Thursday, March 18, 2010

consider hope

a birthday wish & letter to my friends:
Warmest greetings to you!

My birthday is tomorrow (Friday), and I'd love to celebrate with you somehow -- in person and/or in spirit!

Whether or not you can join me, please consider something with me:

What is the meaning of "hope" in your life? What brings you true hope? What is the reason for your hope?

As a form of celebrating with me (near or far), please just spend time thinking about this in depth.

Then, if you feel inspired, see if you can come up with something you can share with me that represents it, like an object, a picture, a poem, a thought, a dream, a song, a symbol, a story, an action, etc. I would love to hear your take on it and also to begin collecting these sorts of stories & such from folks. Now, if you can't think of something specific, don't worry, just keep thinking about it. (Believe me, I've thought about it for nearly 31 years, especially the past 2.5, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.)

Something will come to you eventually... and if not, ask someone who you consider to be "hope"-filled for the reason for their hope. That way, the essence of this birthday gift will continue to grow!

Meanwhile, please know that I love & miss you dearly.

Gratefully,
Hope Deifell

Monday, March 01, 2010

testimony

I never feel like I can put my story in writing, because it's still being written. However, I've been asked to share it with folks, so here it goes:

My sister, Heather, and I dreamed of taking a trip around the world for over 10 years. (It took us 7 years of talking about it before we started saving money & setting a date to take off... 3 years later: July 2007.) About one year before our journey began, Heather felt compelled by the Spirit to consider this God's trip, not hers, but I rejected the idea. I didn't want to have anything to do with doing "missions" on this trip. I just wanted to see the world, meet interesting people, immerse myself into other cultures, expand my mind, experience life elsewhere, and travel the circumference of the earth... but not through missions. In fact, I was adamantly against it, mainly because I had an archaic, oppressive, crusader-type conception of missionaries. (Little did I know.)

Anyway, I decided that we would start off together but that I would take off on my own while she visited ministries & "did missions". Well, it turns out that traveling separately in Africa (our first stop) was not only dangerous at times, it was also logistically impossible to expect to get back together in a timely manner. Plus, I didn't have any particular direction to follow, and Heather did. So I decided to give up the fight (within myself) and stick with her.*

In the process (because it really has been a process), I realized how stubborn and prideful I had become within myself and also how judgmental and hypocritical I was towards missionaries & Christians, in particular. In fact, I used to boast about how open-minded, accepting & understanding I was toward everyone, but then it hit me -- I wasn't! I swallowed my pride, reserved my judgment, and decided to listen to them... really listen to their stories, their perspective and their journeys of faith.

Around the same time, I really wanted to talk with an old friend, someone I thought would be glad to hear from me, so I decided to call my ex-boyfriend one evening (plus, I was jealous that heather got to talk with her boyfriend all the time). Note: by this time, we were a month & a half into our year-long journey around the world, and I really just wanted that loving & caring connection with a friend, too. That night, though, he was not at all the loving, caring, supportive and excited-to-hear-from-me friend that I thought he'd be or that I needed him to be, so I made the very painful decision to cut those last few remaining heart strings between us and let him go. The result: a whiplash of emotion, a pendulum from hope to hopelessness, a deep depression, a void of love, an emptiness that I thought nothing could fill, and a brokenness below the depth that my heart is capable of feeling (which is very deep).

The very next morning, we went to church with our South African hosts, and there were three significant things that occurred. First, the entire service was in Afrikaans, so one of our hosts had to interpret the whole service for us. Already, I needed to learn to trust and depend on the messenger as well as the message -- translated. Second, the lead pastor humbled himself in such a powerful way by admitting that he was really struggling with his faith and that he needed prayer. The congregation surrounded him and prayed over him, right then and there. This is not something I'd ever witnessed from a leader of faith (to admit his struggles of faith in front of his own congregation). To me, it was a huge testament of genuine humility that proved his humanity, his imperfection, his need for prayer, his desperation for a supportive community, and his loneliness. My pride was on its way out.

Third (and most importantly), the pastor's sermon outlined the PERFECT love of Christ -- in all He said and did -- and how that perfect love can complete us, fill us, mend us & make us whole. I thought, "That's it! That's what I need in my life!" Even though I'd heard about God's love my whole life (growing up in the church, in a Christian home and as a pastor's kid), it never quite hit me the same way until that moment and in those circumstances. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. It was then I realized that no other human being could complete me like that -- only the divine, supernatural & perfect love of God's perfect Son can.

All of this didn't come to me right away, though. Remember, I was still wrestling with some pride, and I was way too stubborn to accept Him all at once. It was an intense process that took months to take root. However, that same Sunday afternoon, I retreated into my room, crawled under the covers (still in a depression from the night before), and cried my eyes out for several hours. In the midst of that brokenness and pain, I cried out, "Okay, God, if you're real, I really need you to prove Yourself to me, and in the meantime, I'll try out this relationship with Your Son."

That night, our host (the same one who translated the service for Heather & me that morning) offered to do some theophostics with me -- an intense inner healing prayer technique that traces a particular & prominent lie back through your memories to find the root and to pray for healing & forgiveness in that area of your life. I took her up on it, because I was still feeling pretty desperate for healing & restoration. However, what blew me away more than the actual healing that took place during that prayer session was her command and use of the name of Jesus, against the powers of darkness that threatened to cloud my vision, to cripple my body, mind & spirit, and to discourage me from healing. I thought, "Can you really do that? Does Jesus' name really have that authority?" Wow. I'd never known that the name of Jesus could have such a powerful affect on my life. It was amazing.

From that weekend on, I really started talking, walking & growing with Jesus, as if He were always really there listening to me, just waiting for me to make the first move, ready to meet me where I am, loving & caring to connect with me, and always glad to be with me.

As for my bold plea for "proof" from God, over that next month, there were too many "coincidences" for me to ignore, too many people who would speak directly into exactly what I was processing at the time, and too many times that the puzzle pieces seemed to fit together so perfectly -- I was overwhelmed with evidence, made tangible to me. For the remainder of our journey, despite all our ups & downs, my faith in Him grew as His foundation under me grew.

Now, there is a whole lot more to say about what happened and what's still happening in my journey of faith, but when someone asks for my story, I point back to our trip around the world and to this particular weekend as my initial transformation by the Spirit, my birth from above, and the beginning of my testimony of faith & my conscious walk with God.

*Special thanks to Heather for constantly "being there" for me and for respecting my relentless "processing". She is the very best friend anyone could ever ask for.