to cloud my vision, to cripple my body, mind & spirit, and to discourage me from healing. I thought, "Can you really do that? Does Jesus' name really have that authority?" Wow. I'd never known that the name of Jesus could have such a powerful affect on my life. It was amazing.
From that weekend on, I really started talking, walking & growing with Jesus, as if He were always really there listening to me, just waiting for me to make the first move, ready to meet me where I am, loving & caring to connect with me, and always glad to be with me.
As for my bold plea for "proof" from God, over that next month, there were too many "coincidences" for me to ignore, too many people who would speak directly into exactly what I was processing at the time, and too many times that the puzzle pieces seemed to fit together so perfectly -- I was overwhelmed with evidence, made tangible to me. For the remainder of our journey, despite all our ups & downs, my faith in Him grew as His foundation under me grew.
Now, there is a whole lot more to say about what happened and what's still happening in my journey of faith, but when someone asks for my story, I point back to our trip around the world and to this particular weekend as my initial transformation by the Spirit, my birth from above, and the beginning of my testimony of faith & my conscious walk with God.
My sister, Heather, and I dreamed of taking a trip around the world for over 10 years. (It took us 7 years of talking about it before we started saving money & setting a date to take off... 3 years later: July 2007.) About one year before our journey began, Heather felt compelled by the Spirit to consider this God's trip, not hers, but I rejected the idea. I didn't want to have anything to do with doing "missions" on this trip. I just wanted to see the world, meet interesting people, immerse myself into other cultures, expand my mind, experience life elsewhere, and travel the circumference of the earth... but not through missions. In fact, I was adamantly against it, mainly because I had an archaic, oppressive, crusader-type conception of missionaries. (Little did I know.)
Anyway, I decided that we would start off together but that I would take off on my own while she visited ministries & "did missions". Well, it turns out that traveling separately in Africa (our first stop) was not only dangerous at times, it was also logistically impossible to expect to get back together in a timely manner. Plus, I didn't have any particular direction to follow, and Heather did. So I decided to give up the fight (within myself) and stick with her.*
In the process (because it really has been a process), I realized how stubborn and prideful I had become within myself and also how judgmental and hypocritical I was towards missionaries & Christians, in particular. In fact, I used to boast about how open-minded, accepting & understanding I was toward everyone, but then it hit me -- I wasn't! I swallowed my pride, reserved my judgment, and decided to listen to them... really listen to their stories, their perspective and their journeys of faith.
Around the same time, I really wanted to talk with an old friend, someone I thought would be glad to hear from me, so I decided to call my ex-boyfriend one evening (plus, I was jealous that heather got to talk with her boyfriend all the time). Note: by this time, we were a month & a half into our year-long journey around the world, and I really just wanted that loving & caring connection with a friend, too. That night, though, he was not at all the loving, caring, supportive and excited-to-hear-from-me friend that I thought he'd be or that I needed him to be, so I made the very painful decision to cut those last few remaining heart strings between us and let him go. The result: a whiplash of emotion, a pendulum from hope to hopelessness, a deep depression, a void of love, an emptiness that I thought nothing could fill, and a brokenness below the depth that my heart is capable of feeling (which is very deep).
The very next morning, we went to church with our South African hosts, and there were three significant things that occurred. First, the entire service was in Afrikaans, so one of our hosts had to interpret the whole service for us. Already, I needed to learn to trust and depend on the messenger as well as the message -- translated. Second, the lead pastor humbled himself in such a powerful way by admitting that he was really struggling with his faith and that he needed prayer. The congregation surrounded him and prayed over him, right then and there. This is not something I'd ever witnessed from a leader of faith (to admit his struggles of faith in front of his own congregation). To me, it was a huge testament of genuine humility that proved his humanity, his imperfection, his need for prayer, his desperation for a supportive community, and his loneliness. My pride was on its way out.
Third (and most importantly), the pastor's sermon outlined the PERFECT love of Christ -- in all He said and did -- and how that perfect love can complete us, fill us, mend us & make us whole. I thought, "That's it! That's what I need in my life!" Even though I'd heard about God's love my whole life (growing up in the church, in a Christian home and as a pastor's kid), it never quite hit me the same way until that moment and in those circumstances. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. It was then I realized that no other human being could complete me like that -- only the divine, supernatural & perfect love of God's perfect Son can.
All of this didn't come to me right away, though. Remember, I was still wrestling with some pride, and I was way too stubborn to accept Him all at once. It was an intense process that took months to take root. However, that same Sunday afternoon, I retreated into my room, crawled under the covers (still in a depression from the night before), and cried my eyes out for several hours. In the midst of that brokenness and pain, I cried out, "Okay, God, if you're real, I really need you to prove Yourself to me, and in the meantime, I'll try out this relationship with Your Son."
That night, our host (the same one who translated the service for Heather & me that morning) offered to do some theophostics with me -- an intense inner healing prayer technique that traces a particular & prominent lie back through your memories to find the root and to pray for healing & forgiveness in that area of your life. I took her up on it, because I was still feeling pretty desperate for healing & restoration. However, what blew me away more than the actual healing that took place during that prayer session was her command and use of the name of Jesus, against the powers of darkness that threatened to cloud my vision, to cripple my body, mind & spirit, and to discourage me from healing. I thought, "Can you really do that? Does Jesus' name really have that authority?" Wow. I'd never known that the name of Jesus could have such a powerful affect on my life. It was amazing.
From that weekend on, I really started talking, walking & growing with Jesus, as if He were always really there listening to me, just waiting for me to make the first move, ready to meet me where I am, loving & caring to connect with me, and always glad to be with me.
As for my bold plea for "proof" from God, over that next month, there were too many "coincidences" for me to ignore, too many people who would speak directly into exactly what I was processing at the time, and too many times that the puzzle pieces seemed to fit together so perfectly -- I was overwhelmed with evidence, made tangible to me. For the remainder of our journey, despite all our ups & downs, my faith in Him grew as His foundation under me grew.
Now, there is a whole lot more to say about what happened and what's still happening in my journey of faith, but when someone asks for my story, I point back to our trip around the world and to this particular weekend as my initial transformation by the Spirit, my birth from above, and the beginning of my testimony of faith & my conscious walk with God.
*Special thanks to Heather for constantly "being there" for me and for respecting my relentless "processing". She is the very best friend anyone could ever ask for.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
affirmation
although it's a great source of connecting, networking & sharing information, i gave up facebook for lent. the reason: i felt that i was somehow looking for affirmation, identity, acceptance & belonging in it rather than in my Creator. i know i'm not alone in this... so this devotion is for those of you who can relate and who need affirmation.
this is Jesus Calling:
this is Jesus Calling:
STOP JUDGING AND EVALUATING YOURSELF, for this is not your role. Above all, stop comparing yourself with other people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority; sometimes, a mixture of both. I lead each of My children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong; it is also meaningless.
Don't look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is My unconditional Love. Many believers perceive Me as an unpleasable Judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in My garments of salvation. This how I see you: radiant in My robe of righteousness. When I discipline you, it is never in anger or disgust; it is to prepare you for face-to-Face fellowship with Me throughout all eternity. Immerse yourself in My loving Presence. Be receptive to My affirmation, which flows continually from the throne of grace.
Luke 6:37; John 3:16-17; Isaiah 61:10 (NASB); Proverbs 3:11-12
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
technology and faith
billy graham | video on TED.com
i love this man. so humble and so bold.
... see if you can find the hope in what he says here.
i love this man. so humble and so bold.
... see if you can find the hope in what he says here.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
all in the name
i cannot recall how many times my relationship with my name has evolved and/or transformed my life... for the good and the bad.
my most recent revelation is the fact that my birthday is the last day of winter (in the northern hemisphere, at least). so just when we feel like winter is never going to end, there's always hope because spring is just around the corner. ;)
what kind of relationship do you have with your name? consider its origin, its meaning, your parents' thoughts around naming you, how you feel about your name, if anyone shares your name, the stories of others, etc. i'm not talking about "the expression or destiny number" associated with your name -- that's too cookie-cutter & objective. i'm talking about your experience, your story, your adventure, your challenges, and your relationship with your name from birth.
my most recent revelation is the fact that my birthday is the last day of winter (in the northern hemisphere, at least). so just when we feel like winter is never going to end, there's always hope because spring is just around the corner. ;)
what kind of relationship do you have with your name? consider its origin, its meaning, your parents' thoughts around naming you, how you feel about your name, if anyone shares your name, the stories of others, etc. i'm not talking about "the expression or destiny number" associated with your name -- that's too cookie-cutter & objective. i'm talking about your experience, your story, your adventure, your challenges, and your relationship with your name from birth.
Monday, February 01, 2010
step by step
it's a process. taking baby steps. trusting in my Creator. under his way.
i've really been enjoying this great new daily devotional, and so i thought i'd share a little from it.
today's entry:
i've really been enjoying this great new daily devotional, and so i thought i'd share a little from it.
today's entry:
"Follow Me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways."
Psalm 18:29; Psalm 91:11-12 (AMP); 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NKJV)
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Journey of Desire
"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest." (Elderidge 185)
The wait is most certainly not over, but I'm content with the mystery of His plan & I'm excited to watch as His purpose for my life is unfolded layer by layer.
The wait is most certainly not over, but I'm content with the mystery of His plan & I'm excited to watch as His purpose for my life is unfolded layer by layer.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
let's unite!
For a year, my sister & I traveled in faith around the world, and God gave us the opportunity to fellowship with all kinds of communities of Christian Faith (including Andries Louw's!). What an amazing & enlightening experience.
[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]
Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.
Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.
God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.
So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?
How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!
Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.
Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.
[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]
Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.
Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.
God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.
So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?
How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!
Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.
Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.
[I wrote this as a response to
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
there is always hope!
the general discourse of many people in the world these days (no thanks to the US media) is seemingly hopeless. i say, there is always hope! it's been right in front of us all this time, and everything of this world prevents us from seeing it, believing it and experiencing it fully, wholy & simply...
i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).
i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!
check it out:
...
...
...
...
i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).
i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!
check it out:
...
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 NLT
...
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV
...
That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.
All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:18-27 The Message
...
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times. Lamentations 3:25-26 The Message
Thursday, March 05, 2009
a glimpse into Guatemala
These seven weeks flew by, and I feel like I barely got to “know” Guatemala. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written anything in a while. (The other part is that I haven’t had the time & space to sit down to write.) I tried to just take it all in – listening, learning, observing, and finding the words to describe it all. The longer I wait, though, the harder it is (especially now that I’m home finishing this post).
Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.
Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.
Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.
As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...
Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.
Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.
Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.
As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.
¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.
All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.
Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.
Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.
As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...
Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.
Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.
As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.
¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.
All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.
aquí estoy yo
Here I am. At the very end of my journey to Guatemala. Alive and, well, nearly as uncertain of my future as when I left. No surprise, really. I wasn’t expecting to figure it all out, but I hoped to pick up some more pieces of the puzzle at least. I definitely have a few more clues now, but I’m sure they won’t make sense or fall into place until later. I guess that’s the glorious gift of our ongoing creation and the wondrous mystery of how God weaves & unfolds it all.
In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.
Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.
Here I am.
In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.
Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.
Here I am.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
bendición profunda
What a “profound blessing” this journey has been... last week in particular. It’s like I finally woke up, started praising God for everything, felt His hope, and began to trust His plan. From the amazing host families to the teachers & other students at my language school, I have so much to be thankful for... So here I am, finally recognizing the light of “Esperanza” (Hope) that He’s give me.
Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.
In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.
Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)
Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...
Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.
Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.
Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.
Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.
In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)
Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...
Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.
Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.
Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.
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