there's always hope

Pillars of the Saints: follow-up

2012-01-14T12:29:00.003-05:00

Last year was awesome. This year we're gearing up for another art project, so stayed tuned!

Pillars of the Saints: Burning Man project

2011-05-07T12:13:00.001-04:00

what if...

2010-05-24T11:57:00.000-04:00

... we could live the questions of our lives confident of the answer that we need to live into the questions.

"Are you still searching for your calling? Are you still wrestling with your purpose on this earth? Our calling is to please Him--to wake up every morning saying, "Yes, Lord," then live through the day to discover His questions." (Beth Moore, Living Beyond Yourself)

Remember, God is LOVE, and He is only and always good. His Spirit is the evidence of His "Yes".

"Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God's Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete." 2 Corinthians 1:19-21 (in Context)

living the questions

2010-05-20T23:56:00.004-04:00

I love having deep & deliberate conversations around faith, spirituality, life, and matters of the heart. So it's no surprise that I've sought out opportunities (and that I've been invited) to engage with folks on that level.

For one such engagement, one co-inspirer of the group shared this with us to spark a very fruitful discussion:

When we were together last, I mentioned this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet:

I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

My suggestion is that, to frame our time together, we think/talk about the questions we are “living”—those “unresolved” matters that keep us searching, even if the answers are elusive. My experience is that “living the questions” yields something better than answers; it stretches our capacity for wonder and mystery.

So what is/are the question(s) that you are living out in your life?

consider hope

2010-03-18T23:22:00.004-04:00

a birthday wish & letter to my friends:

Warmest greetings to you!

My birthday is tomorrow (Friday), and I'd love to celebrate with you somehow -- in person and/or in spirit!

Whether or not you can join me, please consider something with me:

What is the meaning of "hope" in your life? What brings you true hope? What is the reason for your hope?

As a form of celebrating with me (near or far), please just spend time thinking about this in depth.

Then, if you feel inspired, see if you can come up with something you can share with me that represents it, like an object, a picture, a poem, a thought, a dream, a song, a symbol, a story, an action, etc. I would love to hear your take on it and also to begin collecting these sorts of stories & such from folks. Now, if you can't think of something specific, don't worry, just keep thinking about it. (Believe me, I've thought about it for nearly 31 years, especially the past 2.5, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.)

Something will come to you eventually... and if not, ask someone who you consider to be "hope"-filled for the reason for their hope. That way, the essence of this birthday gift will continue to grow!

Meanwhile, please know that I love & miss you dearly.

Gratefully,
Hope Deifell

testimony

2010-03-01T14:44:00.015-05:00

I never feel like I can put my story in writing, because it's still being written. However, I've been asked to share it with folks, so here it goes:

My sister, Heather, and I dreamed of taking a trip around the world for over 10 years. (It took us 7 years of talking about it before we started saving money & setting a date to take off... 3 years later: July 2007.) About one year before our journey began, Heather felt compelled by the Spirit to consider this God's trip, not hers, but I rejected the idea. I didn't want to have anything to do with doing "missions" on this trip. I just wanted to see the world, meet interesting people, immerse myself into other cultures, expand my mind, experience life elsewhere, and travel the circumference of the earth... but not through missions. In fact, I was adamantly against it, mainly because I had an archaic, oppressive, crusader-type conception of missionaries. (Little did I know.)

Anyway, I decided that we would start off together but that I would take off on my own while she visited ministries & "did missions". Well, it turns out that traveling separately in Africa (our first stop) was not only dangerous at times, it was also logistically impossible to expect to get back together in a timely manner. Plus, I didn't have any particular direction to follow, and Heather did. So I decided to give up the fight (within myself) and stick with her.*

In the process (because it really has been a process), I realized how stubborn and prideful I had become within myself and also how judgmental and hypocritical I was towards missionaries & Christians, in particular. In fact, I used to boast about how open-minded, accepting & understanding I was toward everyone, but then it hit me -- I wasn't! I swallowed my pride, reserved my judgment, and decided to listen to them... really listen to their stories, their perspective and their journeys of faith.

Around the same time, I really wanted to talk with an old friend, someone I thought would be glad to hear from me, so I decided to call my ex-boyfriend one evening (plus, I was jealous that heather got to talk with her boyfriend all the time). Note: by this time, we were a month & a half into our year-long journey around the world, and I really just wanted that loving & caring connection with a friend, too. That night, though, he was not at all the loving, caring, supportive and excited-to-hear-from-me friend that I thought he'd be or that I needed him to be, so I made the very painful decision to cut those last few remaining heart strings between us and let him go. The result: a whiplash of emotion, a pendulum from hope to hopelessness, a deep depression, a void of love, an emptiness that I thought nothing could fill, and a brokenness below the depth that my heart is capable of feeling (which is very deep).

The very next morning, we went to church with our South African hosts, and there were three significant things that occurred. First, the entire service was in Afrikaans, so one of our hosts had to interpret the whole service for us. Already, I needed to learn to trust and depend on the messenger as well as the message -- translated. Second, the lead pastor humbled himself in such a powerful way by admitting that he was really struggling with his faith and that he needed prayer. The congregation surrounded him and prayed over him, right then and there. This is not something I'd ever witnessed from a leader of faith (to admit his struggles of faith in front of his own congregation). To me, it was a huge testament of genuine humility that proved his humanity, his imperfection, his need for prayer, his desperation for a supportive community, and his loneliness. My pride was on its way out.

Third (and most importantly), the pastor's sermon outlined the PERFECT love of Christ -- in all He said and did -- and how that perfect love can complete us, fill us, mend us & make us whole. I thought, "That's it! That's what I need in my life!" Even though I'd heard about God's love my whole life (growing up in the church, in a Christian home and as a pastor's kid), it never quite hit me the same way until that moment and in those circumstances. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. It was then I realized that no other human being could complete me like that -- only the divine, supernatural & perfect love of God's perfect Son can.

All of this didn't come to me right away, though. Remember, I was still wrestling with some pride, and I was way too stubborn to accept Him all at once. It was an intense process that took months to take root. However, that same Sunday afternoon, I retreated into my room, crawled under the covers (still in a depression from the night before), and cried my eyes out for several hours. In the midst of that brokenness and pain, I cried out, "Okay, God, if you're real, I really need you to prove Yourself to me, and in the meantime, I'll try out this relationship with Your Son."

That night, our host (the same one who translated the service for Heather & me that morning) offered to do some theophostics with me -- an intense inner healing prayer technique that traces a particular & prominent lie back through your memories to find the root and to pray for healing & forgiveness in that area of your life. I took her up on it, because I was still feeling pretty desperate for healing & restoration. However, what blew me away more than the actual healing that took place during that prayer session was her command and use of the name of Jesus, against the powers of darkness that threatened to cloud my vision, to cripple my body, mind & spirit, and to discourage me from healing. I thought, "Can you really do that? Does Jesus' name really have that authority?" Wow. I'd never known that the name of Jesus could have such a powerful affect on my life. It was amazing.

From that weekend on, I really started talking, walking & growing with Jesus, as if He were always really there listening to me, just waiting for me to make the first move, ready to meet me where I am, loving & caring to connect with me, and always glad to be with me.

As for my bold plea for "proof" from God, over that next month, there were too many "coincidences" for me to ignore, too many people who would speak directly into exactly what I was processing at the time, and too many times that the puzzle pieces seemed to fit together so perfectly -- I was overwhelmed with evidence, made tangible to me. For the remainder of our journey, despite all our ups & downs, my faith in Him grew as His foundation under me grew.

Now, there is a whole lot more to say about what happened and what's still happening in my journey of faith, but when someone asks for my story, I point back to our trip around the world and to this particular weekend as my initial transformation by the Spirit, my birth from above, and the beginning of my testimony of faith & my conscious walk with God.

*Special thanks to Heather for constantly "being there" for me and for respecting my relentless "processing". She is the very best friend anyone could ever ask for.

affirmation

2010-02-28T21:05:00.001-05:00

although it's a great source of connecting, networking & sharing information, i gave up facebook for lent. the reason: i felt that i was somehow looking for affirmation, identity, acceptance & belonging in it rather than in my Creator. i know i'm not alone in this... so this devotion is for those of you who can relate and who need affirmation.

this is Jesus Calling:

STOP JUDGING AND EVALUATING YOURSELF, for this is not your role. Above all, stop comparing yourself with other people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority; sometimes, a mixture of both. I lead each of My children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong; it is also meaningless.

Don't look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is My unconditional Love. Many believers perceive Me as an unpleasable Judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in My garments of salvation. This how I see you: radiant in My robe of righteousness. When I discipline you, it is never in anger or disgust; it is to prepare you for face-to-Face fellowship with Me throughout all eternity. Immerse yourself in My loving Presence. Be receptive to My affirmation, which flows continually from the throne of grace.

Luke 6:37; John 3:16-17; Isaiah 61:10 (NASB); Proverbs 3:11-12

technology and faith

2010-02-23T17:51:00.002-05:00

billy graham | video on TED.com

i love this man. so humble and so bold.
... see if you can find the hope in what he says here.

all in the name

2010-02-16T21:34:00.005-05:00

i cannot recall how many times my relationship with my name has evolved and/or transformed my life... for the good and the bad.

my most recent revelation is the fact that my birthday is the last day of winter (in the northern hemisphere, at least). so just when we feel like winter is never going to end, there's always hope because spring is just around the corner. ;)

what kind of relationship do you have with your name? consider its origin, its meaning, your parents' thoughts around naming you, how you feel about your name, if anyone shares your name, the stories of others, etc. i'm not talking about "the expression or destiny number" associated with your name -- that's too cookie-cutter & objective. i'm talking about your experience, your story, your adventure, your challenges, and your relationship with your name from birth.

step by step

2010-02-01T10:30:00.004-05:00

it's a process. taking baby steps. trusting in my Creator. under his way.

i've really been enjoying this great new daily devotional, and so i thought i'd share a little from it.

today's entry:

"Follow Me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world. You see huge mountains looming, and you start wondering how you're going to scale those heights. Meanwhile, because you're not looking where you're going, you stumble on the easy path where I am leading you now. As I help you get back on your feet, you tell Me how worried you are about the cliffs up ahead. But you don't know what will happen today, much less tomorrow. Our path may take an abrupt turn, leading you away from those mountains. There may be an easier way up the mountains than is visible from this distance. If I do lead you up the cliffs, I will equip you thoroughly for that strenuous climb. I will even give My angels charge over you, to preserve you in all your ways."

Psalm 18:29; Psalm 91:11-12 (AMP); 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NKJV)

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

The Journey of Desire

2009-09-23T18:52:00.004-04:00

"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest." (Elderidge 185)

The wait is most certainly not over, but I'm content with the mystery of His plan & I'm excited to watch as His purpose for my life is unfolded layer by layer.

let's unite!

2009-04-21T22:52:00.016-04:00

For a year, my sister & I traveled in faith around the world, and God gave us the opportunity to fellowship with all kinds of communities of Christian Faith (including Andries Louw's!). What an amazing & enlightening experience.

[Note: Before this journey of faith around the world, I did not have a relationship with Jesus, I was burnt by the Church, I had trouble with "God-language", and I was a hypocrite toward Christians... even though I had been raised in a wonderful & somewhat traditional Christian (pastor's) home.]

Through 100s of Divine appointments, Spirit-filled testimonies & diverse worship opportunities, God used this journey to more fully introduce Himself (and His Body) to me.

Although, as we lived, breathed & walked in faith, we also personally witnessed what many individuals in the Church wrestle with -- their identity, diversity AND unity as a Body of believers, as children of God & as a functional family of Faith, despite and/or including our differences.

God works, His Spirit moves & His Son emerges in mysterious ways, including through our varying degrees of worship. As long as we keep focused on Him AND truly love each other through the thick & thin (as He loves us), we'll be fine.

So how do we do that? What does that look like to "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" Eph 5:21? How can we be the healthy, wholesome Bride we should be for our Bridegroom? How can we "negotiate" such a diverse identity?

How about rejoicing such a diverse identity?!

Let's unite under Him, listen with Christ-like hearts, dismantle our prejudices, and be willing to learn from one another... After all, since we were each made in the image of God, we've all got something to teach each other about Him.

Furthermore, let's be gracious & compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love... as much as humanly possible.

[I wrote this as a response to

"negotiating identity between orthodoxy and emergence"

(a blog by my South African friend, Andries Louw).]

there is always hope!

2009-03-17T11:55:00.011-04:00

the general discourse of many people in the world these days (no thanks to the US media) is seemingly hopeless. i say, there is always hope! it's been right in front of us all this time, and everything of this world prevents us from seeing it, believing it and experiencing it fully, wholy & simply...

i thank God everyday for patiently working on me, for graciously being there for me once i finally (& stubbornly) came back home to Him (in humiliation), for lovingly helping me to understand Him more and more, and for joyfully healing & liberating me (especially at an incredible Healing Prayer conference this last week).

i'm finally & truly a witness, a living testament to the confident & mysterious Truth that there IS always hope!

check it out:
...

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5 NLT

...

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV

...

That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:18-27 The Message

...

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times. Lamentations 3:25-26 The Message

a glimpse into Guatemala

2009-03-05T17:47:00.003-05:00

These seven weeks flew by, and I feel like I barely got to “know” Guatemala. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written anything in a while. (The other part is that I haven’t had the time & space to sit down to write.) I tried to just take it all in – listening, learning, observing, and finding the words to describe it all. The longer I wait, though, the harder it is (especially now that I’m home finishing this post).

Nothing is what it seems. Corruption and exploitation have been so rampant, especially since the Spanish colonized and later the Americans pillaged Latin America, so there is really too much cultural and social psychology to unpack in just one sitting. The other challenge is how to describe the scene without any framework and/or biases from which to refer.

Guatemala is beautiful & culturally rich, but it's also hauntingly corrupt & desperately fearful. The people are as nice as can be, but there are few that aggressively take advantage of the submissive majority. My big take-aways: a deeper trust & intimacy with God (having traveling alone & w/o a plan... see the previous post), a deeper compassion for immigrants' journeys (to the States specifically), a deeper respect for the Mayan culture, a slight improvement in my Spanish, and a climb to the highest point in Central America – Volcano Tajamulco.

Within this diverse country, there are 23 people groups each with their own dialect, traditions and dress -- bright, rich colors in the beautiful, intricate weaves. The diversity makes it challenging for the government to educate, inform & empower the people, and often, it’s the uneducated & disempowered ones (1 out of 14 Guatemalans) that make the treacherous journey into the States for the “hope” of the “American Dream”... only to get shot down & trampled over there too. I heard many horrific stories of people who had made this journey.

As for the “ladino” (“mestizo” or mixed Spanish-Native population), again, nothing is what it seems. Without recalling every cultural difference (or similarity for that matter), I’ll share just a few...

Every formality is full of informality. Many Guatemalans have a deep respect for ceremonies, official procedures, customs, traditions, pomp and circumstance, but after boiling down the content of these formalities, there’s not a whole lot going on. For example, the social expectations of waiting and “being” with a family that is mourning the loss of a family member – the ceremonial side of these wakes seem formal, but once everyone is gathered, there are little to no formalities. Everyone just sits around & talks amongst themselves.

Infrastructure has its order but it seems neglected at first glance. Nevertheless, people are rather diligent about keeping what they have tidy – sweeping, mopping, and cleaning everything often enough to make up for the unfinished appearance of some places. Pot holes and speed bumps are common. Cinder block homes might be painted, and most of them at least have bars on the windows (in the major cities anyway). Wooden planks or tin sheets are used as walls &/or roofs in a lot of places. Most have a heavier metal door with a little window to check out visitors.

Security is a serious issue everywhere – for horridly valid reasons. Then again, there are formalities & informalities there too. I never saw anyone get searched or hassled, but I know it happens. I noticed private security guards at nearly every business, and the presence of the military is oddly haunting, rather than confidently secure, because you don’t know their motives or background... like if they were trained (by the US’s School of the Americas) to kill or oppress the people like they did for years and years there.

As for food? Black beans, delicious homemade corn tortillas (fresh every day from scratch) or corn tamales, an egg, fried or boiled plantains, and coffee make up the typical Guatemalan meal. A black bean soup with cream or tostadas (hard flat tortillas) with black bean paste, salsa or guacamole and an onion & cilantro relish are pretty common too. Pancakes, peanut butter, American fast food chains, and Supermarkets (including an equivalent of Costco) have emerged thanks to foreign interest/invasion. Nevertheless, everyone still finds some way to make a buck -- either managing a little convenience store out of their house (like my 2nd host family), making home-made food to vend near a local school or business (like my 3rd host family), selling small goods & trinkets on the street corner, amid traffic or on local buses, etc. Survival capitalism at it's finest.

¿Y el baño? Cold water showers (or bucket baths) are pretty much standard, but in the mountainous region, you'll find little heating elements attached to the shower head. Otherwise, there is no hot water in the house. Toilet paper doesn’t go down the toilet; it goes into a little trash can next to every toilet. (Being back in States, I found that was actually one of the hardest habits to break for a while.) As for trash in general, there is little to no infrastructure to deal with it, so most often it goes out the window, along the road, or into some sort of collective trash dump. There are a few foreigners deliberately trying to compost, recycle, minimize waste & educate others, but good waste management & a general respect for the environment is really hard to come by.

All this said, I found that Guatemala, like most anywhere else, is a complex and profoundly-complicated place -- teaming with life, a unique culture & beautiful people -- yet suppressed by fear, frustrated by the increasing crime, trying to keep up with the global market & pace of modernism, and still looking to a somewhat abusive sister nation to the north for help and "hope" in these desperate times.

aquí estoy yo

2009-03-05T13:40:00.002-05:00

Here I am. At the very end of my journey to Guatemala. Alive and, well, nearly as uncertain of my future as when I left. No surprise, really. I wasn’t expecting to figure it all out, but I hoped to pick up some more pieces of the puzzle at least. I definitely have a few more clues now, but I’m sure they won’t make sense or fall into place until later. I guess that’s the glorious gift of our ongoing creation and the wondrous mystery of how God weaves & unfolds it all.

In many ways, I’m still “esperando” (waiting, hoping, expecting) the Spirit’s direction, but at least I’m a little closer to finding a balance between “being” and “doing”, between “showing up” and making a few plans, between listening and sharing, and between being present and moving forward. There’s nothing quite like taking a giant leap out of your comfort zone & routine and into another culture, language & set of customs, in order to challenge, humble, strengthen & expand your senses, spirit, awareness & character... All the while, seeking God’s wisdom, courage & hope at every step and deepening in our relationship with Divine Trinity. This doesn’t mean that you have to leave the country to have that experience or that everyone who travels abroad has that experience. Many, in fact, do not. It’s all a matter of perspective, attitude & choice... to live by grace.

Therefore (and in the meantime), I will act justly, love mercy, walk humbly, be patient, and follow what God genuinely places on my heart.

Here I am.

bendición profunda

2009-02-10T12:38:00.005-05:00

What a “profound blessing” this journey has been... last week in particular. It’s like I finally woke up, started praising God for everything, felt His hope, and began to trust His plan. From the amazing host families to the teachers & other students at my language school, I have so much to be thankful for... So here I am, finally recognizing the light of “Esperanza” (Hope) that He’s give me.

Also, the week before last, I was moved to tears by the humble generosity of my first Xela host family when I left them... and as that host mother refused that I pay them the “going rate” for a family home-stay.

In the same way, what a “profound blessing” to share stories, play lots of games (incl. UNO, Jenga, a “Con quién” card game, “Basta”, kickball, soccer, & jump rope), and fellowship in the Spirit with my new host family this week (all 9 of them!). I was so blown away their loving & compassionate embrace that I was moved to tears last night during our devotions together & again this morning as I prayerfully praised God for them and as I reluctantly had to say goodbye.

Truth be told, it’s been a profound blessing to have stayed with three God-sent families in a row, but each time I move on, it’s SO hard to let go, especially because I don’t know when or if I’ll see them again in this lifetime... but also because my heart aches to leave the blessed people with whom & places in which I’ve shared His abundant love & joy. (Not to mention, I have no idea what or who God has planned for me next.)

Last Sunday night (my last night with my 2nd host family in Xela), our devotional as a family was based on Matthew 16:24-25: “... you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” That´s exactly what I have to do in leaving this family, this comfort, this blessing of a home-stay... and in taking up my cross, my challenge of the unknown, my pursuit of the Way, the Truth & the Life of Jesus...

Until now, I definitely haven’t expressed how much God has been with me – faithfully guiding me, protecting me, blessing me with little miracles along the way, giving me hope, gently molding me, mysteriously using me, and generously loving me. I marvel at His evolving & intertwining creation in me, around me, through me, and so far beyond me. It’s nearly incredible, supremely profound, and surprising accessible to all of us. I praise Him for my host families, my Spanish tutor & school, the other students, the other believers that He´s sent me along the way, the unique experiences, my safety, His providence, peace, love & joy, and all He is.

Now & for the next week or so, I´m traveling with Sarah Robinson (a new friend thanks to our mutual friend, David LaMotte). Over the last few days, we ventured north toward Todos Santos, stayed with a family in a small village called Chiabal (thanks to my friend Lindsay´s friend in the Peace Corps), and hiked through the beautiful mountains both days we were up there. Tomorrow, we´re taking off to hike & camp on the highest peak & volcano in Central America (Tajumulco) with QuetzalTrekkers. Monday through Friday, we´ll be volunteering at a school in Santo Domingo (near Mazatenango) which is on the coast. I don´t know what I´ll be doing exactly (because I´m not much of a teacher), but I´ll probably help Sarah teach Christian Education or I´ll help the school administration for the week. Who knows? God does, I guess.

Please continue to pray for wisdom, discernment, positive thinking, contentment, safety, peace, and joy... all from Him of course.

expectations

2009-02-01T16:28:00.011-05:00

I try not to have any expectations so I'm never disappointed in anything, but sometimes I do & I am. The challenge is to find contentment and to praise God regardless of the circumstances.

Well, here I am... still waiting, hoping, expecting God to open doors, heal me, move me, strength me to take more steps forward, and/or change my circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I'm also praying fervently, trying to put the word out there, and attempting to connect with people... It's just it would have been so much easier to take the tourist track or to join a missions tour or something.

Waiting, hoping, expecting... “esperando.” Just one word for such an intense process: esperar.

Since my last post, I left Guatemala City, took a “first class” bus (rather than a second class “chicken bus”) to Quetzaltenango (Xela), settled in with my new God-sent host family (incidentally in a little outlying town called “La Esperanza”) , and started “school” with a Spanish tutor at Utatlan in downtown Xela. Really, I have no complaints, but for some reason, I´m struggling to find contentment & “esperanza” in my path. How do I truly “esperar” for God? How can I rest in His hands -- when I struggle trusting His plan? when I don´t even know what His plan is? when can´t figure out what He wants me to do? when I can´t make any decisions for myself? when I´m so focused on my own issues? when I can´t let go of my own selfish desires? when I expect too much & don´t get any response?

Waiting, hoping, expecting… todavía esperando.

The problem is that I want things to work out for myself, not necessarily just for God’s glory. That’s not to say that there´s always a complete difference, but a lot of times, there is. For example, my current host family here planned to go hiking up a volcano & camping this weekend, but at the very last minute, it was cancelled due to a death in their church (7th Day Adventist). I understood & totally respected the fact that they needed to grieve together as a Body of believers, but I have to admit, I was selfishly a little disappointed. I had really hoped & nearly expected that this was finally a breakthrough in this season of “esperando”, but apparently, I have some more waiting to do… and definitely a whole lot more learning to do in order to rest & find contentment in His hands.

I thank God nothing bad has happened to me, but for quite some time, I was virtually stunned & nearly paralyzed by the heavy cloud of fear that threatens to contaminate the entire subcontinent (due to the increase in violent crime, the infiltrating drug cartel, the corruption in the government, the underpaid police force, and so much more than meets the eye... not to mention many people´s valid yet persistent guardedness & paranoia about the crime).

Everyone has a story about how crime has affected them. For example, just last week, my family´s cousin was assaulted, robbed of $200,000, and kidnapped from his own place of business. They still don´t know where he is, and the only thing they can do is pray & negotiate with the kidnappers. Please pray for a miracle.

Fortunately, not everyone is paralyzed by this dark cloud. In fact, Guatemala is a beautiful country full of the nicest people, but unfortunately, many of them are too intimidated to stand up against or even report the corruption that takes place. I don´t blame them, though; the Enemy is embedded in the social system & overwhelmingly strong among the people here. In fact, according to a local missionary here, the corruption is even seeping into the Church. If the people can´t even turn to the Church for help, where else can they turn?

I also thank God for my two blessed host families (in Guatemala City and here in Xela), and I know that He prepared a small place for me among them, even just for short time... However, since their houses are a bit far from the city centers, I´ve felt a little isolated from the hub of the culture. In Guatemala City, I couldn´t come or go on my own at all, because it was too dangerous, too far away from everything, & initially too difficult to get around on my own. In Xela, I could finally come & go on my own, but I´d have to leave the city center by 5:30 at the latest to catch the bus home (30-45 minutes in transit), thus missing out on some of the activities at the school or with the other students… Granted, I know I´m not here to hang out with other travelers, but I´d selfishly like to get to know the city some more & take a little more advantage being here. Plus, Heather & I learned last year that “being” among other travelers is a form of ministry in and of itself... Regardless, I definitely sense that it´s time to move out of my current host family, simply because there isn´t really enough room for me. (The 5 of them are humbly & graciously sharing a room so I can have my own room.)

So what should I do? Logically, I should move closer to town & maybe even stay with a random host family that the school can set up for me. However, nothing is quite that simple for me. In fact, I may have made it even harder on myself by asking for help from a local missionary here. Maybe not, though. We´ll see after today. The bottom line is that I wasn´t sure what to do or where to go, so I couldn´t commit to a host family from the school. Nevertheless, I asked the local missionary for help in finding a host family and/or an opportunity to serve for the rest of the time I´m in Xela. She got back to me with news of a new host family (still a little ways from downtown & still $35/week like all the other home-stays), but nothing about serving anywhere. I was extremely grateful to connect with her, but I was still a little confused about what to do, where to go, & why I haven´t “plugged in” anywhere, yet. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer & a number of decent secular programs doing great things in the community, so why haven´t I jumped in anywhere? I don´t know. I either haven´t been available (due to my Spanish tutoring schedule or my home-stay locale), I´m not here long enough to commit the required amount of time for volunteers, or I haven´t felt the call or pull towards any of them, yet. Then again, this may only be an introduction, a chance for God to plant some seeds in my life & in the lives of those I encounter. His purpose is far greater than I can imagine, so maybe I´m just here to learn to be content in Him… as much as I want to see, do, go & be somewhere else.

In the meantime, I´m trying to breathe deep, wait patiently, praise God in all circumstances, look for the positive, be thankful for the opportunities I'm given, focus on & pray for His will, “be” Christ with those around me, spend time in the Word, listen to the whisper of the Spirit, and forget about myself.

esperando... waiting

2009-01-20T19:06:00.004-05:00

How easily things can change. I’m still in Guatemala City, but I really hope to go to Xela tomorrow. The problem is that I am at the mercy of my hosts, who live far south of the city, and I don’t know my way (nor do I feel comfortable or safe) to get around by myself, yet.

Why didn’t I go on Sunday like I’d planned? Well, I must have looked uneasy about the trip, because my host brother sat me down & sincerely asked me if I really felt ready to go. The truth is I didn’t feel ready because I didn’t have a bus ticket & because I hadn’t signed up for any language school there yet (to start Monday)… Not to mention, I started feeling really paranoid about traveling by myself in an increasingly dangerous country. (My hosts, their friends and the US State Dept persistently warn against traveling alone, after dark, with anything valuable, and into certain areas of the city or countryside.)

So since I didn’t have anything sorted out for Xela & since I’m traveling alone, I started to cave in under the anxiety, and it showed. In trying my best to explain myself to my host brother, I realized that maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to take another day to pray about it all. Maybe I needed to repack & reconsider what I should leave behind (including my laptop). Maybe I needed to at least make contact a few language schools (even if I don’t know where they are in relation to where I’m staying, yet). Maybe I just needed to slow down and WAIT.

While that seemed like a good idea at first, I’m wrestling with it. Waiting is so hard, and while I feel like I’ve had lots of practice in waiting (while traveling the world, having done vipassana, doing community work, living at home with my parents for a couple months, etc), it’s as if I’ve forgotten & I’m relearning how to truly WAIT... be still, and know God.

el milagro primero

2009-01-17T21:40:00.003-05:00

the first miracle of the journey is that i actually arrived in one piece. seriously. it seemed like nearly all forces were working against me... except the Force that matters most, apparently, 'cause i made it! Gracias a Dios!

here's how it went down: i got sick (sensitive tonsils, swollen glands, chronic headache, sleepless nights, aching body & pure exhaustion) the day before i left my parents’ house in Connecticut. i called AA at the last minute but decided that it wasn't worth canceling/postponing the trip. i bit the bullet and literally threw all my stuff together to go anyway. (can you tell i was starting to drag my feet?) i took the train down to NYC, lugged my tiresome body through the streets & subway to a friend's house in Queens, and slept only 6 hours before taking a cab to LGA amid a snow storm. (thankfully, i wasn't on the flight from LGA to Charlotte that day, or the trip would have really been canceled.) what followed should have been a 6-hour trip through Miami turned into a 15-hour one with 6 delays!

several times i'd asked myself: had i pushed my own agenda to go? was i going against God's desire? or was all this just the Enemy's attempt at discouraging me? there's a fine line there, but i'm confident (hopeful & trusting) that God will humble me, stretch me, strengthen me and teach me to depend more on Him than ever before... in fact, He's already doing that.

in the end, my contact in Guatemala City was there at the airport to pick me up. she & her brother quickly embraced me as a sister in faith, whizzed me off to their little town just south of the city (up & down the hills, through the darkened streets, past a few stumbling night-owls, safely back to their home), and welcomed me into their family.

so here i am. somewhat rested, healing, and trying to jump into the culture & the language with both feet. sí, completamente en español. ay ay ay.

all this is MUCH easier said then done. believe me... so please continue to pray for protection, discernment, wisdom, Divine appointments, cultural sensitivity, and expedient language learning. also, i'm about to take off again, moving forward into the unknown abyss of this journey, by continuing on to Quetzaltenango (Xela) tomorrow in order to enroll in a language school for a couple weeks.

the next miracle is that God hooked me up with another host family there -- one that my new Guatemalan brother here knows.

to be continued...

"showing up" in Guatemala

2009-01-11T10:53:00.004-05:00

Again, the time has come for a new adventure to begin. This time by myself... and to Guatemala for about 7 weeks without any agenda. I don't know what I'll be doing exactly yet, but I trust the Spirit will lead me.

Why Guatemala? Initially, I just wanted to study Spanish through immersion again, but I had to put that idea on hold for a while. Upon considering it four years later, though, it became clear that it would be more than just a language immersion experience -- it would be another journey of faith with purpose greater than I could imagine... even if I don't know what it is yet.

On last year's journey, my sister & I took plenty of chances, put ourselves out there in connecting with people we didn't know, watched God masterfully weave it all together, and experienced transformation in the process. I tangibly learned what living in faith is all about -- believing without seeing, going without knowing where you're going to land, following the lead of the Spirit, and letting Him really plan the journey... All of which I'll be doing this time around, too, in taking another giant leap.

So what's my so-called plan? I arrive Jan. 15, and I'll stay until March 4. A friend (who my sister & I met in Thailand last year) & her family are graciously hosting me for the first few days in Guatemala City. Then, I hope to go up to Quetzaltenango (Xela) or possibly Antigua for a couple weeks to do language study. After that? I don't know really. I'm open to going wherever, but I don't have anything set-up yet... When, where & what are all to be determined.

Basically, I'm hoping to "show up" & "be" there for others, to serve with "cultural intelligence", and to connect with local people, ministries & organizations doing incarnational, contextualized, missiological Community-work. All I have to offer are my God-given hands, heart, ears, eyes, compassion, willingness, strength, time, interest, prayer, and experience doing some project management & community organizing. I reckon that'll be enough to serve & glorify Him with. ;)

Please write me & share your stories, contacts and favorite places there, so you can be part of my evolving journey. hope(at)deifell(dot)com

Thank you ahead of time for all your love, compassion, support, prayers and best wishes. Please keep them coming!

random acts with purpose

2009-01-07T17:02:00.002-05:00

i'm finally breaking the silence...

"clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet"

our stories involve process, purpose, and a promise of completion. there's no wishful-thinking hope; there's always confident hope in the One that weaves us all together and openly completes us with His perfect love once we ask for it. everything happens for a reason, so as we continue to contribute to the "ongoing creation of the world"*, it's our choice to respond.

all last year, i wondered about Purpose... the ultimate question "Why?"... the big picture. the reason things happen the way they do. the reason i haven't posted anything in a year. the reason i bother with it anymore.

searching for the real reason for being here, doing what we do, feeling what we feel... desiring to understand what happens naturally... seeking an explanation of pain, suffering, war, earth wakes, political oppression, social & spiritual suppression, mental illness, distance, miscommunication, prejudice, disease, death... noticing the effects of our choices: the time we manage, the decisions we make, the actions we take, the phone calls we answer, the emails/blogs we write, the feelings we act out, the emotions we let consume us, the places we land, the people we love...

science can't explain Purpose and i can't understand "Why?" any more than eluding to its magnitude, diversity & complication... but that's what faith is all about -- confidently trusting and knowing Someone who can and does.

sometimes, we'll never know how it all fits together. other times, we'll learn and then refine that understanding down the road. and in all ways we can come to know the Way of Truth & Life through the One that testifies to it. pure & simple.

life is God’s gift to us, so life should be our gift to God. unfold it. make life the dangerous wonder that continually gives back and uncovers the mystery "Why".

the gravity of judgment

2008-01-17T21:45:00.001-05:00

since our arrival in Indochina, there's one thought that continues to surface in my mind: our human tendency to place judgment on others -- whether good, bad or indifferent.

maybe this reoccurring thought comes from the fact that many people seem to "judge" us by our outward appearances (young backpacking women of european decent, just like all the other hordes of travelers) and take advantage of our innocence/ignorance (treating us as if we have lots of money, hungrily seeking us out to get more $ out of us, generally over-charging us for everything, under serving us what they'd normally give to locals for the same price, etc)... or maybe the "judgement" comes from the language barrier here that prevents us from seeking personal answers to our curious questions. maybe it comes from our assumptions about different people groups, their traditions & their socio-cultural behaviors... or maybe it comes from our own mix of observations, circumstances, personal encounters, habits, fears, layers of memory, philosophies, belief systems, and/or cultural context.

wherever these thoughts come from, the truth is that human beings have the tendency to judge one another... we're all guilty of it, whether we admit it or not... it's part of how we operate, perceive, relate to & understand the world around us. it defines the undefinable, provides guidelines, promotes awareness, controls knowledge, gives us comfort, keeps us safe, forms our traditions, tests our philosophies, supports our beliefs, and shapes our lives... however, the gravity of judgment can also lead to danger -- blinding us from the truth, unjustly drawing biased conclusions about others, destructing our confidence, unequally dispersing power, spreading fear & disgust, making us unnecessarily defensive/offensive, formulating hypocritical attitudes & exclusive behavior toward others, corrupting our potential, deceiving us from living purely positive lives, and preventing us from truly loving & accepting one another as fellow human beings.

therefore, in order to address this profoundly instinctive habit, we really need to cease from judging others all together. "For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged" (Matt 7:1-2, NLT).

this leads me to recall 4 surprising observations in which God reminded me that it's not my place to judge others.

(1) Buddhist monks & novices are everywhere here, and they are easily visible -- cloaked in bright, simple, modest saffron-colored robes. they are so respected & revered that they receive alms every morning from locals (in a very ceremonial sort of way), they receive donations from just about any business they want (including restaurants, Internet cafes & even elephant riding places), they have right of way on public transportation (next to the elderly & handicapped), and they aren't ever supposed to be touched by or be left alone with a woman (although a monk asked for my number once at the Royal Palace in Phnom Penh, and several younger monks sat next to me at the beach in Muang Ngoi so i got them to teach me a little Lao).

basically, they have special privileges, and people don't ever question their actions/behaviors. however, apparently, they can still have fun with their friends -- riding bikes, spinning Chinese tops in the yard of their wat, participating in the annual water-throwing fights during the Thai New Year in April... or hiding on the riverbank to smoke a cigarette?? well, maybe those novices weren't really novices. after all, some kids supposedly dress up as novices/monks in order to take advantage of the generous system with no questions asked (according to the warnings in our guidebook anyway). but what about the older monks that we've seen blatantly smoking cigarettes? aren't they breaking one of the main precepts (or at least one of the 250+ precepts) that Buddhist monks are supposed to follow?... my revered perception of monks was beginning to deteriorate.

the tradition is still very respectable, though... we've been told that nearly every Indochinese boy becomes a novice at some point in their lives (either to fulfill their socio-cultural obligation, to lessen the economic burden on their parents, to seek a free education, to learn & supposedly live out the religious precepts of their forefathers, or perhaps to do it because everyone else is doing it). however, not all of them actually enter into full monk hood. of those who become monks, a very small percentage remain committed for their entire lives. we met several monks that "quit" after several years because they wanted to "live life on the outside." we met one that became so disillusioned by the "business" of the religion (cleansing this house or that tree, casting out spirits, managing the coin-slot fortune telling machines, blessing this business or that Buddha statue). he also told us that the further up the ladder you go as a monk the more rules/precepts there were to follow -- making it nearly impossible to maintain them all as perfectly & tirelessly as you're supposed to in order to reach enlightenment. there was no promise in that way of living/being, he explained... but that is not what the majority wants to believe. they want to believe that if they do X, Y & Z (namely give alms, pray ritualistically, set up a spirit house out front, pay a monk to bless you, make a trip down to the local shrine or temple to make offerings or to add a gold leaf onto one of the Buddha statues), then they'll be safe for the time being or in their next life. tradition is what seems to give them hope, but how frail is that to place your hope in this "luck," these earthly practices, or this temporary state of being?... my understanding of Buddhism began to fall through the cracks of human imperfection, individualism, indifference, detachment, & desperation. Buddhism is a wonderfully positive philosophy, but that's all it is -- a philosophy & a way of being... not a spirituality with any hope or true promise of life or of reaching that final perfection. in fact, i'm sure Buddha wouldn't have wanted humans to gravitate to this false/superficial way of practicing his philosophy. (some Christians have the same problem following what Christ taught.)

so what about these monks & novices? what are their intentions? are they just living out a tradition? are they really practicing this philosophy? are they serving as pawns for the rest of the people who are hoping to buy their way into the next life? how many of them come for the free handouts? how many just want an education? how many are pressured by their families? how many of them last until monk hood? how many of them are truly able to maintain that perfect balance? and for how long?... these questions may never be answered, because no one can ask monks these sorts of questions. we can be curious, but there's no need to stop or judge the practice. that's not our job.

(2) it's common to see Western men marry Thai women, but not all of them marry for the same reasons. unfortunately, the strong social stigma around them presupposes that they come out of the sex industry or some mail-order-bride place, that they marry out of desperation, and/or that there's a sad story behind it all. while some of this might be true about some couples, it's definitely not true about all of them. they might be mutually helping each other out. they might have found love at first sight (something Thai men aren't accustomed to pursuing). they might have met under normal circumstances where sparks fly and romance fills the air. they might truly love each other... who knows, but it's not our place to judge them or exclude them from leading a happy life. at first though, i have to admit, i saw so many "bar girls" in Pattaya desperately calling out to western men and walking off with them arm in arm that my mind tended to jump to conclusions about all the other similarly mixed-race couples i saw... but then i met a few couples that didn't fit that stereotype, that didn't seem all that sleazy, that had a wonderfully mutual partnership, and that had so much love to share that it was contagious. these couples challenged my previous misconceptions and reminded me that we should never judge anything by its cover. only God knows our true intentions.

(3) speaking of people's intentions, throughout our travels heather & i have had to become a bit hardened to a world tainted by tourism. so many people try to take advantage of us (white American women) that we constantly feel on the defensive, fighting for a better price, and/or burnt by their dishonesty. in Africa & India, it wasn't so bad because we learned how to negotiate with them, but Indochina is different. as a foreigner, you have to expect that they'll start 3-5 times the asking price (or more), and they usually don't come down too much. also, in many cases, things are either non-negotiable or vendors seem offended by your negotiating.

so about a week ago we rented a motorbike for the day in Luang Namtha. we had a great day exploring the area, but at the very end, we took a very tiny spill on the bike, broke one of the side mirrors and damaged the plastic cover near the mirror. we instantly worried about how much the damage would cost, and we jumped to conclusions that the owners would try to take advantage of us... to make a long story short, they were totally fair & honest about the whole situation... we left it to God to sort it out, to help us humbly face the owners, and to keep them honest. it could have been worse -- they could have been deeply offended by the transaction, but everything went smooth and they didn't try to cheat us.

(4) in fact, the Indochinese (particularly Thai) get offended by the most random things sometimes. it's no surprise that there are different social & behavioral norms in every country 'round the world, but some things i just don't understand, so i try to just add them to my memory bank without placing any definitive judgment on them... like it's okay to pick your nose in public but never pick your teeth without covering your mouth with your other hand. also, a married couple can not show any affection publicly, which includes walking down the street hand in hand. finally, you should never ever step over someone or touch someone on the head or feet. in fact, you should also never sit on a pillow meant for the head either... actually, it's interesting to notice the unspoken respect people have for each other's personal space. it's no wonder Americans like Thailand so much.

finally, considering all the "dangers" of judgment, i realize i just need to be aware of the fine line that exists between leading an innocent life with eyes & hearts wide open and leading a prejudicial life with selfish fixed lenses of the world... let's call this fine line the "gray area" of our "free will." we use our judgment or our "free will" to choose between good & bad, right & wrong, happiness & despair, the safe & the unsafe, the holding on & the letting go... but it's not always that easy to choose or see the difference. life is not always defined by contrasts, so there's that gray area that makes it difficult for us to use our judgment... that's when we have to shake free the gravity of judgment and rely on our intuition, our nurtured learning, our abilities, our surroundings, and the One that ties it all together.

You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of resentment
And fly high, and fly high
You're only human
Let's shake free this gravity of judgment
And fly high on the wings of forgiveness*

the perfect gift

2007-12-24T23:02:00.002-05:00

Imagine that you’re invited to a very special birthday party of someone who you’ve heard a lot about, you think you know, but you don’t really know all that well. After feeling a little stubborn & reluctant to accept an invitation that society’s made out to seem fictitious, you’re suddenly very curious and then inexplicably compelled to go check out what the party is all about. As guests arrive, the hosts unexpectedly & humbly give away all the birthday boy’s presents to everyone. “This is why our son was born,” the hosts inform, “To joyfully welcome you into our home and to unconditionally share our gifts with you.” For a moment, you’re in shock and taken aback by their abounding love. You don’t really feel like you deserve it.

All the presents come from the same place & look the same to all the curious guests, but as soon as you receive your gift, it miraculously shapes into the relationship you’ve always wanted... one that lasts forever, that goes beyond your wildest dreams, that completes your emptiness, that perfectly satisfies your every need (at all the right moments in life), that uplifts your spirit, that heals your ailments, that always takes the load for you, that continually teaches you lessons but never disappoints, that speaks every language, that crosses every cultural (ethnic & religious) boundary, that serves as your permanent VIP-pass / eternal sacrament for peace & happiness, that liberates you from all earthly vices or desires... and that you can’t find anywhere else in the entire universe.

No strings attached. No need to return the gesture. No debt because the cost has already been paid in full for everyone. You’re absolutely free to do whatever you want with it – accept it or decline it, take it or deny it, use it or abuse it – yet your naturally-born reasoning self quickly realizes that every cell in your body wants to absorb it and reciprocate its pure & perfect goodness forever, because it’s exactly what quenches your body’s thirst. So you decide to selflessly accept it, take it and use it for the hosts’ glory.

After being genuinely affected by this mind-blowing event of generosity, you want so desperately for everyone else in the world to know & understand what you’ve just witnessed, experienced and received... The only trouble is that as soon as you accept the gift, it becomes translucent to everyone else but you, so you don’t have anything tangible to logically or scientifically prove it to the sceptical, analytical, politically-correct, pluralistic, consumerist, post-modern world around you... except maybe the book that tells the account of the event and maybe the friends that have been to the party with you. Fear starts to grab a hold of you, but then the gift kicks in the very moment you ask for help and you realize that it’s not your job to convince anyone – they’ve got to experience it for themselves in their own time, when their hearts are willing to accept the greatest gift of all... In the meantime, though, you can use your story to encourage others to eventually accept this ongoing birthday invitation one day.

Filled with joy, love, hope and peace, you begin to adjust, settle down, breathe more deeply than you ever have, meet others where they are at in their journeys, graciously forgive the past, confidently embrace the future, and learn to use your gift in the ways your divine hosts intended... All thanks to the immaculate birth of Divinity in the flesh, the sacrificial death of this perfect Son, and the spiritual Advocate that followed as a result.

What an amazingly joyous celebration for everyone! And a very happy birthday to God FOR us! Thanks to the hosts & their baby boy for inviting us, for drawing us in, for hosting us, for providing for us, for joining us, for walking on earth amongst us, for connecting us all, ... and for so much more than we can fathom.

a light in the dark

2007-12-15T04:30:00.001-05:00

Overwhelmed by this profound journey of faith, broken more times than I can count, humbled by Christ's unrivaled & unconditional compassion for the entire world, and marveled by my expanding concept of who/what God really is, I am emerging from the darkness, stepping into his light, seeking him (even though he's been seeking me all along), and being transformed by the Advocate...

“in the dark” : the absence of physical light... not fully knowing, not clearly seeing, scary, cut off from the rest of the world... cold, blinded, hidden, confused, lost, isolated, alone, gloomy, morbid, clouded, vulnerable, shameful, a result of selfishness... often helpless, frightened, desperate, miserable, terrified, panicked, seemingly hopeless... a breeding ground of fear & anxiety which causes us to exaggerate and distort reality... and an eternal death.

“in the light” : in plain view, clear as day, safe, assurance, an awakening, unconcealed astonishment... warm, revealed, found, connected, illuminated, enlightened, knowledgeable, confident... evidence of true HOPE... an incredible, complex combination of color as seen in a rainbow... and an eternal life through atonement.

Now, this blog entry is by no means intended to over-emphasize, dramatize or exploit the negative, the despair and the darkness of the world; rather, I want to highlight the positive, the hope and the light that is possible in every situation (only through the gift of a personal relationship with him).

So this is my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... as of India anyway.

We spent our last day in India visiting the Mother Teresa sites in Kolkata (her tomb in the Mother House, her home for children, and her home for the sick & dying). After spending six long weeks traveling throughout this chaotic country, I felt especially moved by her obedience, her devotion & her perseverance in the midst of the darkness, poverty, sickness, starvation, filth & hopelessness found in Kolkata and scattered throughout India... In fact, one of the many things that I learned from our visit at the Mother House was that she learned to embrace and love the darkness because it drew her closer to God, closer to understanding Christ’s experience on Earth & his unfathomable passion of sacrifice on the cross, and closer to piercing through the darkness of human suffering by sharing his light with the world. What a profound testimony of faith and hope! Like Gandhi's "be the change you want to see in the world," Mother Teresa's life inspired me to be the light I want to see in the darkness of the world, to love as Christ loved us (even while surrounded by darkness), and to try not to let the "darkness" ever consume me, drag me down or distract me from seeing his "divine intent" in others.

We arrived in Thailand (8 Nov) just in time to attend an incredibly spirit-filled conference in the one of the most perpetually disturbing cities I've ever visited: Pattaya -- the prostitution capital of the world. This seedy place gave us a stark reminder of just how much the "darkness" grips and consumes the world (namely the sexual tourists, their SE Asian concubines/"bar girls"/prostitutes, and all the individuals effected by this chosen or *pressured* lifestyle). Not surprisingly, the government isn't insistent about putting an end to this terrible tourist industry because it directly benefits the economy... To top it all off, the superficial glamour, the desperate income, the temporary security, and the hopeless wealth all feed the sex trade and make these sexual slaves search for "salvation" in all the wrong places (like in rich white foreigners)... *Unfortunately, families often pressure their youth into the sex trade in order to increase their income & status, especially when they see their neighbors' daughters bring back a lot of foreign money from Pattaya.* It's a vicious cycle, but there IS hope... there's always hope... After leaving the majestical haven of a conference, we visited two ministries doing amazing work in the slums, on the streets, in the bars and now in the surrounding villages with the people effected by this sexual tourism. Little by little, individual by individual, Christ is using the women & new disciples from these ministries to pierce through the darkness that tries to make Pattaya seem hopeless.

Cambodia just recently survived a very very dark period of their history, one in which the Khmer Rouge killed nearly 2 million people (about 1/4 of the population), 1975-1979 & beyond. Defensive national sentiments still persist along side a desperation for hope (especially in the form of capitalism, animism & ancient Hindu-influenced Buddhist religiosity), but they don't directly admit it or reveal their true feelings. (This "concealing" tendency seems to be a cultural trait, but the political regime also suppressed them for so long that they just don't communicate openly.) In fact, despite the more noticeable language & cultural barriers for us (which often leaves us "in the dark"), we've noticed that many Indochinese people initially come across as very polite, passive and non-confrontational (especially in order to please their foreign visitors), but very quickly (sometimes without notice or maybe at the smallest misunderstanding) their pent up aggression can explode & become hostile. Then they hold onto these hardened feelings & misconceptions until the other party humbly and submissively takes the blame... It's very challenging to work through the language barrier and cultural sensitivity issues when this emotion gets out of control, but fortunately God sustained our spirits and gave us the strength, wisdom & peace to humbly wade through the manure of a couple sticky situations there. After processing these personal experiences, I feel more confident and assured that the Spirit's peace can work through us (in spite of us), and I feel more connected to the living God who makes all of us more capable of forgiving, loving, extending kindness, respecting others, and unifying in him as one body with many parts... Now, I can't explain the apparent absence of God's light during the genocide that occurred here or anywhere else in the world for that matter (it's one of my biggest questions for God, especially after visiting Tuol Sleng & the Killing Fields), but the closest I have come to understanding it for myself is that this darkness was a direct cause of people trying to take matters into their own hands and using their "free will" to "play God" for their own selfish desires. When all of this happens without the light of God's will & blessing, the darkness prevails, fear spreads, and humans reek havoc... Thus proving that there's no firm foundation on Earth without God's truth to support it. Actually, I'm just now discovering that the more I acknowledge & attribute to God, the more firm his foundation becomes through the intricate pattern of his creation -- life.

Continuing our travels through Thailand again, we picked up Heather's boyfriend in Bangkok and headed south. The most notable differences down the west coast of the peninsula (versus Eastern Thailand) are the higher costs, the steadier stream of tourists (not during the monsoon seasons) and the emotional, mental & physical effects of the Tsunami (Dec 04), which wiped away everything completely -- businesses, homes, lives and hope. The only thing people really had to fall back on was tourism. Fortunately, there is an increasing popularity of eco-tourism and community development excursions, but some people still wear a sort of superficial "tourist" mask of pleasantries & adventure packages which hide the thick under layer of darkness here. (Not to mention that most tourists either don't care or can't dig too deep into the emotional trauma due to their language barriers, limited holiday itineraries and inability to commit, invest or relate to them.) Nobody really talks in depth about this hidden layer of darkness, but we've managed to learn a bit about it through keen observation and blessed conversations. The source of this unstable layer (throughout Asia) includes pluralistic spiritualism, avid religiosity toward ancient folklore, sensible way-of-life philosophies without a true promise of hope, feel-good superstitious practices of "security" (like scarecrows to keep away bad spirits or spirit houses to "house" good spirits around the home or business)... and then more specifically here on the west coast of Thailand: festivals of "purification" (whereby people call on spirits to possess them & then they voluntarily stab themselves to prove that these embodied spirits "protect" them), fortune tellers (predicting the next Tsunami to hit 23 Dec), and a traumatized karma (which locals blame as the reason the Tsunami hit there in the first place)... But there IS hope. In fact, there is supposedly more hope for the people now than there was before the Tsunami: more NGOs, more relief aid, more skills trainings from outside groups, more local empowerment, more care for one another, and more room for God's light to shine.

Overall, the major elements of my transformation include hearing people's stories, surviving India with an unexplainable peace, songs like The Potter's Hands and In Christ Alone, finishing Dangerous Wonder, talking everything over with Heather, reading the rather objective daily devotional My Utmost for His Highest*, reading The Bible with a new vision, accepting his truth, and praying... *In fact, the devotional reading the other day (12 Dec) was particularly inspiring:

When love, or the Spirit of God strikes a man, he is transformed, he no longer insists upon his separate individuality [...] If you give up your right to yourself to God, the real true nature of your personality answers to God straight away. Jesus Christ emancipates the personality, and the individuality is transfigured, the transfiguring element is love, personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the outpouring of one personality in fellowship with another personality.

This was my transformation. Now I can more easily locate the Spirit of God within me for others. I can practice patience more readily. I feel more at peace with my natural self. I've healed. I've died and been reborn... And only I can testify to it because it's my story, my experience, my journey, my process and my metamorphosis... Everyone has their own process of discovering what piece of God's image they're made in & made for... I'm still trying to figure out my piece, but I'm closer than I ever have been.

I know it'll be a constant struggle, though. It's as if my soul is in a lifelong tug-of-war, and just because I've decided to accept & trust God doesn't mean that I'm some kind of superhero. I'm just as susceptible as the next person to physical pain, emotional distress, mental anguish, worldly desires, sudden miscommunication, fear, anger, depression, etc... but now I understand my process of letting go and letting God work it all out in & through me. It's not by my doing; it's by his doing through my being... All the more reason we need to love, support & embody the light for each other in the dark, rather than taking matters into our own hands by trying to "do" God's job... a job too great for us. After all, we are human "beings" not human "doings".

india: a culture too complex to capture

2007-11-02T04:42:00.001-04:00

every state has its own culture, its own customs, its own food, its own landscape, and even its own language. only the dress, the family tradition, the cultural festivals and the age-old rituals unite them. in fact, even though Hindi is the national language (with English being a close runner-up), many people don't know more than their local language... this makes a sense of nationalism rather difficult, let alone possible for one administration to govern... as reflected by recent conflicts between the national government pushing industrialization & Progress (probably out of desperation due its debt to the World Bank) and the landless farm-workers & Marxist-led people marching on Delhi (or protesting in Kolkatta) in order to stand up for their rights, their freedom, their land and their heritage amidst encroaching globalization. (as one Indian told us, "where there isn't any running water or electricity, you'll still find coke, pepsi, cellphones and hints of a decaying family structure"... and, yes, walmart is on its way here too.)

yesterday, Heather and I visited a national monument/museum of India's Nobel Prize winner, Rabindranath Tagore (who inspired me to get back to my writing)... leading the country in its own Renaissance movement at the turn of the 20th century, he paved the way to creatively and peacefully take back & save their culture from being corrupted by western influences, which people had begun "following blindly"... we need more leaders like him today! because even though he (& his good friend Gandhi) left India with an incredible legacy of peaceful resistance and a stronger sense of heritage (in fact, one of his poems is now their national anthem), there is still an implicit extreme pressure and national sentiment to strive hard for success. (i'm not sure where it comes from exactly, but it's one of the biggest moral problems that Indians claim to have here... if you come home from school with an 88% on a test, and your parents will scold you for not doing better.)

unfortunately, many people throughout the underdeveloped and developing world are still following the example of the West -- blindly... reflecting on what the West is offering the world, i ask myself:

"Do we want the world to follow our poor example? What are we telling the world by disrespecting our elders, by neglecting our children, by supporting a wasteful & consuming society, by devoting so much importance to a media that demoralizes the human heart, by living up to the title 'fast food nation', by fearing the unknown, by playing the 'us' versus 'them' card all the time, by self-righteously fighting "terror" or by endorsing war in the 'name of God' (i.e. using a religious platform for a political agenda)? What example are we setting for the world?"

since everyone looks up to us, i am seriously worried about what this world is coming to... thank God that the world's salvation is not my burden to bare, and thank God i have the privilege & rational mind to understand that.

______________________________

so, we've been in India nearly 6 weeks now, and we've managed to survive, namely by:

• tuning-out the annoyances (like the obsessive horn-honking and the hovering, nearly-glaring, curious onlookers),
• being ever so patient with the differences (like endless interrupting questions & over-insistence to eat, buy, hire, give, sit, say something, stay, and not cleanup after yourself... hoping to leave you with a good enough impression to hurry back),
• admiring the cultural richness (like the religious diversity)
• and staying true to ourselves...

in fact, it's an interesting challenge to think about and seek to understand the complexity of it all without reacting to anything... constantly humbling myself, quietly observing, respectfully asking questions, non-judgementally listening, dissolving mental & emotional boundaries, and still expanding my comfort zone.

one very important part of this process (through every culture) requires that we suspend our opinionated logic long enough to carefully understand the differences in the logic here.

take the environment, for example. while you might find people habitually dropping their trash wherever (which accumulates everywhere fast), Indians are not at all wasteful. (seems ironic, doesn't it?) they limit their consumption, they recycle by creatively reusing, they use water instead of toilet paper (for the most part), they depend on public transportation or they use minimum-waste vehicles (trains, auto- or cycle-rickshaws, bicycles, buses, motorcycles), and there is a growing number of environmental & public health NGOs that are beginning to make a remarkable difference here.

next, take arranged marriages. from what i understand, the ideal arranged-marriage is one where families very carefully select life-partners for their children (through a series of "profile" exchanges, reference checks, personal interviews and then a vote by the groom-to-be), then the couple grows to love each other over time (establishing a committed partnership), and then the two wedded families are equally held accountable for the success of the marriage. if something goes wrong, they have their two families to support them. (supposedly in a love-marriage, they don't have that kind of support, because the families aren't to blame for the success of your relationship.) ... of course, this doesn't always happen this way. for example, some families still "marry off" their children for money -- illegally practicing the dowry system of arranged marriages whereby the bride's family "pays off" the groom's family to ensure good care of their daughter, who usually doesn't have any choice or say in the matter. (although, this is changing a little bit now in major cities.)

so what about the overt subordination, exploitation and submission of women? for example, the wife is expected not to eat with her family or husband at a meal but to serve them only. also, most women are often blatantly excluded from debates, discussion and decision-making... yeah, so, i'm still trying to figure that one out.

finally, take religious diversity & cultural sensitivity. one interesting common sentiment here is that everyone claims to have a religious tolerance of each other. while this theory is practiced in an initial, superficial, welcoming sort of way, it is definitely not always practiced on a deeper level between folks... even still, it permeates into the culture in the form of religious/cultural festivals, tourism, commercialism, and media. for example, as one woman recently reminded us, Hinduism is a more of a way of life than a religion: they get up early, do their yoga, light their candle & incense, say their prayers, work hard, respect others and stay faithful to "their god." (note, she did not say "gods" because she's a devotee to Krishna; however, she also said that she still believes in and prays to Jesus.) from what i understand, there is a sense of security in this type of pluralistic way of thinking, believing & living, so you'll find hints of it everywhere with every god or guru represented... the bottom line is that Hinduism is so much a part of the culture, the society, the tradition & the dress (even the bindis and the sarees) that anything else is not truly Indian. in fact, now you'll find all Indians (regardless of their religion of choice) practicing these age-old Hindu customs.

which brings me to another part of Indian logic that i still can't fully grasp: the culturally- and psychologically-ingrained Hindu legacy of the caste system (i.e. religious intolerance via social hierarchy)... at the very bottom of which you'll find Christians (below the "untouchables") and at the very top of which you'll find upper-eschelon Hindu priests... in fact, here's an interesting picture of what Christians face in this country:

... in India, becoming a Christian isn't just a case of crying 'hallelujah' and digging Jehovah instead of Siva and his henchmen, it's a case of voluntarily ostracising yourself from society. Hindus reject those of their faith who switch to another: after all, you are born a Hindu and will die a Hindu, and that's all there is to it.

i couldn't have said it better... except to add that Christians are the minority (only about 3% of the entire population), so their faith is that of a set of true & liberated survivors -- humbly & lovingly battling all odds against an overwhelming & oppressing society... and knowing that everyone is equal at the foot of the cross.

india: impressions

2007-10-13T06:15:00.001-04:00

Two and a half weeks in India. Only four more to go. Adjustment* takes half the time, so hopefully Exploration will take the other half. Trouble is: we don't have enough time to venture very far from the major cities that we have contacts in (Mumbai, Kochi, Chennai, Bangalore, Delhi, and Kolkata). Hopefully, we'll still plan a day trip to Mysore, a few days up near Mussoorie & Dehradun, and a small getaway in West Bengal.

[* to the unique culture, the engulfing heat & humidity, the rushing hectic pace of the city, the nail-biting & horn-honking kamikaze traffic, the wonderfully spicy & distinctly flavorful food, the somewhat invasive inquisitiveness of seemingly impatient/distracted people (that don't always wait for you to fully answer their questions before they ask another one or try to finish your thought for you)... and so much more.]

Nevertheless, thanks to our incredible hosts and new friends in Kalyan (a Mumbai suburb), in Ernakulum (a commercial district adjacent to Kochi), in Vazhakulam (a "pineapple city" in rural Kerala), and now in Chennai, we've managed to survive gracefully, adjust rapidly, breathe a little more deeply, eat wholesomely, see a lot locally (especially by moto & on local transport), and learn more directly from the contemporary culture.

Therefore, even though this visit is only a short introduction to the second most-populous country in the world, I can still mention some notable impressions and interesting observations about this place...

First, I must say, India is everything "they" say it is and more... Hot, humid, hectic, holy, overly hospitable, and always in a hurry... Aromatic, savory, spicy and sanctified... Seemingly chaotic, crowded, colourful, confident, constantly moving, and consecrated by all those who “believe” in some higher power. In fact, I remember someone saying, “If you’re not religious, you’ll find religion in India.” Even if only referring to the faith that you absolutely must have to survive the traffic here, it seems like everyone depends on their faith in order to survive even their own world. Religiosity is nearly a requirement of the culture.

Now, some other random bits of India for you, before we move on from here and before I give up on updating this blog altogether:

• Indians are generally so warm, welcoming, friendly, helpful, and insistent that you stay and/or keep eating... unlike most Americans who are quick to judge and discriminate against them.
• (as mentioned) incessant curiosity & inquisitiveness; everyone wants to know everyone else's business or story or testimony, asking how you like it, what you think, how it's different, if you like the (spicy) food (assuming you don't or can't take it as a foreigner); they watch your every move (even how you eat); sharing information with each other about you... it's rather nerve-wracking sometimes.
• everyone is in a rush and programmatic -- they want to know your every move, every plan, hopes, visions, where you've been, where you're going... everything starts on time (mirroring their excellent train system). crowds push like mad to try to get on the train and fight to get off.
• like Madagascar, traffic flows organically, like a river or like a herd of cattle. autos, motos, bicyclists and pedestrians all squeeze through. drivers are all confident of not hitting each other. bus drivers are the craziest and most bold.
• safety is not an issue in most places. for example, no one wears seatbelts and motorcyclists don't wear helmets (even though it's now against the law, it's not generally enforced). in fact, many times families of four will all pile on one bike together: small child in front, then the father, and finally the mother riding side-saddle at the back with her smaller child in hand... no one wearing a helmet.
• bodily functions are quite open and excepted in public -- no shame, no embarrassment, no reservations, no pardons necessary. for example, folks without amenities relieve themselves wherever there's a spot to squat -- along the train tracks, off the coastline, in a field or an abandoned lot -- bucket of water in hand... burbs and farts are the same.
• grime and mold stream down patchworked buildings which are sealed to prevent leaks (along the Mumbai local train route).
• trash everywhere and no one seems to have a second thought about littering.
• "wild" domesticated animals freely roam the streets between traffic: hundreds of dogs (in Mumbai especially), monkeys of the side of the road on the way up to Pune, goats, roosters, an elephant and camels (probably for tourists), and hundreds of cows meandering on the roads or pulling carts alongside everyone else.
• shoes off before entering any home and/or sacred place.
• women wear sarees or shawls over their head during prayer time.
• spiritual leaders are roles reserved for men.
• ritualistic & seemingly monotonous prayer, mosques sound their time to pray, temples have schedules for non-Hindus, idols everywhere (Hindu & Catholic alike)
• the wobbly-head thing that everyone does in agreement with what you're saying (not to be confused with shaking their head in disagreement).
• never put your mouth directly on the opening of a bottled-drink (namely water) so you can hygienically share it with others; instead, pour it into your mouth a gulp at a time.
• everyone eats with their right hand and wipes with their left hand (using only a sprayer next to the toilet or a small bucket of water), even though you wash your hands before and after eating (most homes have a separate, common-use sink for such purposes); we decided that we preferred using toilet paper instead.
• all woman wear beautiful, colorful and sometimes rather ornate dresses or sarees (wraps); while many men can look quite shabby or simple, wearing lungis or dhothis (wrapped skirts, like sarongs), that look like diapers when they tuck the bottom edge to into the top when it's hot.

There is so much more, but I won't ever post this if I don't stop here.

"how do you find it here?"

2007-09-26T06:45:00.001-04:00

just a quick note to report that we've made it to Mumbai, India, and we're staying with my friend Manju's uncle's pastor's family just outside the city in Kalyan. heather is trying to recover from a stomach bug (picked up in Madagascar, we think), and i'm getting over another small sinus cold... while both of us are managing to adjust to the extreme humidity (relative to southern Africa but not to where we're headed further south in India).

we're also eating glorious food prepared by the pastor's wife, Gracey, and trying to catch up a bit on emails at a nearby cybercafe before we head back "home," past a drum ensemble celebrating the end of a recent idol-worshipping Hindu holiday: Ganesh Cathurthi (the elephant-headed god of prosperity and wisdom is immersed in the sea in a ritual "originally promoted by freedom-fighters to circumvent British anti-assembly legislation" (Rough Guide 2005).

tonight we're going to a "prayer meeting" (type of house-worship) and then to a dinner (around 10 pm!) with Manju's precious family... by Monday, we'll head down the west coast (maybe by way of a coastal route) to Cochin/Kochi.

one interesting note is how inquisitive Indians are (even our hosts' neighbor commented on that)... only 2.5 days into our stay in India, and everyone is already asking us how we like it, how it's different, if we're accustomed to eating with our hand (right only), etc...

if only, "mora mora" (slowly, slowly)

2007-09-22T17:23:00.001-04:00

Eleven days is not nearly enough time to learn about, let alone adjust to a place, but I think it might just barely be enough time to get a small taste of the life, culture & incredible biodiversity here in Madagascar... Fortunately, we managed to have a somewhat diverse experience, given the short time and our limited funds, but unlike many foreigners who come here on holiday or on business, we did not spend all kinds of money to go on expensive tours, rent 4x4s, hire personal drivers, trample (too much) along the increasingly trodden tourist path between all the amazing national parks and pristine beaches, invest in the world's largest production of vanilla, or strip the land of its plethora of precious gems, metals and other natural resources... Instead, we stayed with 2 different families in the nation's capital (Antananarivo, or “Tana”), we met up with a few incredible Peace Corps volunteers, we packed into several very tight and deteriorating “taxi-brousses” (the public transportation much like the minivan-type buses of Mozambique, Malawi and South Africa, only they generally they board from the rear door), we took a short “vacation” in the glorious bungalows of Hotel Feon'ny Ala (or "song of the forest") outside of Andasibe (between Tana and the east coast), and we hiked through rain forests of Analamazaotra, Mitsinjo and Parc aux Orchidees (home to much more than the 6 lemur species, 3 gecko species, 5 bird species, 1 snake species, 2 spider species, 2 beetle species and 8 wild orchid species that we saw).

This quick pace and little time in each place is one of my biggest challenges in trying to keep up this blog. Aside from our rather limited access to cyberspace, I don't always know what to say and what not to say about a given place. As a cultural anthropologist at heart, I'm afraid of making any grandiose generalizations about a group of the people or painting such a minute picture of a particular landscape, especially since our experiences are so limited...

Unfortunately, though, that's the nature of this trip — we just don't have enough time to stay put... Nevertheless, I think we're still getting a good global perspective. Thanks to our hosts (e.g. missionaries, old friends, new friends, 2nd/3rd/4th degree friends, random other contacts), to the means by which we're introduced to them (e.g. Heather's call to do youth ministry, our online research, gracious passers-by, friends and family) and to our God-given ability to keep our eyes, ears and hearts open to the world around us.

Speaking of which, I suppose the only picture I can paint includes my first and lasting impressions of this place... even though I risk defining a place by the 2% I've seen:

• The Malagasy don't regard themselves as Africans, per se, but rather as "island people" -- both in culture and in attitude. They are extremely polite and kind-hearted, but they are somewhat reserved. "Politeness in general is very important[...], and impatience or pushy behaviour is regarded as shocking" (Lonely Planet 2004). We've noticed that men seem to help out a little more than in the other African nations we've visited, and the women are mostly seen as the dynamic force in the society.
• Extremely tight streets, alleyways, parking spaces and traffic "lanes" with virtually no fear of hitting something or being hit, and no city planning other than the feudal-like placement of the Queen's Palace overlooking all her town's people and their decreasingly scattered rice fields around Tana.
• Hints of a declining European culture and architecture (mostly French) like terraces, hanging plants, shudders, steep-shingled roofs, cobble stone streets, and excessive cigarette smoking... amid obvious elements of a severely underdeveloped nation (one of the poorest standards of living in Africa), like simple wooden shacks with tin roofs, some menial subsistence farming, a desperation to sell anything and everything on the street, a need to fit in the most you can pack in before going anywhere (otherwise you could wait hours to leave)... and so much more.
• Not a single functioning streetlight in the nation's capital -- all traffic (auto, bike, foot, rickshaw, ox cart, zebu and wheelbarrow) just flows, and everyone moves in cooperation with each other -- yielding, sneaking in and stopping occasionally (or when there's a rarely seen traffic cop).
• Everything "touristy" is 200x more expensive for non-natives, probably because their average income is only US$250 per year.
• All Malagasy adoptions are currently on hold because of a recently-uncovered scandal of people overseas trafficking children's organs on the blackmarket of medicine.
• Famadihana: a ceremonial exhumation and reburial of dead relatives every 2 to 7 years in the highlands region... the stone door of a family tomb is opened and one by one the corpses are brought out of the tomb, wrapped in straw mats and danced above the heads joyfully. The bodies are re-wrapped in pristine white burial scarves, sprayed with perfume and meticulously labelled by name with felt-tip pens... Joyous music and celebration is followed by solemn and quiet memorial before dancing around a bit more with the bound bodies and laying them to rest in the tomb again.

Well, there's so much more I could say, but I'm too tired to think anymore right now and I've got to get packed and ready to leave for India tomorrow.

south africa: a complex rainbow nation

2007-09-11T10:38:00.001-04:00

in just 6 weeks, we've visited the 3 most populous areas of south africa (joburg/pretoria, durban/pietermartizburg, cape town/stellenbosch) as well as some stretches by land between places... however, in good-old-fashion-hope style, i'm just now posting something (as we're leaving for the next leg of our trip into madagascar), because i'm still wrapping my head around it all... there are so many misconceptions, misperceptions and interesting complexities about this "dark continent" and about this 1st-world/3rd-world collision known as South Africa that it would take a lifetime to unravel and explain them all... so i'll just name a few that come to mind.

the streets of johannesburg are not paved with gold, but during the gold rush in the late 1800s many fortune seekers streamed into the country thinking that they'd find gold as well as a new and better way of life... today, the influx of immigrants hasn't ceased. people come from all over sub-Saharan Africa, especially from the neighboring countries like the economically distraught country of Zimbabwe, seeking a new beginning.

the result: "a robust blend of nations, races, cultures and languages"* which give South Africa its unique character, incredible complexity and persevering energy.

on the other hand: the grass may seem greener, but it's definitely not equipped to serve the needs of the millions crossing over. these and other "hopefuls" do, sell, hand out or beg for whatever they can on the streets, but many of those who cannot escape poverty (or grips of their vices) turn to violent crime. in fact, almost everyone in johannesburg either directly knows someone or they themselves have been victims of violent crime... it's no wonder joburg is known as one of the world's capitals of violent crime.*

another "developmental" paradox can be found in striking division between races and socio-economic classes here... as a result of colonization and then the inhumane suppression of non-whites. for example, "[historically,] slums were seen by many in white society as giving rise to a multitude of evils. they 'detribalised' black people and denationalised & 'deracialised' the white population. for whites, mixing was supposed to lead to physical, mental and moral degeneration..." this misconception inevitably set the stage for apartheid ("a system of segregation or discrimination of grounds of race in force in South Africa" 1948-1991, Apartheid Museum).

thankfully, segregation is no more and this division is dissipating, but the psychological and spiritual scars run deep... as do the physical scars. in other words, the physical division remains intact in many places because most non-whites have no choice (economically) but to continue living in the shantytowns they were forced to live in the first place. [heather and i spent some time visiting with folks in the following townships: soweto of johannesburg, soshanguve of pretoria, haniville of pietermartizburg, kayamandi of stellenbosch and mbekweni of paarl.] with little to no infrastructure, fires continually break out among shacks and people attempt to protest but still lose everything.

this is just one example of this 1st-world/3rd-world collision in south africa, but the list could go on and on... to include discouraging and ill-fated news of their alcoholic and kleptomaniac minister of health, their ex-deputy president "showering to avoid HIV"* or the deterioration of values due to incessant unemployment, drug/alcohol abuse, sexual violence and blatant inequality in schools*... watch the short south african TV series Yizo Yizo for a provocative depiction of urban youth in townships today.

on a lighter note…

2007-09-11T09:33:00.001-04:00

some random findings:

in joburg in particular, shopping malls are used as geographical landmarks, entertainment sources and grocery outlets. people refer to their location in relation to the nearest mall. parking isn’t free at most of them. and there are always “parking attendants” to look after your car and to help you pull out of your parking space (for a small tip usually)…

if there is a TV (in a less affluent home), it’s almost always on in the background or your hosts will turn it on because they think you want to watch it…

traffic drives on the left, and you can’t turn left on red…

vegetables are not considered part of a balanced meal…

fruits & veggies (in bulk) must be weighed & priced before leaving the produce department of a grocery store. otherwise, the cashier will either send you back or ask the bagger to do it for you. so it’s easier to take the pre-packaged ones... also, plastic grocery bags aren’t free…

“bunni chow,” a well-known south-african-indian dish, is merely a half (or a quarter) loaf of bread hollowed out for a curried stew.

some “coloureds” (mulattos) in the western cape consider it beautiful to have their two front teeth pulled…

as whites, we were often mistaken as afrikaaners, but we just smiled and shrugged our shoulders…

no alcohol is legally sold after store hours, except for at bars and restaurants. if you want to buy some as “take away” (or “to go”), you go to a “she-been” (or unlicensed bar in someone’s house)…

since the law enforcement is so corrupt, cameras have been installed along the highways to automatically issue a ticket (sent in the mail with your photo) if you exceed the speed limit. in fact, in some cases, the cameras will average your speed between more than one location, and if you speed anywhere along the way, you’ll get a ticket for arriving at your destination sooner than you should have following the speed limit…

there are no safety standards for playgrounds or for a child’s car seat…

environmental consciousness is virtually non-existent, because there is little to no infrastructure in most areas to support it (like recycling, trash disposal, public trash cans or even private ones in many places). instead, people might pile it up and burn it… along the same lines, these fires (as well as slash & burn ones) are so common that they often turn wild—forming rings that light up the mountain sides and producing huge billows of smoke that fill the sky.

... there are so many more quirks in south africa, but we've moved on to madagascar now so i'm busy taking in its culture at the moment... the bottom line about south africa is that it's very much like the US, only it's in africa.

evolution & constant challenges of spirit

2007-09-02T10:59:00.002-04:00

evolution: "a process of gradual, peaceful, progressive change or development..."; "a motion incomplete in itself, but combining with coordinated motions to produce a single action..." LIFE

everyday is full of unplanned adventure, profound conversations and spiritual & intellectual challenges, and every moment is part of an evolution of my mind and faith... so, since i'm finding it difficult to capture it in a story or moment in time, i will merely list the series of recent events (in South Africa) in my journey of faith.

• heartbreak: letting go of the past

• theophostics session with cecile: uncovering and forgiving my past through prayer, finding a completeness in God

• nieu communities: intentional living, getting to know God, creating relationships as ministry, and finding some peace

• networking: God-incidentally (not coincidentally), we're discovering an incredible web of new friends and family... beginning with meeting our new south african friend karien murray at iSight (an EPC mission church in Black Mountain, NC) a week before we left the States. through her we've thankfully met so many others:
-her sister & brother-in-law (Joburg) -> SAAWE -> Kids Games -> SCAS & ISLS (Stellenbosch) -> 60 beautiful people involved in sports ministry from 30 different countries all over the world;
-colin, retief and alycia from 13th Floor (Pretoria)
-her brother & sister-in-law -> an inner-city mission to love and listen to Durban's homeless

• God continues to use us in so many other ways to plant seeds of hope, to love unconditionally, to give time and attention to everyone, and to connect new people we meet with people that we've already met along the way.

• challenged by privilege vs pain, blessing vs circumstance, faith vs fearful discrimination, humility vs stubborn pride/arrogance

• films: beat the drum and shooting dogs... pain and sacrifice

• question: where is God in suffering, disease, genocide, poverty, oppression and unfounded prejudice? how could it be in God's will that all this exist?

• walk in the light: truly feeling the presence of God (from the moment we arrived until the moment we said goodbye), hearing God speak to me through prayer and in conversation with their leaders, then directly confronted with (and challenged by) the reality of SO MANY Africans -- AIDS... Heather describes our experience on her blog.

(then a small break to catch my breath in Cape Town...)

• film: faith like potatoes

• cultural sensitivity training at the International Sports Leadership School in stellenbosch: experiencing God... and also discussing the barriers to knowing God? -- historical (and recent) oppression, the first missionaries, the crusades, the war, the institution of the church, the misperception that Christ is "western God," pluralism, and the caste system (i.e. Christians fall below the "untouchables" in India), among innumerous obstacles... how could anyone (including me) overcome these obstacles?

• attending a memorial of a seventeen-year-old girl who was raped and murdered just two weeks before, friends & family sing Xhosa gospel songs, question: again where is God in this tragedy?, epiphany: many more people will be moved by the Spirit stirring in and around this memorial, than there will be lost by her death.

• AIDS is an unfathomable problem: pride & shame are huge issues, men don't want to use protection, women have no say in the matter, morals are lost, families don't talk about it, people just say it's a "sickness" without discussing the causes, preventions or realities of it, people don't want to test because they'd rather live in ignorance, even those people who get as far as receiving medication have trouble taking the meds on a consistent basis... there are no boundaries, especially amid fatalistic circumstances (watch beat the drum and read 28: stories of AIDS in africa by Stephanie Nolen)

• aftermath of apartheid (or "murder" as someone told us today): racial prejudice is rampant and ingrained in the culture, White vs. Black vs. Asian (mostly Indian) vs. "Colored" (south Africa's label for "mixed race"), the government went from white supremacy to black superiority but continues to deny the gravity of this recent history as well as the rights of "coloreds" and asians... i can't claim to ever really understand fully, but it's extremely troubling to talk with people from each group and hear their stories, their fears, their misperceptions, their anger, their animosity, their hatred and their pain concerning each other.

• we are not alone, we are nothing alone -- there is always hope in God and in the profound completeness of Christ's love and sacrifice.

(finally, another small break to catch my breath and taste some wine at vineyards around Paarl...)

changes and nieu beginnings

2007-08-24T10:09:00.001-04:00

there’s nothing like a couple weeks of intense spiritual reflection — (re)ignited by emotional distress, broken by mental anguish, delayed by stubborn individualism, plagued by doubt, and then freed by love and confirmed by grace — to stun the soul and create writer’s block… thank God for Heather and her ability to continue capturing the story of our trip and of the amazing people that we’ve met along the way, because i’ve been busy trying to think through, understand, accept, trust and believe how everything fits together into this Process and precious gift called my life.

in fact, i knew this trip would be a journey of a lifetime, but i didn’t know how, where, when or why it would take me... i still don’t know completely, but that’s really what life is about —
a discovery of purpose and truth.

here are only a few elements of my recent journey and discovery:

• it takes a delicate balance to go on a journey like this with someone else, but Heather and I make a great team: accompanying each other on this adventure; caring for each other when sick; taking turns doing the wash, cleaning up, preparing food, carrying the day pack and explaining our trip to others; knowing each other’s strengths & weaknesses; lending each other an open ear and/or open arms when in need; and loving each other unconditionally and patiently… fortunately, as sisters and as each other’s best friend, we already know each other’s needs, desires, fears, habits and abilities, so it makes it easier to support each other in the ways that we need it most.

• nothing is in my control and nothing can be planned out the way i'd want it to be (as a logistical, organized, analytical project-manager type)... that's the nature of our trip, though. we don't know our every step; we only know one step at a time... and that's the way God designed it — to learn how to let go and have faith in the divine scheme of things... in others, in the circumstances, in the travel logistics, in the plan for where we're going & who we're meeting, in my past, in my present and in my future.

• life, love and growing in faith is about relationships, not about religion, doctrine, history or what society demands. i never want to stop learning this, but more recently, i've thought about it in conversation with folks at Tshwane Leadership Foundation (Pretoria), at Nieu Communities South Africa (at Pangani and in Soshanguve, near Pretoria), from 13th Floor (Pretoria), from Kids Games, at Walk in the Light (Haniville township, outside Pietermartizburg), at Africa Enterprise (innercity Pietermartizburg) and with Isinkwa Setheku (an innercity ministry to Durban's homeless)... and even in reflection from learning about David Heimann's pilgrimage for the Catholic church (even though we just barely missed him at Pangani).

can you see why i might feel overwhelmed? this has been a rollercoaster of a trip — physically and spiritually.

i stand corrected... it's out of respect

2007-08-12T18:45:00.001-04:00

before too long, i learned to accept being excitedly called “azungu” everywhere we went by smiling and responding with “ntu” (people). i mean, i can’t deny or hide the fact that i’m white, and it’s crippling to let guilt keep me from being happy, so why not return the cheerful greeting, right?

at the same time, though, it wasn’t as easy to accept any special treatment that we seemed to receive, like when we went out to Selengo and later to Mponela (2 rural villages, each with a Ministry of Hope feeding center for the orphans and vulnerable children). on both occasions, we (the visiting guests) were asked to sit in chairs and eat inside the office, rather than being able to eat outside with the children. as you might imagine, heather and i preferred to sit among the people instead of eating off on our own somewhere, but we quickly learned that it’s a sign of respect that all guests (no matter their origin) should sit and eat indoors… so, out of respect for our hosts, we did what was expected of us even though this “special” treatment made us uncomfortable.

there are a few interesting and noteworthy signs of respect, however, that we noticed, used and felt good about sharing with others. for example:
· you always greet each & every person in a particular setting by saying hello and asking how each person is (no matter how many people ask those same people before you).
· as you extend your right hand to shake someone’s hand (that you respect), your left hand holds your right forearm just in front of the elbow.
· if you pass by an elder (typically an elder woman who might be carrying stuff on her head) while walking along a path out in “the bush” or even through a rural village, you softly & repeatedly claps your hands as you ask how she is, in passing.
· if you need to speak with someone, you approach quietly and wait at a distance (perhaps even kneeling down) until you’re noticed by the requested party.
· “washing” your hands before a meal (especially since everyone eats with their hands): one of the hosts (typically the woman) pours a pitcher of water over each person’s hands and into a small basin.

then there are some interesting cultural norms that you might not expect, like:
· helping yourself to whatever food you want without asking
· showing up unannounced
· sweeping & mopping everything once or twice a day but then dumping everything in an open-air landfill in the backyard
· event-oriented schedules instead of time-oriented ones
· no response to a sneeze
· being quick to translate (in a public speech) but not necessarily quick to understand (one-on-one)(makes you wonder how much of the message was really relayed)
· road blocks for no apparent reason
· “airtime” sold in units for cellphones as well as land-lines
· free-range goats (galore!)
· public wedding announcements at church and on TV (because everyone’s invited to everyone’s wedding here)…

the list could go on and on, but i can’t. i’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

you don’t know what you don’t know.

2007-08-12T14:45:00.002-04:00

i can still see my 9th grade social studies teacher now (a short, older woman with a boisterous and wicked personality), narrowing her eyelids, shaking her little finger at us and continually repeating, “You all just don't know what you don't know.”

i always knew in my mind (and agreed) that what she warned us was true, but it’s always humbling to re-discover that fact first-hand, when you find that first perceptions of the unknown need to be constantly re-evaluated… in fact, that (re)discovery is exactly what this trip is about for me: an ever-evolving re-evaluating drastically-expanding positively-shaping challenging worldview.

actually, it’s quite a freeing experience to truly accept the fact that you don't know what you don't know, because that’s when you can lift the cloud of cynicism and develop enough cultural sensitivity to accept the differences without being critical or over analytical of them (or their social, political or historical contexts).

so by taking this huge leap into the unknown, i’m learning to look, listen, carefully ask questions, observe some more, trust God in this (my) Process, and keep myself in check when it comes to judging others for what they do (& why).

in fact, the more i (re)discover about this world around me, the more excited i get about being out in it, exploring it for myself, and taking full advantage of this incredibly unique opportunity… in fact, i refuse to let guilt (obligation, privilege), fear (the unknown), materialism (attachments, acquisition) or acceptance by others (and approval) be the driving forces behind what makes me do what i do… the only driving force that i want to accept is that unmeasurable, unexplainable, positive & personal urge that bubbles up from depths of my soul, aka God, and the love that controls it, aka divine will.

that’s why i do what i do… that’s why i’m on this trip… that’s what helps me accept the fact that i just don’t know what i don’t know.

the warm heart of Africa

2007-08-02T08:10:00.001-04:00

with a landmass only the size of Pennsylvania, Malawi cradles the third largest lake in Africa. most of the terrain we've seen (only in the Central region) is red dirt carpeted by dried grass and sprinkled with palms, fruit trees, huge baobab trees and other various deciduous trees that you might find in a semi-arid climate. in the rainy season, it's hot and the earth floods, and rural people who risk settling in the lower elevations lose everything -- their grey or red clay-brick homes with grass-thatched roofs, their goats or cattle, and their crops... right now, though, it's dry and quite mild in temperature.

i'm sure that just about any time of year, though, people of all ages are walking and riding their bikes all over the place. they fill both sides of the road, carrying all kinds of things on their bikes (like other people, boxes of goods, some new tin to patch up their roofs, bags of maize, or a string of recently killed chickens) or they carry things on top of their heads (like buckets of water, baskets of produce, or a stack of suitcases, to name a few)... in fact, on our way down to the lake last week for a youth retreat with the Ministry of Hope (MoH), i noticed that if folks along the road weren't trying to get somewhere, then they're hanging out with their friends, they're checking out other passers-by, they're helping to fix each others bikes at make-shift bike stands, or they're selling something along side other people selling the same thing (whether it's call time at "telephone booths," fairly used auto tires, hand-woven baskets, roasted mice on a stick, or corn in one town, potatoes in the next or tomatoes in the next) . it's as if the road is their social & commercial outlet in addition to being their avenue for transportation... it's amazing.

another amazing thing is that, amid other war-torn and pillaged countries in Africa, Malawi is known as "the warm heart of Africa." i think one reason this is the case is that its people are so friendly and overly hospitable. you can immediately sense it as everyone always formally greets each other with "hello, how are you?" ("muli bwanji?", "mazuka bwanji?" or "maswera bwanji?"). no matter how often you might meet someone, how many people might ask you in the same setting or whether you've already answered the question, you'll most definitely be greeted with one of these questions at the appropriate time of day... it's interesting because this formality seems to be one of the many cultural norms that might get lost in translation once it's introduced to someone who's not from here.

in fact, there are quite a few cultural phenomena here, all of which would be interesting to evaluate in terms of how they might have been lost in translation (among Malawians) after British colonialists tried to "civilize" their African society not long ago... for example, the immense respect for authority as well as all the formalities around "programming" agendas here, such as at the Ministry of Hope (MoH) Founders Celebration a few days after we arrived. it was wonderful to hear testimonies from a variety of the ministry's beneficiaries (i.e. two adoptive parents, a young man who survived hunger thanks to the one meal a day he received at one of the six MoH feeding centers, and a grandmother whose grandchild regained strength through the care & food provided at the Crisis Nursery); however, as each speaker respectfully thanked each "distinguished guest" and began almost every statement with "ladies and gentlemen," i wondered how they could be so formal while their culture seemed so informal, relaxed, and even quite disorganized at times... it's ironic.

the phenomena lies in the contradiction between people's actions and their attitudes toward organization (as well as their respect for authority). while there are times when folks are very particular about keeping a schedule, there are many more times when they don't seem to worry too much about it, especially when their livelihood or integrity don't depend on it... that's when things just happen on "African time"-- eventually or never.

another phenomenon is the fact that folks here, especially children, typically stare at us and excitedly call out "azungu, azungu" (white people)... then, if we smile and wave at them, they might smile and wave back, but generally they just stare and seemingly wait for us to do something which they tend to then mimic.(i wish i had a better picture, but taking photos is a cultural faux pas and sometimes potentially dangerous.)

as you might be able to imagine, this made me immediately question and over-analyze the causes for their wide-eyed curiosity and over-eager desire to be like us... this initial observation, coupled with my incessant guilt over the oppression for which my white ancestors may have been responsible, made me relapse for a short time into feeling bad about going on this trip... however, i decided once again to let go of that mental vice and embrace a new idea that could explain a very small part of this phenomenon. in conversation with our friend Yohane, i grew to understand one basic reason why kids here might be so eager to check us "azungu" out: that unlike their parents & elders, we come to them wanting to play & have fun rather than to discipline & rebuke them... not to mention that we're different and come from a place that they've only heard about and that they can only imagine/learn more by watching us.

i don't know that i can fully accept that explanation, but it sure helped me raise up the curtain of cynicism which covered my eyes and prevented me from spreading the peace and love i set out to share with the world.

waiting to leave camp

2007-08-02T08:07:00.001-04:00

take courage

2007-07-28T16:22:00.002-04:00

at the end of her two-and-a-half-month stay in Malawi, our new friend Brittany shared with us this very insightful quote from Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis (170), and since suffering (in its many forms) has been weighing quite a bit on my mind lately, i thought i'd share it here, too.

"Ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. It is what we all need -- hope that comes not from going around suffering but from going through it."

Maputo back to Joburg and onto Lilongwe

2007-07-19T20:00:00.001-04:00

whether it's serving at a ministry for boys that live on the street (as i mentioned previously) or it's visiting a small orphanage, school and community church outside of town (as we did our last day in Maputo), i suppose my perspectives, my world view, my critiques and my faith will be challenged throughout this trip... so i've decided to surrender to myself to the Present, soak in each incredible experience, enjoy the opportunities that arise on this journey, and learn to trust God in the Process... that's where my personal journal and reflecting comes in.

as for our time in Mozambique, it was short but very sweet. our North Carolina friend Lisa hooked us up with great contacts, wonderful experiences and an incredible place to stay (in an old portuguese-style mansion with missionaries henrick and madalena). heather describes our time there in great detail, but there a few other things worth mentioning...

like the morning that 2 police officers stopped us on the street to have a look at our passports. i was already stressed-out about our then unsecured travel plans to Malawi, so the last thing i wanted was to deal with government officials absconding our passports and/or wanting bribes in return (not that that would happen but a valid fear here nevertheless)... my heart raced as heather handed them over, and my mind busily conjured up a defense to pose in portuguese, if the situation would have turned to that... fortunately, it didn't, and the officers eventually gave our passports back to us. (we later found out that the gov't issued a new immigration policy, so non-nationals were being stopped & checked more frequently.)

then, there was our visit to the Maputo Central Market with matthais (a friend and fellow missionary of henrick). from the moment we arrived, we were inundated with offers from all kinds of people wanting to watch our car for us while we passed through the market or trying to sell us the goods that they carried with them (sunglasses, cologne, african tapestries, pineapples, magnets, pirated DVD movies). heather got a kick out of it, but i just got annoyed and felt much less likely to buy anything anyway...

the same sort of thing happened when we went to the Saturday morning craft market--a small square lined with beautiful Batik tapestries, wooden & soap-stone carvings, some jewelry and paintings, among other crafts, and bustling with capitalists and consumers a like. it was impossible to walk through without being invited to "come closer" or desperately offered "a very good price." lucky for heather, she didn't understand what they said; however, since i understood, i felt bad ignoring them or asking them to just let us browse the market in peace... again, i know for a fact that this scene is something we'll come across all over the world, so i better get used to it.

as for Maputo, according to a few of our new friends there, it is a very different city than it was just 7 years ago when the rainfall and flood waters almost completely covered all of Mozambique. before that, it was a simple town with little infrastructure (though the streets are still plagued with potholes) and less police enforcement (though crime is on the rise). during the flood relief, though, many people supposedly took advantage of the government's "open door" to the influx of goods & services, so in came TVs, cars and whatever people could get their hands on... from there, the city began to grow more steadily. although, there is still some reminisce of the portuguese colonization, like the language, the 2-kiss greeting or farewell, and the relaxed atmosphere... however, it's interesting to note that there are fewer white nationals and more derelict colonial architecture than you would find in the neighboring countries like South Africa or Swaziland, because when Mozambique declared independence, the portuguese supposedly just dropped everything and left the country... in fact, almost all the white folks you see there today either work for an NGO, serve as missionaries or stay for a short time as tourists.

anyway, on monday, we left in a hurry because we managed to catch a lift back to Joburg with some random missionary folks that we met through our host madalena... and, in Joburg, we stayed with some amazing 3rd-degree friends of heather's. through them (and truly by the grace of God), we made some more incredible contacts, most of whom we plan to connect with when we return from Malawi... and one of which had a huge impact on me when we sat in on a Bible study with them.

in the meantime, we've just arrived at the Ministry of Hope in Lilongwe (by plane and chauffer from the airport just before the president of Malawi arrived by his own jet and escort)... so it may take me a few days or so to sum up what it's like here... stay tuned.

on the move: Soweto to Maputo

2007-07-10T16:20:00.001-04:00

only 10 days into our journey and i still feel a little overwhelmed... by the travel logistics, by the safe-guarding/trusting of others, by the technological limitations (like no phone, no computer, no time online & plenty of internet cafe security restrictions uploading photos, etc)... and, most of all, by the "how to" record all the sights, sounds and smells of everything here... as an outsider, all i can do is observe and describe what i see on the surface, what i learn from others here (native and foreign), and what we are doing with our time. we don't have time to become socio-cultural experts everywhere we go, but i so desperately want to paint a mental picture of these places... i know my sister has done well to describe our comings and goings, so i don't want to have to repeat everything... i just hope i can fill in some of the blanks here.

soweto: "south western townships" of joburg, a.k.a., the area of town to where the Afrikaner gov't forced the black South Africans to move (into neighborhoods according to their native tribes) outside legally-designated white areas... watch Amandla! or read/watch The Power of One to get a small idea of what took place during apartheid.

highlights of our visit there: visiting with Mutodi's family, seeing where Nelson Mandela used to live, stopping in for a few beers at Georgie's (a local "shebeen" or unlicensed bar in the back of someone's house in Zone 1 of the Meadowlands), and hearing the choir practice & touring the Regina Mundi Church (center of the revolution against apartheid), where there are still bullet holes in the windows as well as a marble alter broken by the butt of police officer's rifle... the energy of this place was a little intense--positive but powerful. you could really feel it.

from joburg, we took a Greyhound bus east through the south african border to the mozambique border. thankfully greeted by our American friend Lisa and her co-worker, we got a ride to Maputo from there. for our first border crossing of the trip, it was a little chaotic (long lines out the door, everyone wanting to get through quickly, bustling immigration officers, local guys illegally trying to make some money by helping to expedite the immigration process for foreigners, kids selling cold beverages outside, customs agents looking through everything, buses with trailers, trucks, mini-buses (or "chapas") loaded with luggage, crazy traffic and seemingly little order to everything), but it went relatively smooth--thanks to our Greyhound "hostess" who guided us through it and told us exactly what to do... it was a little stressful (especially when we handed over our passports and I wasn't sure when/if we'd get them back), but we made it.

now in mozambique, it's been nice to use & practice my portuguese... especially for Heather's sake. on tuesday and wednesday, we hung out at a local church outreach for street boys (called Masana, or Light), where Heather facilitated some games like circle dodge ball, "follow the leader" and a blind-folded "trust walk." it was fun but it really challenged my perspectives around our trip again... i'll have to think about how to capture that all later, but my time online is about to run out.

landed in Joburg

2007-07-05T12:35:00.001-04:00

Stressed and scrambling until the very last minute, we finally made it to the CLT airport (thanks to our wonderful parents) and said our goodbyes. After we checked our luggage and went through security, I realized that I still had my nice camping knife on me. Fortunately, a nice TSA woman let me return to the United desk, whose attendants pulled and re-checked my luggage with the knife… Phew… Only in North Carolina… I sure learned my lesson. Good thing we got that out of the way.

Now, after an 18-hour journey, 2 glasses of wine, a viewing of the movie Amazing Grace, 2 decent airplane meals and a relatively restful evening on the flight, we’re finally in Joburg, South Africa. Heather’s friend Matodi picked us up, and he and his wife are graciously hosting us while we’re here. (Talk about a soft landing after jumping into the abyss of this trip... Thank God for friends.)

Anyway, besides being a little tired and jet-lagged, my first impressions are that this place reminds me so much of the Southern Brazil: the traffic, the street signs, the grassy & rocky slopes of the interior, the cool air, the smells of a clean house with a tiled floor or of petrol exhaust on the streets, the “advertisers” or street peddlers at every intersection, the “gated” houses & communities, the evening soap-operas, and even the door handles… Very interesting.

Our first day was a lazy “recovery” day: waking up late, grocery shopping for the week, emailing at Mutodi’s parents’ place, and then attending this month’s Atlas Film Club, which featured a documentary about South African women in hip-hop, called “Counting Headz.” The evening consisted of a small meal (soup), some wine (including a traditional warm spiced wine), the film viewing, a Q&A with the South-African-born co-director, and then some more wine around a small outdoor fire.

Today, we went to work with Mutodi and viewed a few scenes being filmed of the "soapie" that he stars in... It's funny to watch heads turn as we walk along side him. In fact, his greeting us at the airport made us feel that much more special.

All this is luxury compared to where we're headed next... to Soweto this weekend and then into the bush of Mozambique (outside of Maputo).

here we go!

2007-07-02T03:49:00.001-04:00

Hello friends, family and folks far ‘n’wide…

Finally,
the time has come (today!)
for my new adventure to begin.
This time with my sister.

We’ll be free from cell phone
and computer (except for cafes, friends & other contacts along the way),
so mass-emailing will not be easy,
nor preferable. (After this, no more.)

Please send us to your contacts
and to your favorite places.
Just look closely at our itinerary
for a better idea of when and where we’re going.

Make sure to check out our websites (below),
and we’ll hope to update them
about once a week or so…
depending on our online access.

You can also call us on Skype: hope.deifell
Really, we’d love to hear from you any which way.

Thank you ahead of time for all your love, compassion, good will, support, prayers and best wishes… Just please keep them coming!

quality time

2007-06-26T23:11:00.001-04:00

our time with friends and family is short, but it's definitely been Quality.

we've gathered for dinner with friends on several occasions. we've gone rollerskating at Tarwheels and dancing at Broadways for 80's night. we enjoyed a random traveling gypsy "circus" in the River District as well as this summer's first Friday after Five in Asheville. we've hosted a women's clothes swap/potluck, a wine club, a bon voyage party/grill-out, and a full house sleepover (9 guests passing through + 4 of us housemates)... just to name a few things.

most importantly, however, this week we're spending some good Quality time with family. my parents just rolled in town from CT for their summer in NC, and my brother, sister-in-law and 2 1/2 y.o. niece are spending as much time as they can with us, too... oh how i'll miss them all.

in the meantime, we're still trying to check off our lists and get everything done, but we're gettin' there... if we forget anything, oh well. i know we'll survive... it'll be nice to finally get going though. i'm starting to get excited now.

sure, it'll be amazing, but...

2007-06-22T11:56:00.001-04:00

i've been mulling over this for a long time... i don't have an answer, yet, but i figured that it'd be good to post this as a testimony of how deeply i'm thinking about this trip and how challenging i know it will be.

here's the big question: what are we doing, what are we saying and who are we to go on this big long trip around the world? we are 2 young, white, middle class, American women who are privileged enough to take off and take advantage of our mobility, our freedom and our heritage to come & go through people's lives and to deepen those already well-worn tourist paths, etc... how dare we. it seems so oppressive. i feel so ashamed... in fact, this has been the source of a lot of my anxiety and doubt about the trip.

however, despite all this mental, emotional and spiritual turmoil around the trip, God has opened doors and made incredible connections for us already, so at least i've been able to find a certain peace about everything. plus, there's no sense in shying away from the opportunity we have to see the world, to do good will, to spread compassion, to share the love and to be ambassadors of the life!

questioning the purpose our trip is like questioning the purpose of life--it's rather difficult until it's experienced. plus, with all the negative things going on everywhere, there's no point in being overly cynical... and who better to pass through the world than a pair of compassionate women like us. in fact, a really great friend of ours recently told us that because of who we are there's no doubt that we would do good and make great ambassadors everywhere we go.

inspiration on the fridge

2007-06-12T11:42:00.001-04:00

i don't know the story behind it, but i just noticed this new little magnet on our fridge and thought i'd share it with the world... supposedly it's an "apache blessing."

may the sun
bring you new energy by day,
may the moon
softly restore you by night,
may the rain
wash away your worries,
may the breeze
blow new strength into your being.
may you walk
gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.

booking our trip

2007-06-10T18:05:00.002-04:00

i've been home about 2.5 weeks now, and we've only got 3 weeks to go. i'm still working out all the details around our trip, but at least i finally lined up our RTW tickets (through United and the Star Alliance). now, i've got to concentrate on lining up our Insurance (travel & health).

it's been slow to get everything together and going, because i had mixed emotions about the timing of this trip and whatnot... but now i'm feeling a lot better and more excited about things. however, i'm still not absolutely sure about how long i'll travel with heather. either i'll continue with her for a few more months into new zealand and australia, or i'll leave her in southern china and go back home, in which case i'd go to the SW pacific later... oh, decisions, decisions.

working on the floors

2007-06-10T17:50:00.002-04:00

most of last week i spent time up at my brother's place in banner elk and helped him take out their carpet and replace it with this flooring... it was brutal on my hands and knees, but it looked so good by the end.

being home

2007-05-27T13:45:00.001-04:00

last week, on my way home from my brother's book events in Durham, i couldn't wait to drive up our driveway, open the door, take a deep breath, rest and be thankful... that's actually the name of our mountain house: Rest and Be Thankful... here's the view from our porch.

so it's been 4 months since i moved out of my place in SF, but that's not the only reason it's nice to be home. it will feel good to be somewhat settled (for the next 4-5 weeks), but it will also feel realy good to see some friends, go on hikes, enjoy the early summer here and hang out at our place. plus, asheville is a fun place to be, and black mountain is a chill place to live.

while home, though, i've got a lot to do for our trip and for getting our house ready to be vacated for a very long time... i'm trying not to get too bogged down in all that. i just have to take it one day at a time.

yesterday, for example, i went on a nice 2-hr hike with a friend along the East Ridge Trail in Montreat today. it was gorgeous. there were beautiful flowers out, like Mountain Loral, Flaming Azaleas, Rhododendrons and other random wildflowers. i also felt a little nostalgic 'cause i used to maintain trails and lead public hikes in Montreat -- the summers of 1998 and 2002.

today, i'm taking time to research and write. tonight, we're hosting a women's clothes swap and potluck... speaking of which, i've gotta run.

mission profile

2007-05-27T12:46:00.001-04:00

recently, i filled out some paperwork for a mission that we're visiting in Africa. there were some interesting questions that made me think, remember, reflect and have to define, so i thought i'd share.

Personality Profile:

Describe how OTHERS view your personality.
I’m very independent, but I don’t hesitate to ask for help and I value the strengths of others. I’m determined but very open-minded. I’m organized, and I can empower others to get organized. I’m very diligent and detail-oriented, and I take my time to get things right. I’m not super outgoing, comical or boisterous; I’m much more observant, introspective, and reserved, especially in groups over 5 people. I do better one-on-one with folks, but I’m very capable of talking in front of very large groups, too.

Describe your STRENGTHS.
Organization, construction, spatial perception, sense of direction, planning, listening, diversity awareness, cultural sensitivity, community empowerment, basic computer knowledge, learning quickly, and having emotion.

Describe your WEAKNESSES.
Emotion, awareness of others, intervention, being in a rush, self-criticism, and impatience with those who don’t recognize their weaknesses and/or their affect on others.

Personal Spiritual Information:
(... an intriguing profile category, no?)

Describe your present spiritual journey :
It ebbs and flows, but I know I’ll be on the path as long as I’m alive.

Why do you feel God is calling you to serve this way?
I feel the calling to protect & support my sister on this world trip, to help others in whatever capacity I can along the way, and to further develop my gifts of community organizing, diversity awareness, and massage therapy (& other alternative healing methods).

What expectations do you have for this trip?
I expect to be challenged, to grow and to learn from others, and, in turn, I hope to exchange experiences, knowledge and love with all those I encounter.

What cross-cultural experiences have you had other than mission trips? (ministry/business/background/educational)
2 6-wk trips to Europe when my father did “pulpit-exchange” ministries, 1 year as a Rotary Youth Exchange Student (Brazil), 2-month trip through Europe w/ my sister, 6-wk summer study abroad to Ecuador (UNC-Asheville), 2-wk trip through Peru (w/ the W.K. Kellogg Foundation), 5-month semester study abroad to Brazil (through the School for International Training & UNC-Chapel Hill), and multiple “domestic” cross-cultural experience while working for KaBOOM!.

spontaneous good times

2007-05-23T11:24:00.001-04:00

my last weekend in San Francisco ended up being really incredible. i spent real quality time with my closest friends there, and i took each random opportunity to hang out with them as a much-needed blessing to free myself from my own mind and heartbreak.

thurs: my brother's Seeing Beyond Salon party.
fri: lunch w/ Rhea, then over to Jen's place and out w/ her & Sebastian to the Supper Club.
sat: Joel helped my pack my bike for shipping, then we all went to see Bjork at the Shoreline Amphitheathre.
sun: roamed around Noe Valley with Kirstin & Grant, went to an underground punk show with them, and spent the night over at their beautiful little cabin in the woods in Canyon.
mon: packed my bags and had a wonderful dinner with Mardie, Caleb and Steve at Coco500.
tues: Caleb took me to the OAK airport at 4:30 in the morning! and my brother & Brian picked me up at RDU around 5 pm.

it's so wonderful to be pleasantly reminded and surprised that i have friends that care about and love me deeply... this weekend was exactly what i needed, and i couldn't have asked for anything more... thank God for friends.

the beautiful sky

2007-05-20T14:44:00.001-04:00

"At sunset look to the west and the waxing crescent Moon and the planet Venus will be within one degree of each other, being the two brightest objects in the evening sky."

what a beautiful site last night... and how amazing it would be if we all suspended our earthly possessions, attachments, assumptions, thoughts and emotions for a few peaceful moments... basking in the light of this distant cosmic dance: the crescent moon escorted by venus... in motion, alone, always changing, as they are, unaffected by others, and possibly unnoticed by most... much like how we are as organic beings. connected by the heavens.

finding peace

2007-05-17T14:23:00.002-04:00

it's funny how quickly emotions can lead us astray. shortly after my previous post, i began to slowly spiral downward in anticipation of my departure... or, rather, as a reaction to this incredibly huge decision set before me: to leave or not to leave.

why was i wavering? for one thing, my sister & i haven't bought our RTW tickets, yet, but also i guess i was somehow waiting for a sign to confirm my decision either way...

an endless stream of life-altering questions flows through my mind. what am i doing? what could i be throwing away? is this the end or will it come full circle? would it be a mistake to stay or to go?

the only thing i have to hold on to is the faith that this feeling of devastation will pass and that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to... but there's no sense in hanging on to the unknown right now. i've only got this one precious life to live, and i'm taking a huge bold leap to claim it for myself... God willing.

"We had definitely committed ourselves
and were halfway out of our ruts.
We had put down our passage money
-- booked a sailing to Bombay.
This may sound too simple,
but is great in consequence.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),
there is one elementary truth
the ignorance of which kills
countless ideas and splendid plans:
that the moment one definitely commits oneself,
providence moves too.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
raising in one's favor
all manner of unforeseen incidents,
meetings and material assistance
which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.

I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"

Excerpt from The Scottish Himalaya Expedition [1951]

silent meditations & sweet reflections

2007-05-04T15:25:00.002-04:00

time stood still while on the 10-day vipassana retreat, and now it's flying by while visiting alaska again...

first, the retreat:
it was so amazing, fulfilling, transforming and intense (more than 10 years of counseling or therapy). that's what over 100 hours of sitting in silent meditation will do to someone that works patiently and persistently at this incredibly healing universal method... however, it's not for everyone. it takes a lot of self-determination and strong-will to complete the course, but it is well worth it. i highly recommend it.

so it's been about 3 weeks since the retreat, "Do i still feel a difference?" absolutely but the initial empowered feeling is fading a little. like any practice, it's really hard to maintain amidst our everyday realities, especially when our emotions, fears and wants get in the way... nevertheless, i definitely find myself letting go of things, not reacting as quickly, trying to change the patterns in my mind, and generally feeling happier... bottom line: it helps me put things in a much better perspective.

now, my visit to anchorage:
i have tried to do something everyday... whether it's cooking, yoga, church, the slush cup, frisbee golf, chipping the golf ball in the backyard, dinner with friends, movies, biking around the 'hood, riding the bus, salsa dancing lessons, hiking or cleaning, it's just nice to be here... although, sometimes i sense that my inevitable departure for NC and then around the world is difficult for me to swallow.

words of encouragement: a letter from a friend

2007-04-04T13:51:00.001-04:00

Dear Hope,
We understand from your brother that you are going to attend the ten days vipassana meditation course. We are excited and happy for you and sending you encouragement. Having tried and experimented with many forms of inner transformational and spiritual work, we have experienced the pratice of vipassana to be one of the most useful and good tool for our lives. We know you will gain great insight and clarity for your life and be benefitted by the practice of meditation.
We imagine you may scared thinking about doing something you don't know for 10 days and there may be a temptation to withdraw or second guess yourself. It therefore takes courage to discover the strength you have wished for. So, we wish you a wondeful course and may you be happy on your journey.
With love...

Animator_vs_Animation

2007-04-02T13:04:00.001-04:00

simple yet innovative computer animation at work... cute.

Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object)

way too much time online

2007-03-27T21:55:00.001-04:00

i am continually amazed by how much time and energy people spend online... from technocrats to myspacers to bloggers, it's a little ridiculous. i'm rather tired of it all, and i don't want to lose myself in it... you see, as of late, i'm just as guilty of it... doing a bunch of online marketing for my brother's new book... anyway, it's easy to get sucked in, to compare pages & profiles, to forget how to directly interact with others, and to waste endless amounts of time on it all... it's sad, really... i definitely think we all need to take a serious break from it all. otherwise, at this rate, where will we be in 5, 10, 20 years from now? with microchip implants in our brains or something? it's like we're mutating into cylons. (did anyone see this week's season finale of battlestar galactica? crazy.) i mean i know for a fact that there are a LOT of good, progressive, interactive online communities out there, but i'm just worried about those folks that aren't necessarily doing something positive with their time online.

so these are some of the many reasons i'm taking a break from the world and participating in a 10-day vipassana (silent meditation) retreat near yosemite at the beginning of april.

... btw, one cool hybrid of online and offline communities is SF Zero, which hosts real world "tasks" and creates community online too... in fact, my brother posted an innovative task in conjunction with his recently published book Seeing Beyond Sight. check it out and join his myspace page. (how's that for an ironic twist... encouraging you to extend your time online.)

unconditional love

2007-03-25T18:01:00.002-04:00

after a red-eye flight back to SF from AK and then a day-long trip cross-country to SC, i spent a week visiting my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and mom (who also came down for a visit from CT). it was like a mini-family-reunion. i loved it... it's amazing to have such a supportive family with unconditional love, open-arms, and generous, genuine care for one another, even if i'm down and out about something.

unfortunately, however, i've realized that i pretty much expect everyone else to be capable of the same sort of behavior. is that wrong to hope or assume about the world? i know that everyone is effected by different things and has had different experiences in life, but what would happen if everyone relinquished all fear and embraced genuine love for each other? what would the world be like? it almost doesn't seem possible to even imagine.

anyway, speaking of the world... our travel plans are coming along, but we need to get into high gear. my sister is doing some fundraising as well as some investigating into 'round-the-world plane tickets. i’m supposed to figure out all the other travel logistics, like visas, travel between countries, places to stay and website stuff... all very time consuming and easy to procrastinate on.

in fact, i'm dragging my feet a little because i've had some serious mixed emotions about the trip... the length of it (constantly on the road), the extreme self-awareness (for our safety), the fighting for rates on everything from cab fares to basic information, the anti-americanism everywhere, the sticking out like a sore thumb as 2 white american women with backpacks... and, to top it off, the sacrifice in leaving my beloved behind for so long. am i selfish to go and make him wait anyway? shouldn't i just have faith that everything will work out for the best? i'm trying to listen to my heart, maintain a balance with my mind, discern what's right, and let go and let God... that's one of the several reasons why i signed up for a 10-day vipassana retreat near yosemite: to clear my mind of all this mental chatter and to more clearly make the right decisions.

Anchorage, AK

2007-03-08T01:24:00.001-05:00

so now i'm in big wild alaska!

it's gorgeous here in the winter. i'm surrounded by beautiful majestic snow-covered mountains. 10-25 degree days with clear skies and high wind gusts (for now), and 5-10 degree nights. cold... but i managed to get out to see a little reggae music our first night. then i went out and about to check out a little of this winter festival as well as the ceremonial iditarod dog sled race, which actually started the next day up the valley.

on sunday, i went to Mass at noon, then caught a parade downtown (closing the furroundy), and finally i ended up going back out to watch the sunset… which are super-long here (nearly 4 hours long) because the sun just hangs really low in the sky before it finally gives way to the horizon.

anyway, that's all for now. gotta run.

NOLA

2007-02-28T20:20:00.001-05:00

a few weeks ago i went down to New Orleans to do some contracted playground-building work for my old employer, and i stayed on for a few days to volunteer for another organization that builds playgrounds around the world.

in the 2 weeks i spent there, i participated in 4 playground builds, dodged 2 tornadoes, shielded myself from unusually cold weather, toured the 9th ward and st. bernard parish (among other devastated areas)*, heard some great local music (Washboard Chaz), found some cool dive bars (the Circle Bar), witnessed the traditional season of debauchery (Mardi Gras), cheered for the less oligarchical floats (in the Muses), caught some beads and other cheap crap (made in China), hung out with old friends (Jenn Potts) and met some new ones (from San Clemente, CA)... i had a good time while there, but it was challenging to comprehend what happened there, what racial and socio-economic divisions there were, are and always will be, how crime has risen, and what anyone could do to help the situation... it's puzzling.

*devastated areas? anywhere outside the French Qtr anyway. there were water marks as high as 9 ft in some places. the only time water makes a mark like that is when it sits without receding for weeks. we built a playground in the East Bank between a new mobile-unit school and its old school building whose roof caved in and which reeked of mold. what a travesty. i had no idea. i'd heard about the flood waters and seen the gutted houses (with nothing but a chandelier hanging in one), but i'd never smelled that intense mold or understood the X's on the front of many places (marking the date, the initials of the group that searched, and the number of people or what animals were found dead). crazy.

disconnected

2007-01-27T01:08:00.001-05:00

so close but so far away. i've been so removed, so disconnected from the world lately. i guess that's the privilege i have. i don't really have to think about the world all the time... or do i (especially since i'm planning this world trip with my sister)?... yes. i need to get going and plug myself back into the world.

well, the problem i have at the moment is that i'm not feeling altogether myself these days... i'm feeling a little ill, i'm not clearheaded, and i'm homeless & unsettled. so you can see why a big part of me feels a little out of sorts... sad, isn't it?

i guess it's not so bad. it does feel good to begin a new era again... you know, sheding old stuff and renewing my independence... only last weekend, i moved out of my apartment of 2 1/2 years in San Francisco, and i'm slowly saying goodbye to people. you see, i'm continuing to travel & Second for my old job (for supplimental income), and i'm staying at my brother's place in between trips until the end of February or maybe March... who knows?

in the meantime, i'll keep myself busy with the Seconding on playground builds and with helping my brother Tony out on publicizing his new book (soon to be released in the Spring).

off the map

2007-01-08T00:21:00.001-05:00

I know. I've fallen off the face of the planet, right? well, that's why I hate these damn personal internet pages; somehow, it's almost an expectation never to drop out and stop updating them. i mean, heaven forbid we all go back into the world of the living and start interacting with each other more in person... so why bother to keep this page up to date? I don't know. I guess I want to be able to look back at this blog someday and remember all the places I've been... that's what this page is coming to: a personal journal, a list of random life occurrences, a place to put myself out there in the hopes that my friends and family will want to check in to see how I'm doing, and a chance to (re)connect with people.

speaking of the real world, a lot has been going on in my life. i'm about to embark on a completely new journey and experience in life. i quit my job. i'm head over heals in love. i'm about to travel the world with my sister for about 6 months... and today is the first day of the rest of my life. God is good.

since I last wrote, I built playgrounds in Sacramento, Austin, Venice (IL) and Houston, I built an ice rink in Buffalo, and I spent some time in Western North Carolina with my siblings and friends there. I also spent Thanksgiving with a good friend in Springfield, MO, and then Christmas with my family in Wethersfield, CT.

then everything at work flipped upside down, and I decided to quit. I left on good terms though, and I still plan to do some externally contracted work for them... in the meantime, I'm leaving my home of 2 1/2 years in SF, having to get rid of almost everything I own, and preparing to essentially live out of my bags for a whole year... coach-surfing, seconding for my old emplorer, moving back to NC maybe, and traveling the world with my sister.

the world (my world) is in flux, but i have an unusual peace about how it's all going to work out. I've just got to let go and let God.

unbelievable

2006-10-02T02:23:00.002-04:00

time is flying by. i've been so busy that i haven't taken the time to write about it. and now it's too late to remember everything... but i'll try.

July: Liz Middleton visited, Whitney's B-day and Flint/MI Playground Build

August: Rock the Bells (8 hs of awesome Hip Hop in an outdoor concert), Playground Build and personal time in Twin Falls/ID, Green Bay/WI Playground Build, Woodburn/OR Build and visit with Matt Forness in Portland

September: Burning Man, the wdydwyd? project, Heather in town for more than 3 weeks
(starting in August), Design Day in Austin/TX, Pirates Rock Orchestra Puppet Show in SF, Ra in town for a weekend visit!, Playground Build & personal time in Vancouver & Whistler, Folsom Street Fair, Design Day and Playground Build in Illinois, Thursday night church at Dolores Park Church, Design Day in Buffalo/NY for an ICE RINK!, and my first visit to Burbank.

fun in the sun

2006-07-18T02:12:00.002-04:00

man, it's been a while... i've been working hard and hardly working... at least enough to be too distracted to write about it.

since my trip to memphis back in early june, i've...

- hung out at Ocean Beach with good friends, like Kirsten!

- worked some long, hard hours for a playground/skatepark build in North Chicago.

- lead a Design Day meeting to kick off the start of a project that I also lead the outreach for (in Green Bay, WI).

- spent some quality time with my immediate family and some other extended Deifell relatives at Topsail Beach, NC.

- lead another Design Day meeting for the beginning of a playground project in Vancouver, BC, and spent some time touring the city a bit with my friend, Bryan Wilson. (It was so awesome to be introduced to such a great place by an old friend.)

what do NC, MI and TN have in common?

2006-06-07T02:08:00.003-04:00

they've all recently seen the likes of Hope Deifell (aka, The Hope Deifell (THD), H2D (Hope Holliday Deifell), Ms. High Definition, Hope-alicious or Hoperino).

just before memorial day weekend, I Seconded for another project manager's playground build in Charlotte, NC. then, my old friend Felica came through (from Durham) to pick me up on her way up to camp in the Western North Carolina mountains. we hadn't seen each other in 2 years, so it was really awesome to reconnect and catch up with her.

while up in black mountain and asheville, i hung out with my sister, brother, sister-in-law, baby niece and several friends. we went to the Asheville Tourist's thirsty-Thursday baseball game. we hosted a clothes-swap with 17 women & clothes from 21 women, we went to a wedding, and we hosted a 6-hour-long cook-out up at our mountain house. it was an awesome long memorial weekend, and it was so great to be with so many friends and family!

then Felica dropped me back off at the CLT airport, and I flew back to SF for only 2 nights before heading to Flint, MI, for a playground Design Day meeting... finally, i have a new project, but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing... suffice it to say, I'm excited about working in Flint, but I still don't feel good about being left out of the game for so long.

after my short trip to Flint, I came back to SF for what ended up being an amazing weekend with my Alaskan friend named Ra... then, just last week, I Seconded for another project manager's playground build just outside of Memphis, TN. the weather was great, i got my sweet-tea fix, i drove by Graceland & through downtown Memphis, and the playground build went really well... but I suffered from a cold and a urinary tract infection all week. once I finally got home to SF, I went to the UCSF urgent care clinic to get a prescription for antibiotics... now, i'm much better but my back still hurts a bit. regardless, i have to go into work tomorrow... ughh. monday

st. louis

2006-05-12T12:31:00.002-04:00

this week in st. louis has been great! we celebrated Erica's birthday on wednesday with some great Lebanese food. we had a perfect (but cold!) prep day 1 today. we've been enjoying the comforts of this nice little bed and breakfast. we visited an amazing glass exhibit by Chihuly in the Missouri Botantical Gardens. we went out for my first "bubble tea" experience. and we don't have really any work to do today (before the playground build on Saturday)... it's been a nice break from the normal, that's for sure.

... then, after our build, we went to this kick-ass (displaced) Brazilian restaurant there. go check it out!

how weird

2006-05-12T01:30:00.001-04:00

in true san francisco spirit, my new roommate eileen and i went to the How Weird Street Faire last Sunday in full costume... or, well, at least I was pimpin' it with good style; eileen wasn't too sure about the wig that she wore into the festival, so she abandoned it.

time flies

2006-05-04T23:07:00.001-04:00

wow. i'm such a slacker when it comes to blogging. i've just been busy with other things, i guess... what? well, let me see.

right after my birthday, i went back to NC for a quick visit with family and friends (in Boone and Asheville) before heading to a staff retreat in Lewisburg, PA (at Playworld Systems, Inc). my trip home was great, especially seeing my adorable baby niece...

the week after that, though, was only okay. i wasn't fully present at our staff retreat because i was too distracted by my past trials and my current ambiguity within the organization... suffice it to say that i went through an emotional rollercoaster last winter and then i was mandated a break from what i was hired to do -- manage projects. after that i began questioning my role and my ability to stay with the organization... since this last mental/emotional relapse, i've had other work-related problems: my computer died 2 wks ago and i've been completely distracted by trying to set up a new system... the whole ordeal has helped me put things into perspective, though. in the end, none of this really matters. so what if i've lost 13 GB of music, 30+ hours worth of work, and 2 years worth of old emails, email addresses and pictures. it's not the end of the world, right?

well anyway, besides all those major distractions, i've had the pleasure of doing Pilates with Hahva Neff, traveling to the Mississippi gulf coast and to the Florida west coast to build playgrounds, hosting Corey Belt for a few days in SF, seeing some free bluegrass at Amnesia, and... i can't remember what else. this week, i'm throwing a housewarming party for my 2 new roommates (Eileen and David), going to the How Weird Street Festival in SF, and traveling to St. Louis, MO, to build a playground.

birthday

2006-03-25T22:19:00.001-05:00

Thanks to all my die-hard fans for making it out to my B-day party last Sunday (March 19). (Thanks especially to my roommate for making a delicious ghirardelli cake!)... I didn't feel like it was "my day" until everyone was there standing around me, wishing me well and warming my heart... I guess I was sort of in denial that I'd turned a year older. ugh. 27.

plus, I'd just gotten back from building another great playground in Tucson, AZ, the day before. so I was a little exhausted from that, too.

paradise

2006-03-13T21:21:00.001-05:00

i just got back from 7 days in paradise: West Coast, Jamaica. it was so wonderful to relax on the cliffs, drink Blue Mountain coffee, smoke spliffs and take it easy mon... and so glorious to swim in the clear streams of the YS (above) and the crystal clear ocean waters of Negril, to cruise up the "cliffs road" on a scooter, to stop in humble bars, amazing little restaurants, artisan/tourist shops and an organic rasta-food shack (for veggie/pumpkin soup, festival, beans & rice), to bathe in the mineral springs of Roaring River, to hear reggae everywhere in the air, to take music (guitar, shaker, harmonica & flute) with us everywhere we went (thanks to Honza), to attend the Sheffield Church of the Brethren (for the culture of it), and to watch the sunset and the moonset every night we were there.

time slows down there. i took deeper breaths, caught a mellow mood and felt irie, mon. i miss it -- i miss the air, the water, the sun, the people, the food & drink, the music and the new friends. my heart goes out to you, Greg, Valrie, Janet, Rusty, Honza, Ashley, Jakub, Kiersa and Bob. thank you for the journey and the love.

dave chappelle, mos def and erykah badu

2006-02-25T04:14:00.001-05:00

... were amazing (especially front row and center at SF's Warfield). nuff said.

can't wait to check out his Block Party movie.

geez

2006-02-02T01:05:00.001-05:00

i can't believe it's been so long. i've been so distracted... and less interested in blogging lately, i guess. but this worth sharing. we hit a fire water main while auguring holes for a playground in Tucson last Friday, and then this. nearly 3 hours later, the city successfully turned it off. within 3 days, the pipe was fixed, the ground recompacted and graded, and the playground build postponed for 2 weeks.

work has been quite the rollercoaster lately. i've not been traveling as much as i've been served up, challenged and delivered from a couple very difficult projects. i'm on the up swing, though... in fact, after my annual performance review a few weeks ago, i've been able to investigate doing drama therapy and taking a few message therapy classes. more on that later.

in general, though, i haven't been the most balanced. after my ankle injury on 11/22, i was on crutches for 5 weeks, then started doing physical therapy and riding my bike to work again. :) i'm getting back on by feet again, in more ways than one.

here are just a few things i've been up to since last time:

-remotely building a playground in SF's western addition in mid-december (while on crutches, i couldn't lead the build, so i prepared everything for another project manager to lead it for me during build week.)
-home in NC for the week between Christmas and New Years
-physical therapy
-seconding at an athelic field build in phoenix
-leading a playground design day meeting in tucson
-doing site prep (only) for the playground build in tucson (see picture above)
-mad professor at dub mission
-board game nights
-syriana, munich, hong kong,... life and debt (2001), charlie and the chocolate factory (2005), spellbound (2002), the aviator (2004), being julia (2004), kinsey (2004), tarnation (2004), capturing the friedmans (2003), meet the fockers (2004), mad hot ballroom (2005), rize (2005), born into brothels (2004), house of flying daggers (2004), the bourne supremacy (2004), the weather underground (2002), and all of Mos Def’s feature films... :)
-nights up late working (... this job has turned me into a workaholic w/ insomnia)

cirque du soliel

2005-12-23T18:29:00.001-05:00

about 2 weeks ago, i had the absolute pleasure of going to see Cirque du Soliel for the first time with my sister-in-law, mardie. (tony was out of town.) it was as wonderful and magical as i ever could have imagined. the show was called Corteo. it was so creatively artistic and diverse. it's amazing what the human body (and human mind) is capable of.

raw

2005-12-23T17:38:00.002-05:00

over the past week or so, my heart has been as raw as my severely sprained ankle is raw, and i've been on a rollercoaster of emotion... i'm on the up-swing, for sure, but it's been a challenge, especially after 4.5 weeks on crutches. i'm tired and frustrated that i can't really get around. i can't wait to be able to bike, to go out, to go grocery shopping, to see music, to go on adventures, to travel, to build playgrounds, and to be free to do what i need to on my own... it's crazy what we -- the temporarily-abled -- take for granted, and it's even more crazy to see what other folks are really made of... as in, to see whether or not random people have any compassion, sensitivity, selflessness or heart in them to help a sister out in a time of need... would you believe that a co-worker, that you think you know & trust as a potential friend, would selfishly (and rather consciously) not choose to give you a ride to work when you really needed it?! (otherwise it would take you an hour and a half, over 2 bus rides, a train ride and a cab ride (each way), and cost you about $15 more than usual to commute to work.) man, that threw me off for a whole week. now, i can hardly look at her, let alone have to communicate and work with her... this holiday break couldn't have come at a better time. i need space and time to heal every dimension of my being... western north carolina, here i come.

the sound of music

2005-11-28T03:34:00.001-05:00

written by my sister-in-law mardie:

We just had a fabulous time at a Sound of Music Sing-Along at the Castro Theatre in SF. I wore my mom's plaid dress with the pleated skirt, white collar and blue ribbon. Hope wore a white wig with a white boa, to be a Swiss Alp (or maybe a snowflake on an eyelash). Bryan wore a lederhosen (an old sock, suspenders and some ric-rac), and Tony was Robin from Batman and Robin - apparently Robin helped fight the Nazis. Richard wore a brown box tied up with string, and Jen wore my pink rose hat and pink coat, green pants with paper raindrops taped on. Much fun.

Surprisingly the movie really holds up – only a couple of lines seem outdated. Such great songs and it was fun to have the lyrics on the screen so we could sing extra loud.

my right ankle

2005-11-28T01:48:00.002-05:00

I guess one excuse for my slack correspondence is that work has kept me rather busy. thank goodness for breaks like a holiday to give thanks. the days off gave me the moment to breathe, but my stillness is accidental… I sprained my right ankle on Tuesday while hiking down a steep slope from a natural hot spring in new mexico (n of albuquerque). i was alone, but someone had also just left the spring, so i called ahead to him. he helped me to my friend's car. i had to drive home with my left foot and my right ankle propped up on the glove compartment door, my backpack, a sweatershirt and eventually some ice. thank goodness it was automatic. during an hour and a half of driving, i had spoken with my insurance, work, family and my friend in albuquerque, while watching the sun set over a beautiful backdrop... so, i survived and doing well b/c I chilled at home (SF), hung with my brother and his wife, and went to see harry potter and then rent, the next day... unfortunately, I still have to go to Miami next week for work, but it’s really not all that bad b/c I’m just seconding for another project manager. hopefully, i'll be able to be still, learn to better delegate, and heal a bit.

mardie wrote to my folks:

"I hope you all have had a relaxing weekend. We have had several wonderful meals at home – including a yummy brisket from the best BBQ place in Texas. (www.saltlickbbq.com) Bryan and Hope are both in town. She is being very patient with her ankle - much more so than I would be. It is no easy thing to get around on crutches. Many stairs to hop in this town. And her ankle is a dozen shades of blue. Keep sending her healing love!!!"

on the go

2005-11-01T22:41:00.001-05:00

i just finished 2 very challenging playground builds of my own: in Detroit on 10/20 and in Dallas on 10/27. then, i flew back to SF just in time to give a workshop on "Engaging Youth in your Community-build Playspace project" at the KaBOOM! University of Play conference on 10/28. then, i seconded for the U Play! playground build in Oakland on 10/29... finally, i flew to austin (where I am now) to second for Tabitha's last project (a field refurbishment) before she leaves KaBOOM!.

amidst all this travel, i managed...
-to go to LA for their Burning Man Decompression Party on 10/15;
-to host a pre-halloween accessories party with my roommates on 10/22;
-to visit with my cousins John and Louise (and their spouses) while in Dallas;
-to see MOS DEF & TALIB KWELI (!) in concert at the Mezzanine on 10/30;
-to go out on 6th street in Austin with my co-workers for halloween.

whew! will i ever give it a rest? maybe, but i won't even have time to think about it until veteran's day weekend and/or thanksgiving.

but first i go to tucson, az, for a design day meeting next wednesday, and after that, i head to NM to second for another project manager's playground build.

SF decom & will smith movie

2005-10-11T13:38:00.001-04:00

SF decom was fun. it was great to go in costume, to run into good folks, to dance and to explore the pseudo-Playa... oh, i already can't wait until next year's BM. nothing beats the real thing.

so, yesterday, my brother and his wife had some people over for a dinner gathering over-looking the filming of the Will Smith movie at 24th & York. it was cool to see all the hype and to watch everyone get so excited about the entire production. it was also cool to see Will run up and down the street... finally, everyone called it a night, so I decided to head home. on the way, i noticed Will signing autographs while on his way off the set. i walked ahead and then turned to ask him for a hug. he said, "sure thing, girl," and gave me a nice big hug... there's nothing like a nice firm hug from a tall, dark and handsome famous man... that was my first and only brush with fame, and i have to admit, it got me all gitty inside.

been a while

2005-10-09T01:22:00.001-04:00

... since i've had time and stillness to write 'bout myself online. it's not that i'm too busy; it's just that i'm usually too distracted. there's so much happening for me to stop and tell about it all. (not that i have to, but) i want to describe everything i've seen, done and heard, but i also want to be relatively quick about it. so, just to save the time, i'll attempt a somewhat brief list of everything since i last wrote something of substance... plus, i want to catch up so i can start keeping better track of all my random and wonderful life experiences.

okay, let's see...

-after a little stop in western NC to see my fam & friends for july 4th, i lead a playground build project in buffalo, ny. this build was the first time i TRUEly felt really awesome about the work i do for community groups. it was a real, grass-roots build done without the support of any umbrella organization. our community partner was a struggling neighborhood association that merely recognized how desperately they needed a safe playground for their kids. it was very challenging yet rewarding project... also, while up there, my second and i got to visit niagara falls for the first time ever! july 5-9

jen and i at niagara falls, canada

-i helped (or seconded) another project manager's playground build in minneapolis. july 11-14

-i stayed over a day in minneapolis to lead a design day meeting for a new project there (to be built in 2 months time). july 15

-i got handed off another project, and i traveled to lead a design day meeting for a build (to happen take place 2 months later) in chicago. july 18-19

-i lead a playground build in wasilla, ALASKA!, and my second & I had an incredible time sightseeing, fishing & flying in south-central Alaska. july 22-31

wet on build day in wasilla

whitney & i on a glacier lake

watch out, whitney's flyin'

the glacier lake we landed on

fishin' in AK

caught

-i finally took a day off to run errands and enjoyed some of downtown san francisco (like the ferry building, City Car Share, Museum of Modern Art, shopping). august 2

-i lead another design day meeting for a new playground project (to be built 2 months later) in detroit. august 15-16

[recap: i had 3 projects on my plate, and i just finished 2 of my own projects.]

-mardie oakes and my brother, tony deifell, (aka MoTo) got married at the Headlands Center for the Arts in Marin County, CA. the wedding camp weekend* was extraordinary in so many ways, including a house concert with The Weepies, a taco truck for the rehearsal dinner, kite flying, massage, a beautiful wedding ceremony, vintage wear, home-style dinner, an interactive reception, a really cute photographer that they hired, a Polaroid guest book, a make-your-own-cupcake wedding cake, a surprize roller-disco party with black-lights and booze, and a pristine location with so many amazing family and friends. august 18-21
*this special event and time with family is the first of a series of recent random fun moments that have reminded me how much i love living in SF.

mother and son

mom & dad dancing, as always

on the way to the surprise wedding roller-disco

-i traveled to miami to second for another project manager's attempted* playground build in miami. august 22-24
*this build was cancelled due to threats of hurricane katrina, which grazed fort lauderdale the night before the day we would have lead the build.

-i flew back to SF (& to where my sister heather had been hanging out on her own after our brother's wedding the weekend before)... and immediately started packing for Burning Man. august 25-28

-i planned, organized and managed a community of 21 burners in camp wdydwyd?. august 29-september 5
*our event: to take portraits of folks answering the question, why do you do what you do?, and a 4x8 live-painting project, open to any passers-by
*our location this year: ego x 7:20
*our members' origins: san francisco, los angeles, asheville, durham, atlanta, new york -> all of which made for a really awesome intentional community of people
*my highlights: all the diversity of EXTREME and AMAZING art there, an INCREDIBLE time with my sister heather, the freedom, my borrowed beach cruiser, the expanse of black rock city this year, and our portrait project... among SO much else.

siblings

siblings & the man

the last crew to leave our plot of BRC land

[recap: i've just returned from a whirlwind of wedding events, work travel, and a week of Burning Man paradise... but i still have those same 3 projects on my plate... yet, i love it all and i especially love living in SF.]

-i just got handed off another playground project, and i went to lead a design day meeting for a build (to be done in 2 months time) in dallas. while there, i stayed with my cousin louise and her husband justin. september 7-8

-i helped pack our office to move up to san mateo from redwood city, ca... and later, that next weekend, i go to the Power to the Peaceful festival (w/ Michael Franti) in golden gate park with my friend kirsten. september 10

-i lead my build (and closed the project) in south chicago. september 12-16

chicago kick-off

-i returned to our new office space and enjoyed it (& being home in SF) for a whole week. my boss (the director of project management) and our administrative assistant (Laura) fly out from DC to help settle us in, and thanks to their help, it looks great! well, laura had never spent any time in SF, so i showed her around town, we had sushi at Central Station (mission x 17-18), we ended up in north beach, and we drove to work the next morning together. september 19-21

-i got all dressed up in my brown-n-black zebra, fly-girl outfit, and i went down to the SF civic center plaza to dance, people-watch and enjoy the 2nd annual Love Parade (originating in Berlin after the wall fell.) i love SF. september 24

photo shoot after love parade (w/ borrowed tina turner wig)

-i lead my own playground build (and closed the project) in minneapolis. september 25-29

wet on build day

-i came back to a weekend full of bluegrass in golden gate park with my friends, whitney (from work) and kirsten (from corey). we heard gillian welch, tony rice & peter rowan, dolly parton, doc watson, earl scruggs, steve earle, the be good tanyas, emmylou harris, stiff dead cat, and guy clark. september 30-october 1

-finally, i'm home for a bit... AND i lead my own design day for a new playground project (to be built 2 months later) HERE -- in san francisco! october 6

design day meeting in SF

-today, mardie & i went over to their friend jim's place to watch the blue angel's fleet-week show over the bay. (it was such a beautiful and perfect san francisco day, too.) then, we went out to dinner with mardie's friends richard and jen to betelnut (on union st). finally, after tony finally got home from a 9-day business trip, i left MoTo to very randomly (and independently) stop by an art opening event at the Galeria de la Raza. i admired the art, had a couple drinks and went on my way back home again... ah, i love san francisco.

now, coming soon:
-Burning Man decompression parties in SF (tomorrow) and LA (next weekend)
-filming dinner party at MoTo's on monday.(there's a film with will smith (The Pursuit of Happiness) being filmed right outside mardie & tony's, oct 9-13.)
-my playground build in detroit (oct. 17-21)
-my playground build (with eye-candy as my second for the week) in dallas (oct. 24-28)
-halloween and day of the dead in san francisco
-seconding for another project manager's playground build in southern new mexico (Nov. 14-18)
-home (nc? or ct?) for thanksgiving
...

playground build in ALASKA!

2005-08-10T14:58:00.001-04:00

i have been SO busy lately... getting ready for Burning Man, for my brother Tony's wedding and for several other upcoming playground builds (in Minneapolis, Chicago and Detroit)... i'm also (somehow) managing to enjoy SF, sign up for the City Carshare program, organize our camp for BM, and maintain my sanity.

below is the Build Day summary from a couple of weeks ago where I built a playground just north of Anchorage, Alaska! my second and I had the best time up there. we went fishing (& caught some!), driving, hiking, flying (in a little 4-seater over a glacier and landing on a glacier lake), site-seeing, and canoeing. the trip was fantastic, the mountains were spectacular and the culture was so unique! i loved it.

end of build day

Build Day summary, written by me:
Last week in beautiful Wasilla, Alaska, home of the Iditarod Dog Sled Race headquarters, Hope led a fantastic playground build with 135 volunteers from The Home Depot (along with AARP) and Iditarod Elementary School. Whitney rocked the Build as Hope’s Second, and PSI’s Chad Willow jumped into gear as a great installer. Overall, the Build was a relatively normal playground build – the only HUGE difference was the so-called “mulch pile” that came in the form of over 20 pallets of 45 bags of mulch each. Yep, that’s right! It was shipped up from the “lower 48” and unloaded from two containers on Prep Day 1 by a forklift and pallet-jack. Also, on Prep Day, volunteers outlined the US Map. In fact, Whitney’s highlight was finally outlining the Alaska that’s to scale with the rest of the US (have you ever looked at it?? It’s huge!!)!!! Unfortunately, they didn’t get the chance to paint it (or the Hopscotch and 4-square games) on Build Day due to the rain.

The cold and wet Alaskan weather, however, didn’t stop Build Day volunteers from building an awesome outdoor classroom with a “community” bulletin board (modified to host a removable dry-erase board), 2 planter benches, 5 planter boxes, an incredible impromptu butterfly garden, a playhouse, and a great playground. This new playground was particularly bright amidst the surrounding pea gravel, and it added some awesome play value to their existing playspace with a Tire Swing, Monorail, Babble-on and Spiral Slide. To keep the excited youth at bay, volunteers led some well-organized games and craft activities, including stepping stones, paint-by-number murals, and decorating painted fish cut-outs (from Masonite board). At lunch, the mayor of Wasilla herself helped make sure everyone got fed. Everything finished up for an on-time Board-cutting, accompanied by three songs from the youth.

Media:
-ABC
-Anchorage Daily News (paper)
-The Frontiersman
-Q99.7 (provided music and PSAs)

VIPs:
-Mayor Dianna Keller (of Wasilla)
-Bob Doyle, Chief School Administrator
-Stephanie Martin, Community Affairs Manager, The Home Depot
-Homer D. Poe
-John Klapperich, President of Q99.7

Side Projects:
-outdoor classroom
-“community” bulletin board (modified to host a removable dry-erase board)
-2 planter benches
-5 planter boxes
-a butterfly garden
-a playhouse

Highlights:
-Whitney’s highlights include Alaska on the US Map, the “Iditarod Song” performance by the kids, & the first time that the community bulletin board team sunk the board in the holes, only to find out that it was 5’ tall!!
-Hope’s highlight was when, at the closing, the mayor made a point to say that The Home Depot’s motto is “Improve Everything we touch,” and if everyone lived by this motto, the world would be a better place.

build in Buffalo

2005-07-13T23:44:00.001-04:00

Last Friday (July 8), Hope led an amazing, much-needed and transformative playground build in a very low income Buffalo neighborhood called the Fruit Belt--named after its fruit-basket of street names. Jen De Melo was her Superstar Second, Bob Woodson her smiley PSI Rep, and Bob Hedden her incredible installer. The Home Depot and the Fruit Belt United, Inc--a small neighborhood association that operates to benefit the community and for the promotion of social welfare--joined forces with neighbors, parents and a few other local groups (191 volunteers in all) to transform a small, empty lot into an extraordinary playspace. Despite some communication challenges throughout the planning, like no (direct) online access, and after digging through foundation on both Prep Days with 2 (unplanned) two-man augers and a jack-hammer, they were finally ready for the big day. After a slow start on Build Day, the momentum grew as the music got going and people starting coming out of the wood-work to help out. After lunch, kids put their final touches on the side projects while volunteers mixed concrete, moved the remaining mulch (110 CY in all), and cleaned up for an on-time Board-cutting at 3:30. As everyone gathered for the ceremony, a small parade of youth eagerly lined up, cautiously peered inside the playspace, and then intermingled with the volunteers to celebrate their new playground. Everyone was so excited and awestruck by the playground that the party didn't stop after the heart-felt Board-cutting ceremony. The DJ threw on some more tunes as volunteers finished cleaning up and celebrating in style.

Side Projects:
2 planter benches
2 picnic tables (one w/ a checker board top)
3 vine trellises
3 plywood benches w/ large cut tubing as the legs (designed by the kids)
Stepping Stones
Crushed-stone pathway
Garden
Painted iron fence
Installed chain-link fence
Installed mural on surrounding chain-link fence (in 1'x1' panels done by neighborhood kids, previous to this project)
Kid's Workshops
Painted flowers on sheets of masonite (to cut out and mount around the playground later)

Media:
ABC
The Buffalo News (paper)

VIPs:
George Holt, County Legislator
Don Allan, Sr., Commissioner of Community Service
Sister Philip Marie
John Tobia, DM
Brian Spence, SM
Mike King, SM
Tim Burgett, SM

on the road again...

2005-07-13T23:31:00.001-04:00

we're about to hit the peak season at work, and i'll probably only be home for about 5 days this month. check it out:

dc - june 27-july 1
western nc - july 1-5
buffalo, ny (and niagara falls, for the first time!) - july 5-9
home (san francisco) - july 9-11
minneapolis, mn - july 11-15
home (SF) - july 15-18
chicago - july 18-19
home - july 19-23
wasilla, ak - july 23-31
...

crazy, huh? well, it sure keeps me busy, but i'm missing the opportunity to hang out with friends and to spend quality time in SF... :( oh well.

build in Winnipeg

2005-06-25T19:52:00.001-04:00

Hope led another fantastic Build last Thursday with Suzie as her stellar Second and Ron Sweetman as her incredible Installer. The Home Depot Canada, the Elmwood Community Resource Centre, the United Way and the City of Winnipeg joined forces (201 in all) to build a fabulous playspace. After a rough (& very wet) start on prep day 1, they got everything ready over a full (& sunny) prep day 2 – digging all the holes and priming several areas to paint. (Hope’s shoes are now officially retired after tasting “Manitoba Gumbo,” or black clay & mud.) Their beautiful Build Day morning kicked off at 8:30 with a great pep talk by Annette Verschuren, the President of The Home Depot Canada, and with a warm-up led by the City of Winnipeg’s recreational director (accompanied by Homer D. Poe, the City of Winnipeg’s mascot, and the Centre’s mascot). The morning took off so much excitement that by lunchtime most of the side projects were complete and several volunteers were eating watermelon and slurping on slushies. (Winnipeg is apparently the slushie capital of Canada.) The day ended with an on-time Board-cutting at 3:45 and a big Thank You from volunteers’ kids.

All the volunteers were amazing! They moved 150 cubic yards of PEA GRAVEL!, mixed cement (w/ sand & gravel) by hand, did loads of side projects, and never complained once! The project really transformed the space – opening it up, sprucing it up and bringing life back into the place. Hope’s favorite part was seeing all the passers-by, neighbors and kids come out and watch in amazement.

Side Projects:
Painted the Centre’s facia, an outdoor stage, 10 park benches, 6 waste baskets, a hopscotch and 2 4-squares
Completed a 10’ x 100’ mural that read “Neighbours helping neighbours” and was tagged with 50’ of volunteers’ & kids’ hand prints
Built 4 planter benches, 6 picnic table tops (w/ metal frames) and (nearly) 2 BBQ pits
Refurbished their garden and weeded the surrounding area
Moved sand into an old sandbox
Created a small, limestone pathway

VIPs:
Annette Verschuren, President of The Home Depot Canada
Jeff Kinnaird, Regional VP of Operations, The Home Depot Canada
Randy Kelly, DM
Brent Ballantyne, Store Manager
3 other Store Managers
Kelly McNamara, PR Manager, The Home Depot Canada
Ingrid Zacharias, Exec. Director, Elmwood Community Resource Centre
Lillian Thomas, City Councillor
Terry Welling-Skorodenski, President of the City of Winnipeg’s Retirees’ Charitable Fund
Kathi Neal, Director of Marketing and Communications, United Way

Media:
The A Channel
CKY – CTV (one of Canada’s national networks)
The Herald
The Winnipeg Sun
The Free Press

time flies

2005-06-25T18:13:00.001-04:00

man. i can't believe a whole month has gone by. so much's happened (as it always does) and i can't keep up... so here are the highlights.

i've been really busy at work. the summer time is our peak season, but that's beside the point. i just have way too much to do, all the time. long hours. no comp time. too much travel. a little bureaucracy. it's exhausting... but (mostly) all worth the experience of working with communities, building playgrounds, going places i'd never be able to go to otherwise, meeting new people all over, learning a lot, and getting better at everything i do. i'm thankful for it, but it's a struggle.

i'm about to get on the road again... in the past month, i went to Winnipeg, MB, for a playground build (see next post) and to Houston, TX, (for less than 8 hours!) for a design day meeting (to begin a new project for another project manager). in the coming month, get this, i'm going...
-to DC for a week-long project management (PM) retreat,
-to Asheville, NC (home!) for the 4th of july,
-to Buffalo, NY, for my playground build,
-back to SF for 36 hours,
-to Minneapolis, MN, for another PM's playground build & for my design day meeting,
-back home to SF for a week, and
-finally to Wasilla (near Anchorage), AK, for my playground build.

ah. the life of a KaBOOM! PM...

now, you ask, what about life in SF? well, after my mom came to visit, everything's been on the up and up. meeting some new folks, out with friends, beautiful weather, biking through the city, confidence, seein' Digable Planets in concert (reunion tour), home-made sushi, home-made margaritas, spontaneous good times, and unusual encounters (e.g., with a random acquaintance that i met in Alaska). he had a lay-over in Oakland, and we ended up hanging out for about 24 hours... i'm all about meeting new people, but that was the first time i took the risk of trusting a complete stranger and hosting him while getting to know him. crazy, huh?... well, it all worked out, and now i have a new friend in Alaska that's going to hook me up with a fishing trip and a plane ride around Mt. McKinley at the end of july. :)

so before i jet set out of SF for about 3 weeks solid, i'm going down to the mission flea market, to Japantown for some sushi, into Downtown for the (Gay) Pride parade and festivities tomorrow, and to the Elbo Room for Dub night in the Mission tomorrow night... i guess i've got to live it up in the city, when i have the chance to.

on the rise

2005-05-30T16:22:00.001-04:00

at the turning point
out of the valley, manure, emptiness and nothingness
on the rise
seeking the light

familial visits
familar calls
familarizing places
finding my place again

spirts of production and daydreaming
imagining the world around and within me
how everything fits together
or how it may pass to be

connecting
reconnecting
continuing on
in life
from the past and
the not yet to come

--------------------------------------
mom's visit for the weekend
walking around under the sun and against the wind
getting to know my neighbors and hood during carnaval
kiff gallagher (and maktub) at the independent
east bay taco trucks
dessert with rhea, joel, tony, mardie and mom
art opening at the co-op near my place
brunch with rhea, jen, whitney, tony, mardie, mom, tom, mason and robin
the parade and festival of people, colors and music
grace cathedral evening service
martini's with joel and rhea
elbo room for dub and new acquaintances
breakfast at st. francis
the airport
now a coffee shop
on to... who knows where

2005-05-28T03:15:00.001-04:00

Eklutna Lake (on the way up to Wasilla)

lil' northern exposure

2005-05-27T01:03:00.001-04:00

Just got back from a short business trip to Anchorage and Wasilla, Alaska, and... Wow. The mountains there are spectacular, huge and magnificent, and the culture is so rich and awe-some, yet unusual. First, the native influence is striking. Second, the people's survival (and adventures) through their brutal winters is amazing. Third, the isolation, vastness and hidden sprawl of humanity is surprising. And, lastly, their short "American" history/infestation has produced an odd mix of opinions... Just as the U.S. "bought" the Louisiana Purchase from the French, we also "bought" Alaska from Russia (in 1917, I believe). So there's that bitter taste of stolen, yet borrowed, and re-sold land that natives are left to deal with (especially when our current president seeks to rape the land of its natural riches). Meanwhile, signs of urban modernity are submerging -- youthful goth, growing gang activity, corporate expansion, and over-populated tourist populations... I guess there's good and bad in everything. Hey, if it weren't for corporate expansion, I wouldn't have had the chance to go up there and build a playground with their money and (re)invested interest in the community... Either way, it's tricky to balance the diverging interests between the public and the private sectors, especially in an environment like this.

wdydwyd?

2005-05-26T15:59:00.001-04:00

my brother, Tony, wrote:

Finally got around to getting all those portraits we did at Burning Man online. We still have about 20 images to add... Special thanks to Hope for helping scan most of them, to Jeremy for helping me out on some technical glitches on the web site, and to many of you who helped with the fun process of setting up a table and shooting the portraits on the playa. Maybe well do a roaming portrait studio a few times again this year?

And here's my portrait.

bay to breakers

2005-05-15T20:30:00.001-04:00

aida, mardie and me

only in SF

2005-05-15T18:08:00.001-04:00

today 70,000-80,000 people joined the oldest consecutively run footrace in the world, and of course, when in San Francisco, anything goes... mobile Tiki Huts, male genitalia trains, pirate ships and "beeramids" carrying kegs, a port-a-party with a bar, and so many more colorful eclectic traditions represented.

tony, mardie, aida (a brazilian friend visiting from chapel hill) and i went down to the park to people-watch and walk with the mass of drunken participants. we had only one drink but were still amused by the madness around us.

"Today Bay to Breakers is one of the oldest and most beloved civic festivals in the world. Although runners come from across the country and all points of the globe, the race is still quintessential San Francisco and a true reflection of life between the breakers and the Bay."

solid ground

2005-05-11T02:20:00.001-04:00

the last couple weeks have been okay. i helped another project manager build a playground in ogden, utah, and we had a lot of fun gettin to know the area (around salt lake city). then, last week i built in redding, ca, with the help of my superviser, and we had fun with the volunteers and playground installers... our site in redding was super rocky, and we had several technical/construction issues come up. it was really challenging, but i survived... our volunteers were great and, surprisingly, they didn't complain about anything (a bit rare in this job). overall, it was a good build, but i was super hard on myself about things. unfortunately, i sometimes let the littlest things get in the way of my well-being, and then i feel like i have no solid ground beneath me.

over the last couple of days, i've started to feel the earth again, but my heart is still unpleasantly distracting me. here's the thing: i'm officially on my own again, and i'm trying hard to recenter my inner love and embrace my independence. it's especially hard because he was so cool and i felt such a strong connection between us. oh well. i guess timing IS everything.

howwierd

2005-05-02T02:56:00.001-04:00

today was the How Weird Street Fair (a pun on the street named Howard). similar to the the Burning Man Decompression party, there were 4 stages of djs and live music, performances and costumes, but not any playa art. check it. it was only $5 to get in with a costume, so it was fun and it fit my budget.

reflection

2005-04-23T14:51:00.001-04:00

this week was beautiful here in SF, and smoothe sailing on my biking commute to work. right now, i'm sitting at the Atlas Cafe (near my house in the Mission), and the sky is threatening to release it's moisture over the plastic canopy of this patio. yesterday, my boss, co-worker and i went to happy hour for margaritas, and later i met up with a former co-worker for a lil' dancin at Milk (in the Haight). the day before, i met up with two former co-workers at the Zeitgeist for some beers and tamales. (it was my first time there.) wednesday, i went to a much-needed yoga session, which helped me recenter my emotionally-distracted heart. it was a good challenge to have Noah accompany me to the class, because i'm realizing that my relationships can sometimes throw me off track and get my emotions all tied up into knots. i recognize that i need to focus on my own path, amid others' wayward journeys through life. to cope, here are my current mantras:

(1) timing can feel like our worst enemy but really it's our saving grace.
(2) we must honor ourselves and respect others always.
(3) at the end of the day, we are all we've got in life.

this is not to say that i don't love everyone (b/c i do especially if they let me in) but it is a type of defense mechanism for life... i guess that's the cancer in me... or maybe it's the self-reflective, self-protective, honest, over-observant, heart-filled, introverted and independent part of me that needs a good booty-shakin on the dance floor or another surreal, out-of-body experience in a House of God and/or out on the Playa to get me back on board.

baby niece!

2005-04-17T19:24:00.001-04:00

Madilyn Louise... the sweetest, smartest, most social and beautiful baby ever! it was so wonderful to spend the weekend with her and her wonderful parents -- my brother David and my sister-in-law Elizabeth.

blasé... but in NC!

2005-04-13T23:16:00.001-04:00

i'm on the up and up, again, but feeling overworked. two weeks ago, i flew to Winnipeg, Manitoba, for a 4-hour Design Day meeting. last week, i led a playground build with the City of Santa Ana, California. this week, i'm assisting another project manager on her playground project in Charlotte, North Carolina. (yes, i'm in NC again!) next week, i should be home (SF), but after that, i'll be on the road again (to Ogden, UT, Redding, CA, and eventually Sparks, NV)... ah, the life of a KaBOOM! project manager. what's more is that when i am in town, i still bike and take the train everyday to work (SF>Redwood City).

somehow, through all that, i still manage to have a bit of a personal life too.

i spent easter with my brother, his fiance, and their friends, and i also joined them for Food Club (a fancy potluck gathering). (the theme this time was colorful foods, and i made lettuce wraps.)... noah and i saw a very intriguing independent film called "dot the i" (Gael Garcia Bernal), and we went to this art opening/event in SF that had a cabaret, marching band and hip hop DJs... i met up with a very old best friend (from elementary school) when i went down to Santa Ana/Huntington Beach last week... among many other things.

now, i'm in NC for work, but i'm able to visit family and friends while i'm here! i went up to Asheville last weekend, and i'm going up to Boone this weekend. yay! i'm so excited to finally meet my new niece! and to see my brother and sister-in-law, too!... somehow, i've got to finish my taxes before friday, too. yikes.

grrrr

2005-04-01T23:30:00.001-05:00

i'm on the down slope of a natural high.

i haven't done any yoga in a long time. i've let the stress of work consume me. my body, soul and mind are aching from causes (cycles and people) out of my control. the love that rejuvenated me last month is on reserve and fading. and, in some cases, i'm holding myself back from being my full, true, beautiful self.

where is the hope?
still in me somewhere, i guess.

birthday

2005-03-25T01:52:00.001-05:00

last weekend, i built a playground for The Salvation Army of Pahrump, NV, on my 26th birthday. my supervisor (and Second out for the Build) bought me a cake and a lit-up "Birthday Princess" pin that she made me wear all day. the kids there sang me "Happy Birthday" at the end of the day and totally made my day... that night, i flew back home to SF (mostly b/c i didn't want to celebrate in Vegas) and went out with a few friends for a drink. it was a lot of fun, and it was really great to feel the love... Whitney and a friend, Noah and a friend, and Tony (my brother) and Mardie (his finance)... that night, i felt particularly special.

sunday night, i had several people (14) over to my house for a mini-potluck party/gathering. i love bringing people that i love together, and even more so, i love it when people i love meet each other for the first time. (one person thought that people were "weirded out" b/c he was a complete stranger to them... i told him not to worry b/c we're all strangers to each other at some point.)... i just really enjoy bringing good people together. i only wish is that someday i could somehow bring everyone i love together! THAT would be the most incredible party ever!

my Pahrump playground build

2005-03-22T17:47:00.002-05:00

From: Melanie Barnes (my supervisor)
Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:45 PM

This post build report was written by the fabulous Hope Deifell:

Last Saturday, Hope led a great playground build with Melanie as her awesome Second and with Jonathon Mouer and Jason Meler out from Dave Bang for the installation. Prep Day 1 was relatively smooth, and on Prep Day 2 Hope debuted on "The Andy and Bernie Show" (a Pahrump TV talk show) with Charlie Desiderio, the Salvation Army marketing manager, at her side. Build Day was cold and overcast, but the 5-minute Jazzercise morning warm-up got everyone's blood flowing fast.

Her 12 Build Captains were awesome leaders for the 120 other volunteers on site. About thirty of those adult volunteers and an additional 27 volunteers (under 18) helped in areas other than the playground construction, including kids' games and carnival activities (i.e. face painting, Jolly Jumper, red rover and putt putt, among others). The big day ended with a big raffle for the kids, then an on-time ribbon cutting, and finally a birthday cake and celebration for Hope and another volunteer.

Play Enhancement Projects:
200-foot stone pathway with edging
3 planter benches

VIPs:
Major William Raihl, Clark County Coordinator, The Salvation Army
Charles Desiderio, Director of Development and Marketing, The Salvation Army
Thomas Kriese, Manager, The Omidyar Network

(Local) Media:
Channel 30 and 62, KPVT-LP and KHMP-LP
Channel 41, KPVM-TV

Highlights: all the youth on site, the incredible installers, the Christian rock music (not as much a highlight as a big difference from most other builds), and the light up "Birthday Princess" pin and a birthday cake that Melanie got for Hope.

momentum coaching

2005-03-22T01:21:00.001-05:00

two weekends ago i participated in an amazing training called the Momentum Coaching program. this workshop gave me the opportunity to build a foundation of coaching skills that have already greatly impacted the way i interact with my collagues and with my community groups (throughout our playground planning process).

the program successfully taught me a wide range of powerful coaching skills, some of which include:

-focused and intuitive listening;
-powerful, open-ended inquiry to foster reflective learning;
-fueling learning and imagination through curiosity;
-blending "challenge" and "support" to stretch thoughtful risk-taking and innovation;
-illuminating underlying perspectives, assumptions and beliefs; and
-catalyzing shifts toward those that inspire productive action... (the metaphor that i chose to describe the person "i am becoming" was an impressionist painting -- full of color and intricate detail that impresses, inspires and requires a step back to see the big picture.)

not only was this an incredible learning experience, but it was so refreshing to be instantly open and authentic with 20 other complete strangers. in just two days, we laughed, we listened, we learned, we shared our troubles, we coached, and we received coaching.

the bottom line is: it was great to (re)discover a better way to treat everyone, including myself, like the beautiful star they are. literally. there are five points to this coaching model: to assess what's Actual (vs what's assumed), to set Aspirations, to seek Alternatives, to take Action, and to be Accountable for those action steps. they are all very important, concrete steps to take toward believing in, empowering and guiding my own life and the lives of all my community partners. i am so glad to have participated in this training, because now i feel like a new, more compassionate, more attentive and more effective leader.

my build in Modesto

2005-03-17T23:18:00.001-05:00

what my supervisor wrote:

Hope and her Superstar Second, Suzie Lovercheck led an AWESOME build March 10 in Modesto, CA. KaBOOM! partnered with The Home Depot and Summit Academy to build a playground. The weather was beautiful and despite two man auger issues on site prep day 1 the build day was a huge success. The volunteers were led by awesome, responsible and responsive Build Captains: 5 from THD, 8 parents/family. The community partner was incredible, organized, helpful, very appreciative of THD, understood the partnership and empowering of the students. The volunteers were great and not only built the playground, completed side projects, but moved 270 CY of engineered wood fiber. The BOOMbox had a great point person assigned to it and was very effective and organized. The Modesto Home Depot donated items to enhance the raffle (microwave, toaster oven, electric grill/hotplate, blender, coffee maker, skil saw, drill, and a gas-powered outdoor grill)

Side Projects:
2 planter benches
2 picnic tables
75+ beautiful ceramic tiles (from fundraiser) mounted,
6’ x 40’ kids mural
16 stepping stones
250 THD Kids’ workshop kits

Media:
No media was present on build day (Aspire CEO, Don Shalvey is writing a letter to the editor)

VIPs:
Don Shalvey (CEO Aspire Schools)
Dave Waters (THD District Manager)
Sherry Caraway (Community Affairs Supervisor, HD Western Division)
Tom Hal (Modesto Store Manager)
Leslie Longeria (Modesto HRM)
3 other Store Managers

Highlights: students participation throughout Build Day – entire student body (350+) present at Kick-off and at Board-cutting, Middle School Dance group led morning stretch, School Choir sang “Rainbow Connection” at closing ceremony, a few students did documentary project throughout the day, K-5 worked on mural and/or Kids’ Workshops (in class shifts), 6-7 made stepping stones around the flag pole (one for each teacher’s name)

2005-03-11T14:17:00.001-05:00

the Board-cutting ceremony yesterday

My 5th Build

2005-03-10T23:18:00.001-05:00

picture this: 300+ elementary and middle school students line up by class for their morning announcements, and 120 volunteers from the community and The Home Depot surround them for our opening ceremony. the energy was incredible... the middle school dance group led us all in a morning stretch/warm-up. then, throughout the day, all the students participated in "play enhancement projects" (or side projects), like a beautiful mural, a stepping stones project, kids' workshop projects from The Home Depot (i.e. bird houses, etc.), and a photodocumentary project of the day's events... our (adult) volunteers helped with the kids, mounted tiles from a fundraiser, did landscaping, built 2 picnic tables and 2 planter benches, moved 290 cubic yards of engineered wood fiber into a 100 x 50 area, and built an INCREDIBLE playground in just 6 hours!!... at the end of the day, all those same 300+ students came out for our closing Board-cutting ceremony, and they were just bursting with excitement. it was so powerful to have them come out at the end, especially for volunteers to see what and who they'd been working so hard for all day... lastly, the school's choir sang "Rainbow Connection," and the school's principal cut the board amid Silly String, noise makers, kazoos, streamers, clapping, and The Home Depot cheer.

it was such an awesome build that it will be next to impossible to match/beat. i loved the school, the planning committee chairs, my Build Captains (volunteer team leaders), my installer, my Second, and most everyone else. everything ran very smoothly, and if it didn't, my volunteers made up for it... not to mention it was such a beautiful day with perfect weather... it sure will be tough not to compare all other builds to this one.

well, i am beyond tired right now, and i must go to bed... good night.