bendición profunda

What a “profound blessing” this journey has been... last week in particular. It’s like I finally woke up, started praising God for everything, felt His hope, and began to trust His plan. From the amazing host families to the teachers & other students at my language school, I have so much to be thankful for... So here I am, finally recognizing the light of “Esperanza” (Hope) that He’s give me.

Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.

In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.

Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)

Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...


Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.

Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.

Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.

expectations

I try not to have any expectations so I'm never disappointed in anything, but sometimes I do & I am. The challenge is to find contentment and to praise God regardless of the circumstances.

Well, here I am... still waiting, hoping, expecting God to open doors, heal me, move me, strength me to take more steps forward, and/or change my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I'm also praying fervently, trying to put the word out there, and attempting to connect with people... It's just it would have been so much easier to take the tourist track or to join a missions tour or something.

Waiting, hoping, expecting... “esperando.” Just one word for such an intense process: esperar.

Since my last post, I left Guatemala City, took a “first class” bus (rather than a second class “chicken bus”) to Quetzaltenango (Xela), settled in with my new God-sent host family (incidentally in a little outlying town called “La Esperanza”) , and started “school” with a Spanish tutor at Utatlan in downtown Xela. Really, I have no complaints, but for some reason, I´m struggling to find contentment & “esperanza” in my path. How do I truly “esperar” for God? How can I rest in His hands -- when I struggle trusting His plan? when I don´t even know what His plan is? when can´t figure out what He wants me to do? when I can´t make any decisions for myself? when I´m so focused on my own issues? when I can´t let go of my own selfish desires? when I expect too much & don´t get any response?

Waiting, hoping, expecting… todavía esperando.

The problem is that I want things to work out for myself, not necessarily just for God’s glory. That’s not to say that there´s always a complete difference, but a lot of times, there is. For example, my current host family here planned to go hiking up a volcano & camping this weekend, but at the very last minute, it was cancelled due to a death in their church (7th Day Adventist). I understood & totally respected the fact that they needed to grieve together as a Body of believers, but I have to admit, I was selfishly a little disappointed. I had really hoped & nearly expected that this was finally a breakthrough in this season of “esperando”, but apparently, I have some more waiting to do… and definitely a whole lot more learning to do in order to rest & find contentment in His hands.

I thank God nothing bad has happened to me, but for quite some time, I was virtually stunned & nearly paralyzed by the heavy cloud of fear that threatens to contaminate the entire subcontinent (due to the increase in violent crime, the infiltrating drug cartel, the corruption in the government, the underpaid police force, and so much more than meets the eye... not to mention many people´s valid yet persistent guardedness & paranoia about the crime).

Everyone has a story about how crime has affected them. For example, just last week, my family´s cousin was assaulted, robbed of $200,000, and kidnapped from his own place of business. They still don´t know where he is, and the only thing they can do is pray & negotiate with the kidnappers. Please pray for a miracle.

Fortunately, not everyone is paralyzed by this dark cloud. In fact, Guatemala is a beautiful country full of the nicest people, but unfortunately, many of them are too intimidated to stand up against or even report the corruption that takes place. I don´t blame them, though; the Enemy is embedded in the social system & overwhelmingly strong among the people here. In fact, according to a local missionary here, the corruption is even seeping into the Church. If the people can´t even turn to the Church for help, where else can they turn?

I also thank God for my two blessed host families (in Guatemala City and here in Xela), and I know that He prepared a small place for me among them, even just for short time... However, since their houses are a bit far from the city centers, I´ve felt a little isolated from the hub of the culture. In Guatemala City, I couldn´t come or go on my own at all, because it was too dangerous, too far away from everything, & initially too difficult to get around on my own. In Xela, I could finally come & go on my own, but I´d have to leave the city center by 5:30 at the latest to catch the bus home (30-45 minutes in transit), thus missing out on some of the activities at the school or with the other students… Granted, I know I´m not here to hang out with other travelers, but I´d selfishly like to get to know the city some more & take a little more advantage being here. Plus, Heather & I learned last year that “being” among other travelers is a form of ministry in and of itself... Regardless, I definitely sense that it´s time to move out of my current host family, simply because there isn´t really enough room for me. (The 5 of them are humbly & graciously sharing a room so I can have my own room.)

So what should I do? Logically, I should move closer to town & maybe even stay with a random host family that the school can set up for me. However, nothing is quite that simple for me. In fact, I may have made it even harder on myself by asking for help from a local missionary here. Maybe not, though. We´ll see after today. The bottom line is that I wasn´t sure what to do or where to go, so I couldn´t commit to a host family from the school. Nevertheless, I asked the local missionary for help in finding a host family and/or an opportunity to serve for the rest of the time I´m in Xela. She got back to me with news of a new host family (still a little ways from downtown & still $35/week like all the other home-stays), but nothing about serving anywhere. I was extremely grateful to connect with her, but I was still a little confused about what to do, where to go, & why I haven´t “plugged in” anywhere, yet. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer & a number of decent secular programs doing great things in the community, so why haven´t I jumped in anywhere? I don´t know. I either haven´t been available (due to my Spanish tutoring schedule or my home-stay locale), I´m not here long enough to commit the required amount of time for volunteers, or I haven´t felt the call or pull towards any of them, yet. Then again, this may only be an introduction, a chance for God to plant some seeds in my life & in the lives of those I encounter. His purpose is far greater than I can imagine, so maybe I´m just here to learn to be content in Him… as much as I want to see, do, go & be somewhere else.

In the meantime, I´m trying to breathe deep, wait patiently, praise God in all circumstances, look for the positive, be thankful for the opportunities I'm given, focus on & pray for His will, “be” Christ with those around me, spend time in the Word, listen to the whisper of the Spirit, and forget about myself.

changes and nieu beginnings

there’s nothing like a couple weeks of intense spiritual reflection — (re)ignited by emotional distress, broken by mental anguish, delayed by stubborn individualism, plagued by doubt, and then freed by love and confirmed by grace — to stun the soul and create writer’s block… thank God for Heather and her ability to continue capturing the story of our trip and of the amazing people that we’ve met along the way, because i’ve been busy trying to think through, understand, accept, trust and believe how everything fits together into this Process and precious gift called my life.

in fact, i knew this trip would be a journey of a lifetime, but i didn’t know how, where, when or why it would take me... i still don’t know completely, but that’s really what life is about —
a discovery of purpose and truth.

here are only a few elements of my recent journey and discovery:

• it takes a delicate balance to go on a journey like this with someone else, but Heather and I make a great team: accompanying each other on this adventure; caring for each other when sick; taking turns doing the wash, cleaning up, preparing food, carrying the day pack and explaining our trip to others; knowing each other’s strengths & weaknesses; lending each other an open ear and/or open arms when in need; and loving each other unconditionally and patiently… fortunately, as sisters and as each other’s best friend, we already know each other’s needs, desires, fears, habits and abilities, so it makes it easier to support each other in the ways that we need it most.

• nothing is in my control and nothing can be planned out the way i'd want it to be (as a logistical, organized, analytical project-manager type)... that's the nature of our trip, though. we don't know our every step; we only know one step at a time... and that's the way God designed it — to learn how to let go and have faith in the divine scheme of things... in others, in the circumstances, in the travel logistics, in the plan for where we're going & who we're meeting, in my past, in my present and in my future.

• life, love and growing in faith is about relationships, not about religion, doctrine, history or what society demands. i never want to stop learning this, but more recently, i've thought about it in conversation with folks at Tshwane Leadership Foundation (Pretoria), at Nieu Communities South Africa (at Pangani and in Soshanguve, near Pretoria), from 13th Floor (Pretoria), from Kids Games, at Walk in the Light (Haniville township, outside Pietermartizburg), at Africa Enterprise (innercity Pietermartizburg) and with Isinkwa Setheku (an innercity ministry to Durban's homeless)... and even in reflection from learning about David Heimann's pilgrimage for the Catholic church (even though we just barely missed him at Pangani).

can you see why i might feel overwhelmed? this has been a rollercoaster of a trip — physically and spiritually.

working on the floors

most of last week i spent time up at my brother's place in banner elk and helped him take out their carpet and replace it with this flooring... it was brutal on my hands and knees, but it looked so good by the end.

unconditional love

after a red-eye flight back to SF from AK and then a day-long trip cross-country to SC, i spent a week visiting my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and mom (who also came down for a visit from CT). it was like a mini-family-reunion. i loved it... it's amazing to have such a supportive family with unconditional love, open-arms, and generous, genuine care for one another, even if i'm down and out about something.

unfortunately, however, i've realized that i pretty much expect everyone else to be capable of the same sort of behavior. is that wrong to hope or assume about the world? i know that everyone is effected by different things and has had different experiences in life, but what would happen if everyone relinquished all fear and embraced genuine love for each other? what would the world be like? it almost doesn't seem possible to even imagine.

anyway, speaking of the world... our travel plans are coming along, but we need to get into high gear. my sister is doing some fundraising as well as some investigating into 'round-the-world plane tickets. i’m supposed to figure out all the other travel logistics, like visas, travel between countries, places to stay and website stuff... all very time consuming and easy to procrastinate on.

in fact, i'm dragging my feet a little because i've had some serious mixed emotions about the trip... the length of it (constantly on the road), the extreme self-awareness (for our safety), the fighting for rates on everything from cab fares to basic information, the anti-americanism everywhere, the sticking out like a sore thumb as 2 white american women with backpacks... and, to top it off, the sacrifice in leaving my beloved behind for so long. am i selfish to go and make him wait anyway? shouldn't i just have faith that everything will work out for the best? i'm trying to listen to my heart, maintain a balance with my mind, discern what's right, and let go and let God... that's one of the several reasons why i signed up for a 10-day vipassana retreat near yosemite: to clear my mind of all this mental chatter and to more clearly make the right decisions.

disconnected

so close but so far away. i've been so removed, so disconnected from the world lately. i guess that's the privilege i have. i don't really have to think about the world all the time... or do i (especially since i'm planning this world trip with my sister)?... yes. i need to get going and plug myself back into the world.

well, the problem i have at the moment is that i'm not feeling altogether myself these days... i'm feeling a little ill, i'm not clearheaded, and i'm homeless & unsettled. so you can see why a big part of me feels a little out of sorts... sad, isn't it?

i guess it's not so bad. it does feel good to begin a new era again... you know, sheding old stuff and renewing my independence... only last weekend, i moved out of my apartment of 2 1/2 years in San Francisco, and i'm slowly saying goodbye to people. you see, i'm continuing to travel & Second for my old job (for supplimental income), and i'm staying at my brother's place in between trips until the end of February or maybe March... who knows?

in the meantime, i'll keep myself busy with the Seconding on playground builds and with helping my brother Tony out on publicizing his new book (soon to be released in the Spring).

fun in the sun

man, it's been a while... i've been working hard and hardly working... at least enough to be too distracted to write about it.

since my trip to memphis back in early june, i've...

- hung out at Ocean Beach with good friends, like Kirsten!

- worked some long, hard hours for a playground/skatepark build in North Chicago.

- lead a Design Day meeting to kick off the start of a project that I also lead the outreach for (in Green Bay, WI).

- spent some quality time with my immediate family and some other extended Deifell relatives at Topsail Beach, NC.

- lead another Design Day meeting for the beginning of a playground project in Vancouver, BC, and spent some time touring the city a bit with my friend, Bryan Wilson. (It was so awesome to be introduced to such a great place by an old friend.)

what do NC, MI and TN have in common?

they've all recently seen the likes of Hope Deifell (aka, The Hope Deifell (THD), H2D (Hope Holliday Deifell), Ms. High Definition, Hope-alicious or Hoperino).

just before memorial day weekend, I Seconded for another project manager's playground build in Charlotte, NC. then, my old friend Felica came through (from Durham) to pick me up on her way up to camp in the Western North Carolina mountains. we hadn't seen each other in 2 years, so it was really awesome to reconnect and catch up with her.

while up in black mountain and asheville, i hung out with my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and several friends. we went to the Asheville Tourist's thirsty-Thursday baseball game. we hosted a clothes-swap with 17 women & clothes from 21 women, we went to a wedding, and we hosted a 6-hour-long cook-out up at our mountain house. it was an awesome long memorial weekend, and it was so great to be with so many friends and family!




then Felica dropped me back off at the CLT airport, and I flew back to SF for only 2 nights before heading to Flint, MI, for a playground Design Day meeting... finally, i have a new project, but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing... suffice it to say, I'm excited about working in Flint, but I still don't feel good about being left out of the game for so long.

after my short trip to Flint, I came back to SF for what ended up being an amazing weekend with my Alaskan friend named Ra... then, just last week, I Seconded for another project manager's playground build just outside of Memphis, TN. the weather was great, i got my sweet-tea fix, i drove by Graceland & through downtown Memphis, and the playground build went really well... but I suffered from a cold and a urinary tract infection all week. once I finally got home to SF, I went to the UCSF urgent care clinic to get a prescription for antibiotics... now, i'm much better but my back still hurts a bit. regardless, i have to go into work tomorrow... ughh. monday

time flies

wow. i'm such a slacker when it comes to blogging. i've just been busy with other things, i guess... what? well, let me see.

right after my birthday, i went back to NC for a quick visit with family and friends (in Boone and Asheville) before heading to a staff retreat in Lewisburg, PA (at Playworld Systems, Inc). my trip home was great, especially seeing my adorable baby niece...

the week after that, though, was only okay. i wasn't fully present at our staff retreat because i was too distracted by my past trials and my current ambiguity within the organization... suffice it to say that i went through an emotional rollercoaster last winter and then i was mandated a break from what i was hired to do -- manage projects. after that i began questioning my role and my ability to stay with the organization... since this last mental/emotional relapse, i've had other work-related problems: my computer died 2 wks ago and i've been completely distracted by trying to set up a new system... the whole ordeal has helped me put things into perspective, though. in the end, none of this really matters. so what if i've lost 13 GB of music, 30+ hours worth of work, and 2 years worth of old emails, email addresses and pictures. it's not the end of the world, right?

well anyway, besides all those major distractions, i've had the pleasure of doing Pilates with Hahva Neff, traveling to the Mississippi gulf coast and to the Florida west coast to build playgrounds, hosting Corey Belt for a few days in SF, seeing some free bluegrass at Amnesia, and... i can't remember what else. this week, i'm throwing a housewarming party for my 2 new roommates (Eileen and David), going to the How Weird Street Festival in SF, and traveling to St. Louis, MO, to build a playground.

been a while

... since i've had time and stillness to write 'bout myself online. it's not that i'm too busy; it's just that i'm usually too distracted. there's so much happening for me to stop and tell about it all. (not that i have to, but) i want to describe everything i've seen, done and heard, but i also want to be relatively quick about it. so, just to save the time, i'll attempt a somewhat brief list of everything since i last wrote something of substance... plus, i want to catch up so i can start keeping better track of all my random and wonderful life experiences.

okay, let's see...

-after a little stop in western NC to see my fam & friends for july 4th, i lead a playground build project in buffalo, ny. this build was the first time i TRUEly felt really awesome about the work i do for community groups. it was a real, grass-roots build done without the support of any umbrella organization. our community partner was a struggling neighborhood association that merely recognized how desperately they needed a safe playground for their kids. it was very challenging yet rewarding project... also, while up there, my second and i got to visit niagara falls for the first time ever! july 5-9

jen and i at niagara falls, canada

-i helped (or seconded) another project manager's playground build in minneapolis. july 11-14

-i stayed over a day in minneapolis to lead a design day meeting for a new project there (to be built in 2 months time). july 15

-i got handed off another project, and i traveled to lead a design day meeting for a build (to happen take place 2 months later) in chicago. july 18-19

-i lead a playground build in wasilla, ALASKA!, and my second & I had an incredible time sightseeing, fishing & flying in south-central Alaska. july 22-31

wet on build day in wasilla

whitney & i on a glacier lake

watch out, whitney's flyin'

the glacier lake we landed on

fishin' in AK

caught

-i finally took a day off to run errands and enjoyed some of downtown san francisco (like the ferry building, City Car Share, Museum of Modern Art, shopping). august 2

-i lead another design day meeting for a new playground project (to be built 2 months later) in detroit. august 15-16

[recap: i had 3 projects on my plate, and i just finished 2 of my own projects.]

-mardie oakes and my brother, tony deifell, (aka MoTo) got married at the Headlands Center for the Arts in Marin County, CA. the wedding camp weekend* was extraordinary in so many ways, including a house concert with The Weepies, a taco truck for the rehearsal dinner, kite flying, massage, a beautiful wedding ceremony, vintage wear, home-style dinner, an interactive reception, a really cute photographer that they hired, a Polaroid guest book, a make-your-own-cupcake wedding cake, a surprize roller-disco party with black-lights and booze, and a pristine location with so many amazing family and friends. august 18-21
*this special event and time with family is the first of a series of recent random fun moments that have reminded me how much i love living in SF.

mother and son

mom & dad dancing, as always

on the way to the surprise wedding roller-disco

-i traveled to miami to second for another project manager's attempted* playground build in miami. august 22-24
*this build was cancelled due to threats of hurricane katrina, which grazed fort lauderdale the night before the day we would have lead the build.

-i flew back to SF (& to where my sister heather had been hanging out on her own after our brother's wedding the weekend before)... and immediately started packing for Burning Man. august 25-28

-i planned, organized and managed a community of 21 burners in camp wdydwyd?. august 29-september 5
*our event: to take portraits of folks answering the question, why do you do what you do?, and a 4x8 live-painting project, open to any passers-by
*our location this year: ego x 7:20
*our members' origins: san francisco, los angeles, asheville, durham, atlanta, new york -> all of which made for a really awesome intentional community of people
*my highlights: all the diversity of EXTREME and AMAZING art there, an INCREDIBLE time with my sister heather, the freedom, my borrowed beach cruiser, the expanse of black rock city this year, and our portrait project... among SO much else.

siblings

siblings & the man

the last crew to leave our plot of BRC land

[recap: i've just returned from a whirlwind of wedding events, work travel, and a week of Burning Man paradise... but i still have those same 3 projects on my plate... yet, i love it all and i especially love living in SF.]

-i just got handed off another playground project, and i went to lead a design day meeting for a build (to be done in 2 months time) in dallas. while there, i stayed with my cousin louise and her husband justin. september 7-8

-i helped pack our office to move up to san mateo from redwood city, ca... and later, that next weekend, i go to the Power to the Peaceful festival (w/ Michael Franti) in golden gate park with my friend kirsten. september 10

-i lead my build (and closed the project) in south chicago. september 12-16

chicago kick-off

-i returned to our new office space and enjoyed it (& being home in SF) for a whole week. my boss (the director of project management) and our administrative assistant (Laura) fly out from DC to help settle us in, and thanks to their help, it looks great! well, laura had never spent any time in SF, so i showed her around town, we had sushi at Central Station (mission x 17-18), we ended up in north beach, and we drove to work the next morning together. september 19-21

-i got all dressed up in my brown-n-black zebra, fly-girl outfit, and i went down to the SF civic center plaza to dance, people-watch and enjoy the 2nd annual Love Parade (originating in Berlin after the wall fell.) i love SF. september 24

photo shoot after love parade (w/ borrowed tina turner wig)

-i lead my own playground build (and closed the project) in minneapolis. september 25-29

wet on build day

-i came back to a weekend full of bluegrass in golden gate park with my friends, whitney (from work) and kirsten (from corey). we heard gillian welch, tony rice & peter rowan, dolly parton, doc watson, earl scruggs, steve earle, the be good tanyas, emmylou harris, stiff dead cat, and guy clark. september 30-october 1

-finally, i'm home for a bit... AND i lead my own design day for a new playground project (to be built 2 months later) HERE -- in san francisco! october 6

design day meeting in SF

-today, mardie & i went over to their friend jim's place to watch the blue angel's fleet-week show over the bay. (it was such a beautiful and perfect san francisco day, too.) then, we went out to dinner with mardie's friends richard and jen to betelnut (on union st). finally, after tony finally got home from a 9-day business trip, i left MoTo to very randomly (and independently) stop by an art opening event at the Galeria de la Raza. i admired the art, had a couple drinks and went on my way back home again... ah, i love san francisco.

now, coming soon:
-Burning Man decompression parties in SF (tomorrow) and LA (next weekend)
-filming dinner party at MoTo's on monday.(there's a film with will smith (The Pursuit of Happiness) being filmed right outside mardie & tony's, oct 9-13.)
-my playground build in detroit (oct. 17-21)
-my playground build (with eye-candy as my second for the week) in dallas (oct. 24-28)
-halloween and day of the dead in san francisco
-seconding for another project manager's playground build in southern new mexico (Nov. 14-18)
-home (nc? or ct?) for thanksgiving
...

on the rise

at the turning point
out of the valley, manure, emptiness and nothingness
on the rise
seeking the light

familial visits
familar calls
familarizing places
finding my place again

spirts of production and daydreaming
imagining the world around and within me
how everything fits together
or how it may pass to be

connecting
reconnecting
continuing on
in life
from the past and
the not yet to come

--------------------------------------
mom's visit for the weekend
walking around under the sun and against the wind
getting to know my neighbors and hood during carnaval
kiff gallagher (and maktub) at the independent
east bay taco trucks
dessert with rhea, joel, tony, mardie and mom
art opening at the co-op near my place
brunch with rhea, jen, whitney, tony, mardie, mom, tom, mason and robin
the parade and festival of people, colors and music
grace cathedral evening service
martini's with joel and rhea
elbo room for dub and new acquaintances
breakfast at st. francis
the airport
now a coffee shop
on to... who knows where

back to the grind

okay. (if anybody's out there) i may be little late on the uptake, but nearly 2 weeks into the new year, and i'm starting out just great. no really. things are going relatively well for me. (relatively as in relative to what life has offered me thus far... not relative to the rest of the world b/c i can't even imagine going there... it's unfathomable.)

i returned home to SF on the 3rd from my home in the mountains of north carolina. being with the fam was great, but a little hectic and a little stressful. with that many loved ones around, everyone wants to know everyone else's business, so there's very little privacy most of the time. regardless, it was nice to rest and be thankful for family, food and... new life. yes! there will soon be a new Deifell among us -- the first of the next generation! child of my brother David and his wife Elizabeth! it's so exciting!... and yet i'm so far away. :(

nevertheless, it was nice to return west and to call this place home too. i'm settling in again... but not for long b/c soon the travel for work will pick up again. i leave for a day trip to Pahrump, NV, (65 miles west of Las Vegas) tomorrow to begin another playground project there with the Salvation Army. next week i go to Columbia, MD, to take a course and a test in playground safety in order to become a certified playground installer. the following week we have our staff retreat in Hershey, PA... to know more about where i am and when, see my itinerary list to the right.

other trivia about the life of hope-alicious:
-"hope-alicious" replaced "hoperino" at Burning Man 2004
-bought my tix to BM 2005 (and i can't wait!)
-got a new jacket & pants for biking to work during the cold, rainy season here
-eating healthier: little to no sugar, more greens, more balance, etc.
-tried out an indoor rock-climbing gym near my house (as a guest of my roommate)
-skipped my yoga class tonight b/c i'm poor now (after the holidays and BM tix)
-attending Spirit Rock mediation center this saturday for an all day meditation retreat... more on that to come.

holidaze

i don't know what it is, but writing has just become a chore lately. i have so much to say, but not the voice for it on paper. i haven't been particularly busy lately, just distracted. now so much has happened that i don't know where to begin...

today my entire immediate family, et al, celebrated christmas--opening presents, one by one, around a freshly-picked, minimally-decorated tree from the High Country (Boone, NC). we're all together this holiday season in our mountain house in Black Mountain, NC. being together and in the mountains is a divine experience. it so rare that we can (1) gather together like this (2) in a place we all consider "home." i love it. it's fun to share stories, laughter, pictures, lessons, gifts, food and good times with them... i am blessed to be a part of this family.

more stories later... for now it's just nice free from work this week.

life's fullness

So much to say, so little time and energy to be spent on updates. I spend quite a bit of time on the computer, on conference calls, in the plane and out on playground build sites, and I sometimes forget that there is more to life that work.

Burning Man was a good reminder of Life's fullness! It was incredible out there. The sun, the wind, the high-pressure days and nights, the pocket of desert surrounded my beautiful mountains... The diversity of artistic expression spralled out in an organized fashion across a pre-historic lake bed. By day and by night, the playa's culture and ambiance would never cease to amaze me... the art installations, the art cars, the costumes, the music, the theatre, the dance, the theme-camps... the love, the openess, the positive sexual energy, the freedom... After just a few days, I felt more at home and settled than I've felt in a long time. It was liberating and inspirational.

Our theme camp was "WDYDWYD?" It means whatever you think it means, but we used the definition "why do you do what you do?" for our camp's "event." Basically, we took (and gave out) b&w polaroid portraits of people who would hold up their answer to the question on a piece of paper in front of them... soon, everything will be up online.

After Burning Man, I dove right back into work and began traveling all over again... visiting our playground manufacturer (the one KaBOOM! buys from exclusively), building a playground in Ottawa, Ontario, leading a Design Day in Tulsa, OK... Next week I go to Pittsburgh, PA, to lead my first build. That means that this project is mine, from start to finish. I'm the one that helps the community organize the entire thing, and I'm the one that will be running the show on Friday, Oct. 1... Yep, the playground is built all in one day! 200+ volunteers show up at 8 in the morning, and the playground is built in less than 8 hours! It's a great event because the community comes together with their funding partner in the project, and they produce an incredible child-designed public playspace in no time! (The planning process takes about 2 months--beginning with a Design Day with the kids and the adults of the community.) So, that's my job in a nut shell... or rather, that is the tip of the iceburg, so to speak. More to come later, I'm sure.

Lastly, my sister Heather came for a visit this last week. It was so great to spend time with her, especially because we're perfect partners in crime but also because we're such close friends. We had a great time out and about, exploring the city and meeting new people. I hope to find the time and energy to continue that on my own.

semester in Brazil: phase two

Once again, it’s taken me forever to get this together... or, rather, it’s been forever since I’ve been able to sit down at a computer and summarize everything… And, in order to keep this brief, I might just list sights, sounds, feelings and places, with or without explanation.

First a synopsis of the synopsis:
The past 2 ½ weeks have been jam-packed full of interesting occurrences, visits, travels, colors, music, people, and lessons… We traveled to the coast of Bahia (a state between Fortaleza and Rio de Janeiro), visited the historical town of Cachoeira for 4 days, and then went to Salvador… Basically, we hung out in Salvador, getting to know the city, its people, the sites, some of the culture and history, etc., as a group for 10 days, and then everyone went on their own to do independent field research projects. Ten of us (incl. me) stayed in Bahia to do our research.
The focus of my research will be the voices and life experiences of 5 young Afro-Brazilian women activists/“militantes” (at CEAFRO, a center of education and citizen development for African-oriented peoples). I want to investigate why they became activists, what and who inspires/influences/drives them to be activists, what obstacles they face(d), and how these compelling voices can empower other young Afro-Brazilian women to take action amid the Brazil’s myth of racial democracy and overt gender placement… Right now, this project is really scary because I have very little guidance, no theoretical framework, and no clue as to how to ask the right questions or do what I’m supposed to do (let alone how to bring it altogether)!… So, that’s what I’m up to, from now until December 6… but now let me attempt to paint for you a picture of the past few weeks.

Bahia: Cachoeira
Bright, solid colors in various shades—yellow, red, blue, beige, white—painted on store and house fronts with Colonial/Portuguese architecture: little metal-caged veranda windows and tall wooden front doors. Cobble-stone streets, churches every 200 yards… Population = 56,000 and 95-99% African descent… Mouth of a river; entrance to the interior. 6 hours by boat or 2 hours by bus (we did both) across the bay from Salvador. A historical port where most African slaves forcefully came before being bought and sold by fazenda (or plantation) owners… Three hundred years after Brazil’s “discovery” (1500), many Africans living in Cachoeira began to organize and lead slave revolts in Salvador. Still today Cachoeira is considered an important center of African heritage and spring for collective action.

Cachoeira is also known for its spiritual richness in Candomblé (an African-based religious tradition) and Catholic syncretism. For example, many Africans practiced their rituals and religious ceremonies behind the façade of Catholicism, bowing down to white saints but worshipping their African deities, in order to protect their spirituality and cultural well-being. On the other hand, many African women managed to pass their true African religious traditions down through the generations and preserve them in their terreiros (or Candomblé worship spaces). We visited two in Cachoeira and one in Salvador. There, fringed white tissue paper hangs from the ceiling, and dried palm frons decorate the corners of the room and the line the doors and windows of the room, and members wear beaded jewelry, white dresses and head wraps… Truthfully, there is no way I can capture everything about this complex religious tradition, its people, its influence on and cultural importance for Afro-Brazilians, or its spiritual exchange… So, I’ll just leave it at that.

Lastly, while in Cachoeira, we stayed in the house of the Sisterhood of Our Lady of Good Death (a well-known example of Catholic syncretism), ate (very well) there, and held our “lectures” there… Even though we didn’t get to meet any of the sisters or witness any of their ceremonies, we enjoyed our time there and, by the time we left, felt like we knew them. Basically, the Sisterhood of Good Death is composed of around 30 older Afro-Brazilian women (average age, 70) who are Candomblé members that worship the death and ascendance of the Virgin Mary… It’s a lot more complex than that, but that’s the best summary I can come up with.

Bahia: Salvador
After 4 days in Cachoeira, we went on a 6-hour boat ride, east, across the bay to the state’s capital, Salvador—the most visited (most exploited) city by tourists in Brazil… at least that’s what I’ve been told and what seems apparent. Regardless, I must confess that tourists have every reason to come. Salvador is beautiful, and its people are generally very friendly, animated, and positive. Like Cachoeira, Salvador’s historic cobble-stone streets are lined with brightly colored Colonial architecture. The whole city doesn’t enjoy this aesthetic richness however. The rest of the city reflects a truer Brazilian reality—poorer infrastructure, lack of finances, absence of institutional support, evidence of survival, diversity of wealth,… You get the picture, no?

During these 10 days together as a group in Salvador, we basically did the following:
-Rented an apartment and hung out a bunch in the Barra neighborhood;
-Enjoyed our most interesting lectures of the semester at CEAFRO (African dance, socio-economic issues of black women, religious intolerance, health, gender and race/ethnicity, the anthropology of solidarity, etc.);
-Attended a public religious ceremony at a well-known Candomblé house—Ilê Axé Opô Afonjá;
-Got to know the historical district, Pelourinho, inside and out… quite the tourist-trap; and
-Visited Project Bahia Street (an org. that helps young girls recognize/value their black identity and works to reinforce their public school education), the Steve Biko Cultural Institute (which does virtually the same thing but for teenagers and other young adults), and Ilê Ayê (a world renown Afro-Brazilian Carnaval “bloco”/group/school based out of the Liberdade neighborhood).

Since the others left to do their independent projects, I moved into my host family’s house, went to the beach with them, did some research, stressed out over the lack of theoretical framework in project…, and attended a reggae festival (Diamba, Tribo de Jah, Adao Negro, Alpha Blondy, Edson Gomes, and Sine Calmon). All in all it’s been great!

What’s my host family like? Afro-Brazilian. Middle-class. Eva, a 40-something mother that’s a spunky hair-dresser and super down-to-earth. Cleono, a 40-something father that works in advertising. Danilo, an 11-year-old brother with whom I share a small bedroom. And Elaine, a 27-year-old cousin that used to work for them but now just lives there and works for a neighboring family. After our first night together, Elaine and I quickly became good friends.

Well, finally, I guess that’s it for now… Today (now, yesterday) is the Day of Black Consciousness, and with 90% of the population Afro-Brazilian, you’d think the entire city of Salvador would take it to the streets! Well, more on this means later… For now I’ve gotta run a join the 3rd annual Black Consciousness march from Liberdade to Pelourinho.

settling in (somewhat): host “family” & first week of class

Time is flying by! And I’m beginning to wish that I’d taken off next semester to just hang out here, relax, travel, and enjoy my stay in Brazil! It’s not that I’m not enjoying myself now (because I am!), it’s just that we have so much work to do that I hardly have time to relax… it feels like I have something (reading, writing, researching—tons of it!!) hanging over my head constantly… and I’m so slow, so easily distracted, so impatient with all of it, and so unfocused… plus, the heat, the humidity, and the high number of (carpenter?) ants and other little bichos (animals) crawling about my room freely (which is apparently a cultural norm here in the northeast) don’t help my lack of concentration and focus.

to make matters worse, we’re supposed to be diving right into the research for our independent projects (ISP’s), and I still don’t really have a clue what I want to do… you’d think I’d know after having spent so much time traveling in and studying brazil, but that doesn’t mean that I have a clear idea of what specific thing I want to research in depth and turn into a 30-to-50-page term paper… yikes! I need to get on the ball! (so, forgive me now for not keeping in touch with each of you individually and for not updating this more regularly or with greater detail.)

Briefly (and to recap), my host “family” includes a brother (Marcelo, 29) and a sister (Ana Paula, 23), who study all the day and work into the evenings, and another sister (Aurélia, 24), who isn’t studying nor working for the time being. Their parents live nearly 200 km south of Fortaleza in a city called Quixadá. (We went there last weekend for a short visit… The town is beautiful, historic, not over-developed, surround by rocky outcroppings, a bit touristy due to its hang-gliding and famous catholic sanctuary, and home to nearly 40, 000 inhabitants, but it’s also VERY hot and dry.)

Our apartment in Fortaleza is very simple but sufficient. I have my own bed room, but we share a bathroom and I have to keep my clothes in my sister’s room because my room has no place to store clothes. I sleep in a bed, but each room (including the living room) is equipped with at least 3 or 4 hooks to hang hammocks… The apartment complex (of 300 apts.) is right next to a squeaky train track and not far from the airport. So you can imagine the noise… What else (here) worth mentioning?... Open, screen-less, pane-less windows with shutters. Wood and ceramic tiled floors. Florescent lamps (no soft watt lights of any kind)…

One more thing worth mentioning about our homestays is that they are spread across the board in terms of socio-economic class. Many of us are living in very poor neighborhoods, and a few others are living in upper class (or at least upper middle-class) apartments or houses. I’m right in between the two extremes—in what my host mother called simple “student housing.”… I’m not 100% sure about SIT’s motive for randomly placing us into different housing situations, except that it’s supposed to give us different perspectives of life here. While this is somewhat true, it doesn’t change the fact that each of us is living only one reality… I don’t know. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the whole program, and one day I’ll tell you more about it…

Lastly, our first week of class went well. Our advanced Portuguese classes are fun, because our teacher (Eneide) likes to have fun, joke around, and talk about real issues (not just grammar, pronunciation, and literature). I am one of 5 in the class, but only 3 of us have a good handle on the language… The only major issue I have with this program concerning the Portuguese is that it’s not all in Portuguese. Since nine tenths of the group barely knows novice Portuguese and since we have SO much reading and writing to do in English, I can already tell that my Portuguese is suffering, or at least it’s not advancing as fast as I’d hoped… Nevertheless, I’m still learning a lot.

Our program’s theme class (Culture, Development, and Social Justice) has been interesting. So far we’ve had someone come speak to us about Native Brazilian Identity and the New Indigenous Movement and about Brazil’s economic and political battleground and Lula’s campaign and presidency. Lectures/discussions are conducted in Portuguese and translated… The Field Study Seminar also began, but we only managed to get through introductions. A Ph.D. candidate in Anthropology and Philosophy (Eduardo Olivera) leads the class, approves our independent projects (ISP’s), helps guide our research, walks the journey with us (as he would say), and takes us on “field-research trips.” Overall, I’m excited about the hands-on learning; I detest the amount of reading for the theme class and for our ISP’s; I fear the quantity, quality, and velocity of writing that’s required of us for all of the above; and I’m a bit worried that I won’t figure our what to do for my ISP in time… That’s it, for now.

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My host "family" in Quixadá (behind us is a reservoir that slaves built)

Photographer José Albano and the first night with our familes

wednesday, we toured fortaleza with world-renown photographer José Albano. we visited a cemetery, a cultural center, a beach where fishermen began and continue to maintain their livelihood despite the tourism that's built up around them, the only vista that over looks the city (fortaleza is very flat), and a few other random spots... afterward we joined Zé at his communal house for a late lunch, a walk through some of the enormous sand dunes that line the coast here, and a slide show of some interesting spots in Ceará (the state of fortaleza)... i must mention that Zé quite a character and a very unique brazilian. he's a vegetarian; he frequents Rainbow Gatherings (annual US and Internat'l hippy gatherings); he serves on the Associação Brasileira de Comunidades Alternativas; and he built his home from mud and used glass bottles (of every shape and color) as conduits for natural light... we were really fortunate to have the opportunity to know him and spend the entire day with him.

thursday, we met our families! everyone was very anxious to meet their families, but my anxiety didn't surmount to much because my familiy didn't come to meet me... actually, they were misinformed and didn't realize that they were supposed to come... truthfully, better me than anyone else, because at least i know the language, i understand the culture, and i've been in situations far worse...

about them and my living situation: i have 2 sisters (ages 23 and 24) and 1 brother (29)--of portuguese descent--who are living in fortaleza just for school. their other sister and brother are married, have kids (2 each), and live elsewhere. their parents live 2 hours outside the city. (the mother is visiting right now, and we'll go visit them next weekend.)... our apartment is VERY simple and lower middle-class, and it's about a half hour from downtown and from the institute where we have classes. (i've noticed that the northeast is SIGNIFICANTLY poorer than the south of brazil.) overall, i've enjoyed getting to know them, but i'm a little upset that we're going to be so busy (with homework and with other programs) that i won't get to spend a lot of time with them... at least, with my advanced portuguese, i can already get to know them pretty well...

tonight, we (as a group) head up to Pacotí, which is in the mountains southwest of fortaleza... i'll let you know how it goes. it should be interesting because we're all going to stay in one house together--everyone sleeping in hammocks... até logo.