Threshold

I just crossed the threshold of a transition into the unknown. Reflecting, giving thanks, and looking forward. Celebrating endings and beginnings. Taking a leap of faith and setting foot in a curious direction.

The Creator knows what’s up, and what’s awesome is that the Spirit knew that I needed to receive this blessing from a friend (unbeknownst to him) just a few days before my last day at work… So I’m taking these steps and embracing these words to guide me.

The gift of the labyrinth walk:

At the entrance, may you sense a renewed invitation to enter into an unknown corner of God’s kingdom. May you have the courage to accept this subtle calling you hear in your interior self.

As you follow the twists and turns of the labyrinth, may you have peace to handle the frustrations of life, clarity to remember you’re on the right path and tenacity to continue the journey,

In the center of the labyrinth, may you know exactly what you need to do: receive a dose of divine grace, or feel the warm embrace of love, or let go of unnecessary baggage.

As you walk back through the labyrinth and reach the exit, may you feel the renewal, experience the refreshment of purpose and offer a word of thanks for the experience.

And now slowly walk back into the world ready to be the human being that God has made you to be… that unique self that has so much to offer the world: love, compassion, kindness, goodness, gentleness, understanding and joy.

the beautiful sky

"At sunset look to the west and the waxing crescent Moon and the planet Venus will be within one degree of each other, being the two brightest objects in the evening sky."

what a beautiful site last night... and how amazing it would be if we all suspended our earthly possessions, attachments, assumptions, thoughts and emotions for a few peaceful moments... basking in the light of this distant cosmic dance: the crescent moon escorted by venus... in motion, alone, always changing, as they are, unaffected by others, and possibly unnoticed by most... much like how we are as organic beings. connected by the heavens.

finding peace

it's funny how quickly emotions can lead us astray. shortly after my previous post, i began to slowly spiral downward in anticipation of my departure... or, rather, as a reaction to this incredibly huge decision set before me: to leave or not to leave.

why was i wavering? for one thing, my sister & i haven't bought our RTW tickets, yet, but also i guess i was somehow waiting for a sign to confirm my decision either way...

an endless stream of life-altering questions flows through my mind. what am i doing? what could i be throwing away? is this the end or will it come full circle? would it be a mistake to stay or to go?

the only thing i have to hold on to is the faith that this feeling of devastation will pass and that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to... but there's no sense in hanging on to the unknown right now. i've only got this one precious life to live, and i'm taking a huge bold leap to claim it for myself... God willing.

"We had definitely committed ourselves
and were halfway out of our ruts.
We had put down our passage money
-- booked a sailing to Bombay.
This may sound too simple,
but is great in consequence.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),
there is one elementary truth
the ignorance of which kills
countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself,
providence moves too.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
raising in one's favor
all manner of unforeseen incidents,
meetings and material assistance
which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"

Excerpt from The Scottish Himalaya Expedition [1951]

silent meditations & sweet reflections

time stood still while on the 10-day vipassana retreat, and now it's flying by while visiting alaska again...

first, the retreat:
it was so amazing, fulfilling, transforming and intense (more than 10 years of counseling or therapy). that's what over 100 hours of sitting in silent meditation will do to someone that works patiently and persistently at this incredibly healing universal method... however, it's not for everyone. it takes a lot of self-determination and strong-will to complete the course, but it is well worth it. i highly recommend it.

so it's been about 3 weeks since the retreat, "Do i still feel a difference?" absolutely but the initial empowered feeling is fading a little. like any practice, it's really hard to maintain amidst our everyday realities, especially when our emotions, fears and wants get in the way... nevertheless, i definitely find myself letting go of things, not reacting as quickly, trying to change the patterns in my mind, and generally feeling happier... bottom line: it helps me put things in a much better perspective.

now, my visit to anchorage:
i have tried to do something everyday... whether it's cooking, yoga, church, the slush cup, frisbee golf, chipping the golf ball in the backyard, dinner with friends, movies, biking around the 'hood, riding the bus, salsa dancing lessons, hiking or cleaning, it's just nice to be here... although, sometimes i sense that my inevitable departure for NC and then around the world is difficult for me to swallow.

unconditional love

after a red-eye flight back to SF from AK and then a day-long trip cross-country to SC, i spent a week visiting my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and mom (who also came down for a visit from CT). it was like a mini-family-reunion. i loved it... it's amazing to have such a supportive family with unconditional love, open-arms, and generous, genuine care for one another, even if i'm down and out about something.

unfortunately, however, i've realized that i pretty much expect everyone else to be capable of the same sort of behavior. is that wrong to hope or assume about the world? i know that everyone is effected by different things and has had different experiences in life, but what would happen if everyone relinquished all fear and embraced genuine love for each other? what would the world be like? it almost doesn't seem possible to even imagine.

anyway, speaking of the world... our travel plans are coming along, but we need to get into high gear. my sister is doing some fundraising as well as some investigating into 'round-the-world plane tickets. i’m supposed to figure out all the other travel logistics, like visas, travel between countries, places to stay and website stuff... all very time consuming and easy to procrastinate on.

in fact, i'm dragging my feet a little because i've had some serious mixed emotions about the trip... the length of it (constantly on the road), the extreme self-awareness (for our safety), the fighting for rates on everything from cab fares to basic information, the anti-americanism everywhere, the sticking out like a sore thumb as 2 white american women with backpacks... and, to top it off, the sacrifice in leaving my beloved behind for so long. am i selfish to go and make him wait anyway? shouldn't i just have faith that everything will work out for the best? i'm trying to listen to my heart, maintain a balance with my mind, discern what's right, and let go and let God... that's one of the several reasons why i signed up for a 10-day vipassana retreat near yosemite: to clear my mind of all this mental chatter and to more clearly make the right decisions.

disconnected

so close but so far away. i've been so removed, so disconnected from the world lately. i guess that's the privilege i have. i don't really have to think about the world all the time... or do i (especially since i'm planning this world trip with my sister)?... yes. i need to get going and plug myself back into the world.

well, the problem i have at the moment is that i'm not feeling altogether myself these days... i'm feeling a little ill, i'm not clearheaded, and i'm homeless & unsettled. so you can see why a big part of me feels a little out of sorts... sad, isn't it?

i guess it's not so bad. it does feel good to begin a new era again... you know, sheding old stuff and renewing my independence... only last weekend, i moved out of my apartment of 2 1/2 years in San Francisco, and i'm slowly saying goodbye to people. you see, i'm continuing to travel & Second for my old job (for supplimental income), and i'm staying at my brother's place in between trips until the end of February or maybe March... who knows?

in the meantime, i'll keep myself busy with the Seconding on playground builds and with helping my brother Tony out on publicizing his new book (soon to be released in the Spring).

off the map

I know. I've fallen off the face of the planet, right? well, that's why I hate these damn personal internet pages; somehow, it's almost an expectation never to drop out and stop updating them. i mean, heaven forbid we all go back into the world of the living and start interacting with each other more in person... so why bother to keep this page up to date? I don't know. I guess I want to be able to look back at this blog someday and remember all the places I've been... that's what this page is coming to: a personal journal, a list of random life occurrences, a place to put myself out there in the hopes that my friends and family will want to check in to see how I'm doing, and a chance to (re)connect with people.

speaking of the real world, a lot has been going on in my life. i'm about to embark on a completely new journey and experience in life. i quit my job. i'm head over heals in love. i'm about to travel the world with my sister for about 6 months... and today is the first day of the rest of my life. God is good.

since I last wrote, I built playgrounds in Sacramento, Austin, Venice (IL) and Houston, I built an ice rink in Buffalo, and I spent some time in Western North Carolina with my siblings and friends there. I also spent Thanksgiving with a good friend in Springfield, MO, and then Christmas with my family in Wethersfield, CT.

then everything at work flipped upside down, and I decided to quit. I left on good terms though, and I still plan to do some externally contracted work for them... in the meantime, I'm leaving my home of 2 1/2 years in SF, having to get rid of almost everything I own, and preparing to essentially live out of my bags for a whole year... coach-surfing, seconding for my old emplorer, moving back to NC maybe, and traveling the world with my sister.

the world (my world) is in flux, but i have an unusual peace about how it's all going to work out. I've just got to let go and let God.

time flies

wow. i'm such a slacker when it comes to blogging. i've just been busy with other things, i guess... what? well, let me see.

right after my birthday, i went back to NC for a quick visit with family and friends (in Boone and Asheville) before heading to a staff retreat in Lewisburg, PA (at Playworld Systems, Inc). my trip home was great, especially seeing my adorable baby niece...

the week after that, though, was only okay. i wasn't fully present at our staff retreat because i was too distracted by my past trials and my current ambiguity within the organization... suffice it to say that i went through an emotional rollercoaster last winter and then i was mandated a break from what i was hired to do -- manage projects. after that i began questioning my role and my ability to stay with the organization... since this last mental/emotional relapse, i've had other work-related problems: my computer died 2 wks ago and i've been completely distracted by trying to set up a new system... the whole ordeal has helped me put things into perspective, though. in the end, none of this really matters. so what if i've lost 13 GB of music, 30+ hours worth of work, and 2 years worth of old emails, email addresses and pictures. it's not the end of the world, right?

well anyway, besides all those major distractions, i've had the pleasure of doing Pilates with Hahva Neff, traveling to the Mississippi gulf coast and to the Florida west coast to build playgrounds, hosting Corey Belt for a few days in SF, seeing some free bluegrass at Amnesia, and... i can't remember what else. this week, i'm throwing a housewarming party for my 2 new roommates (Eileen and David), going to the How Weird Street Festival in SF, and traveling to St. Louis, MO, to build a playground.

raw

over the past week or so, my heart has been as raw as my severely sprained ankle is raw, and i've been on a rollercoaster of emotion... i'm on the up-swing, for sure, but it's been a challenge, especially after 4.5 weeks on crutches. i'm tired and frustrated that i can't really get around. i can't wait to be able to bike, to go out, to go grocery shopping, to see music, to go on adventures, to travel, to build playgrounds, and to be free to do what i need to on my own... it's crazy what we -- the temporarily-abled -- take for granted, and it's even more crazy to see what other folks are really made of... as in, to see whether or not random people have any compassion, sensitivity, selflessness or heart in them to help a sister out in a time of need... would you believe that a co-worker, that you think you know & trust as a potential friend, would selfishly (and rather consciously) not choose to give you a ride to work when you really needed it?! (otherwise it would take you an hour and a half, over 2 bus rides, a train ride and a cab ride (each way), and cost you about $15 more than usual to commute to work.) man, that threw me off for a whole week. now, i can hardly look at her, let alone have to communicate and work with her... this holiday break couldn't have come at a better time. i need space and time to heal every dimension of my being... western north carolina, here i come.

on the rise

at the turning point
out of the valley, manure, emptiness and nothingness
on the rise
seeking the light

familial visits
familar calls
familarizing places
finding my place again

spirts of production and daydreaming
imagining the world around and within me
how everything fits together
or how it may pass to be

connecting
reconnecting
continuing on
in life
from the past and
the not yet to come

--------------------------------------
mom's visit for the weekend
walking around under the sun and against the wind
getting to know my neighbors and hood during carnaval
kiff gallagher (and maktub) at the independent
east bay taco trucks
dessert with rhea, joel, tony, mardie and mom
art opening at the co-op near my place
brunch with rhea, jen, whitney, tony, mardie, mom, tom, mason and robin
the parade and festival of people, colors and music
grace cathedral evening service
martini's with joel and rhea
elbo room for dub and new acquaintances
breakfast at st. francis
the airport
now a coffee shop
on to... who knows where

just moved in

Things have been really crazy lately. I definitely hit the ground running with this job... It's all good, though... It's nice to be outside a lot and to work hard, but it's very challenging to learn all the ropes and to deal with all the traveling (planned as well as spontaneous). For example, over the past month, I've only spent about 10 days at home in San Francisco. (I JUST moved into my new place, and I'm still living out of boxes!) Crazy, huh? If you're wondering where I've been, check out the list to the right... More to write later.

work begins

this is an email that i wrote to friends and family last thursday and that i thought should be shared with the world:

Subject : KaBOOM!

hello all!
apologies for the mass email, but i don't (and probably will never) have time to write you all individually about everything that's happening with me... so here it is.

the transition in SF, welllll... i only had 4 days there before coming back east (to DC) for training and a playgroud build. in my short time there, i visited some towns on the peninsula, met up with a couple friends of friends, and found a place to live (near where my brother lives)! it gave me a brief feel for the whirlwind that i'm just now entering with the new job... craziness.

the transition into my new job has been great, but my brain is beginning to overload a wee bit. the good news is I LOVE IT! and everything about it kicks butt! (except for the massive amount of anticipated conference calls and such). this week as been crazy: M-W & F have been training (i.e. learning all about the matrix of KaBOOM!) and today was a giant playground build b/w a public housing neighborhood and an elementary school in DC (300 volunteers from KaBOOM!, AmeriCorps NCCC, DC Housing Authority, Home Depot, and National Capitial Police Dept.)... so, yeah, i'm pooped (and sun-burnt). the trainings have been awesome, fun, interesting, engaging, and not really all that boring... not to mention, their office space here is so much fun!! it's huge (about 1,000 sq. ft. or something). it's painted all purple, orange, yellow, and white. the ceilings are high, unfinished and painted white. they've used some industrial venting (?) to divide some office spaces, while other spaces are roomed off. the main conference room is duely named the "garage" for its garage door partition. the kitchen is in the center and has B&W speckled cabinets, a nice metallic refrig. and dishwasher, and a big orange, oval counter top table in the middle. it's so much fun to come to! AND everyone is so awesome! unfortunately, i won't be in this office on a regular basis. in fact, i will only get to come here about 2 times a year. :( sad for me... maybe i should have picked DC to come to. oh well... SF will be AWESOME too! because I'LL be there! anyway, i'm MUST go shower and rest before we go out to eat. i'll write more when i can.

love, hope

http://www.kaboom.org

p.s. no cell, yet, but i'll send you contact info soon!

inspired to return

I know, it's been an eternity since I've blogged, but I'm still here... and I hope to get back into the circuit again. In the meantime, check out my loving friend Ashley's blog. She is an amazing woman with an amazing talent for creative and inspirational blogging.